My Life.

Apparently my life could not remain as it had been. In the course of one night, everything changed.

I'm being threatened to be put away in a mental hospital if I have one more "outburst."

My medications are being tweaked about.

I'm required to be sedated at night.

I'm supposed to be "monitored" at all times, in fear I might do something to myself.

And to top it all off, I was completely deserted. And now I'm finding that I have to deal with all of these changes on my own.

Apparently my life was all wrong. Perhaps it still is. I don't know anymore. Random strangers approach me now and ask, "Are you sure you're okay?" My dad notices that I'm more reserved and quiet. I go to school and stare at the floor, often spacing out in the middle of lectures and finding myself unable to reconnect. I no longer dream at night... Either the sedatives have killed my dream self, or she killed herslf. Sleep is now like staring into a void all night.

The sedatives have killed my short term memory. I have a hard time remembering what I did the evening before when I wake up in the mornings. I've found myself asking questions that I already asked before (and gotten answers to), because I can't recall ever asking in the first place.

Pretty soon I'm going to start seeing a psychiatrist to try and figure out the root of what has caused me to mentally collapse. To attempt to put together the millions of pieces I apparently have shattered into. To attempt to bring me out of the hole that I apparently have tried to bury myself in.

Do I feel like I'm a normal human being anymore? No. There are only three people in the world that make me feel "normal" anymore. That make me feel like I'm not a complete disaster and waste of a human lifeform. That haven't deserted me; that haven't abandoned me; that treat me as if I haven't changed a bit. I fear that one day they, too, will leave my side, and I will truly be alone.

But I'm learning that being alone isn't as lonely as I thought. I can stare out into space for however long I choose, and not have to worry about forgetting to offer up a response to someone. I can cry as hard and as long as I want without ever having to worry about making someone else uncomfortable. I don't have to offer any more excuses for why I am the way I am, because nobody cares anymore. I could vanish off the planet tomorrow and it wouldn't affect a damn thing. The cord that kept me tethered to sanity has been cut, and I'm free to float around in whatever space I choose.

Yet my life is not mine to control. It's now controlled by doctors, specialists, and medications. My moods are regulated and stabilized. My sleep is controlled. My emotions are kept in check. Gotta stay in line, now. Gotta stay in line.

Can't afford to stray. Can't afford to be locked away.

But at the same time, I have nothing to lose... I've lost it all already.

Dani... no longer exists.

My name is Heather.

And this is my new life.