Why did I ever think I could maintain a relationship with someone who doesn't treat me the same way I treat him?

Why did I ever think I could love someone who can't put another person above himself?

Why did I ever think I could stay with someone that I deep down can't trust?

I'm tired of being available to people who don't give a shit. I'm tired of being controlled by someone who blatantly takes advantage of my weak-hearted nature. I'm tired of receiving mixed messages that one minute say "I love you" then the next minute say "Oh, just kidding!"

I've done my best to be here whenever it was convenient for you, to listen to you when you needed an ear, to throw around when you needed a punching bag. I never did get the same treatment. It was always whenever it was convenient for you. But you know what, I know now that it's okay. At least I can put other people above myself and show them that I care about their feelings. Too fucking bad for me that I can't find anyone out there who shows the same piece of dignity.

Fortunately for me, I only take two weeks of mourning a split before I get over it. Tomorrow will be two weeks exactly, and I'll be able to finally move on and get over everything. Then I won't have to be around to be your punching bag. Then I won't have to be around to get my feelings hurt on a regular basis by you, because it officially won't matter what I think or feel. I'm tired of crying over you and your blatant disrespect of my feelings and emotions.

In the end, I realize now that you completely abandoned me when I needed you the most. You deserted me without so much as thinking twice about it, and I know now that I don't need that in my life. I need someone who will stand loyally at my side no matter what happens to me, not some kind of coward who ducks and runs at the first sign that I'm not "normal." Fuck cowardice, I'm cowardly enough without having to try to be brave for another person. Besides, I thought it was the man's job to be the brave one, anyway? Whoops, guess I was wrong there.

It doesn't matter now. I realize I don't want someone that treats me like crap around me to treat me like that. I realize now that I'm tired of crying for some immature and selfish brat who won't take the time to think about what his actions can do to other people. I'm on a whole new regimen thanks to you, and you show no signs of caring about it.

I take expensive medications that my family can't afford for me now because of you.

I have an entirely new daily routine now because of you.

My other friends don't like what I've become now because of you.

My feelings and emotions are regulated now because of you.

Can you see what the connecting factor in all of these situations is? Or do you not care to try? Or do you not want to try?

I guess since I have an entirely new lifestyle, I should just go all the way with it. Maybe join a gym and lose the excess weight that I kept around for you, so that maybe I can be appealing to someone else -- I'm not waiting on you to change your mind anymore, I'm done with showing you more patience that I'm normally willing to give. Maybe I'll grow out my hair and put in more layers. Maybe change my wardrobe from the loner gamer girl to something a little more in-style and fashionable.

What? I'd lose everything that I am?

...I've already lost all that. What's left to lose?

Do us both a favor and just stay out of my life. If you can't care about me, I don't need or want you around. If all you want to do is hurt people, go find someone else. If all you want to do is lie to someone's face about everything, go find someone who's willing to listen to the lies, because I'm not.

I'm done being the one you control. The days for that are officially over.