Eighth.

The title means nothing, by the way. It simply represents the date. I lack originality.

So I went to the doctor today. He's pleased with how I've "far" I've come in a week. With only one mild episode and fewer hallucinations, he's convinced that we're on the right track towards getting me "fixed." To making me a normal, working, functioning human being.

But at what cost? My friends have told me they don't like the changes I've made. They don't like the new, calmer me. They don't like that my life is now on a schedule of 6 AM to 8 PM (earlier or later depending on my medication time). They don't like that I'm able to think more clearly, or react more rationally to things that come my way.

I'm confused -- it seems that in order for me to be likable, I have to be a manic, suicidal mess. I have to have trouble sleeping and chronic insomnia in which I don't sleep for up to seven days at a time. I have to be hyperactive all the time without any time to try and rationalize anything. I'm not allowed to be calm? I'm not allowed to be level? I have to be a mess or I'm not worth it anymore?

I guess I'm going to be living a very lonely life soon. I'm not willing to go back to being manic and to being a psychotic, suicidal wreck. Regardless of anything I might've said in my state of disarray, I do care about my friends and family and don't want to hurt them intentionally. Ever. I love my family and my friends (even though, as of late, they show no real interest in me), and would do anything I could for them. ...I thought that by turning my life around for what was supposed to be the better would actually improve things, but it has done nothing but ruin it all.

Only one friend treats me the way he's always done. Only one. And I hope he realizes how much I appreciate it, because I really do. When I'm talking to him, he never makes me feel awkward, sad, or upset with who I am. No matter what happens to me, he treats me with the same behavior he has since the day we met. He doesn't walk on eggshells around me and he doesn't make me feel like I'm volatile or "broken." He makes me feel... human. And I thank him, so very, very much for what he does.

Thank you, Joseph. Thank you so much. I honestly don't know where I'd be without you.

On another note, the person that I wanted to try and maintain a relationship with has all but thrown me out of the picture. I don't think he wants to talk to me anymore, nor does he care about the various goings-on in my life. That really stings a lot when I think about it, because he was the catalyst that helped me realize my life was out of order. The person who basically saved my life seems to have turned his back on me.

I don't think he wants me around anymore. Maybe I cause him some kind of pain... and if I do, perhaps he's right that I should go away forever. I don't want to hurt the person who rescued me. I don't want to hurt the person that my heart belonged (and, to a fair extent, still belongs) to. I never meant to hurt him, and I never meant to cause him so much distress. If this means that I need to go away, pack my things and never look back... Well... I guess I need to get started doing that.

You've changed on me, and I severely miss the person you used to be. The funny, caring, gentle person you used to be has upped and disappeared, and I've been left with this distant, angry, bitter replacement who often leaves me in tears. Tears of confusion and sorrow; tears of pain and agony. Tears of doubt.

I'm sorry for any pain I ever caused you, because I never meant, for one second, to ever hurt you. I feel as if this is all my fault, and I don't know what to do to remedy it except to pack my things and leave you to your life... which seems to have gotten busier since my departure. Maybe you're finally living the life you always wanted, and my hanging on is the one negative iota that keeps you from acheiving happiness.

And I'm sorry. From the bottom of my heart, I'm extremely sorry.

I miss you. The person you used to be. The person we used to be. The life we used to live. I miss it. But I see that I will never have it again. And now the problem has shifted from me trying to bring it back, to me forcing myself to accept it and move on on my own. Because it seems like you've moved on, and I've been left behind again.

I'll miss you. But I guess I'll always have our memories to hold onto, because I can no longer hold onto you. Please find yourself again, and soon. If not for me, then for yourself. I'll miss you so much. That's all I know what to say.

You've changed.

I miss you.

But I know I have to let you go.

For your own benefit.

Goodbye...

Goodbye forever.

I'll never stop caring, and you'll know where to find me when the time comes.