An Open Letter.

To whom this may or may not concerns,

Allow me to start by apologizing for how all of this turned out. I know this isn't at all how you planned it, but life throws you curveballs sometimes, y'know?

I couldn't take it anymore. Your constant disappearances for hours (or days) at a time with no warning. Your continuous accusations that I was the one who was forgetting, when I know good and well I was not. Having to constantly turn to other people for comfort and solace because, guess what, you weren't there. I have more of a "relationship" with my best friend than I have with you, and you know why? Because he's here. You rarely are, and when you are, you're usually preoccupied with twenty other things.

I realize you have a life outside of me, and that is why I'm letting you go. Your life is far too hectic to have to put up with someone as dependent and clingy as I, and it's not fair to you to force you to be here if you can't (or can't be bothered to) be here. I want you to live your life to its fullest, and I'm just a two-ton weight attached to your ankle that keeps you from thriving. So I'm cutting you loose, setting you free, and giving you your freedom. Sky's the limit now, no?

I don't know what else to do and for my shortcomings, I apologize. I've tried everything I know to do to keep myself from getting this far, but in the end I failed. I'm lonely without you and miserable because I'm lonely... while you? Hell, you survive and thrive regardless of what I do. You don't need me and I don't know why you convince yourself otherwise. I'm not going to be the weight that holds you down or the person who holds you back from being everything you can be.

In the end, I don't think I will ever be able to accept you having such a thriving life outside of me. I need someone who thrives with me, not without. I need someone who wants to spend more time with me than you do. I need someone whose interests parallel mine so we have a point of connection. I need someone who actually will give me undivided attention. I need someone who will tell me when they're leaving, every time. I'm sorry, but I don't need this. Neither do you.

I hope that life treats you well and I hope that you succeed in anything and everything you do. Take good care of yourself and may you be prosperous.

Love always,
Dani.

You know what I hate?

1. People who can't expend the little bit of energy it takes to be courteous.
2. People you can't count on to be there.
3. People who disappear for hours at a time for no reason.
4. People who come back from said disappearances and act as if nothing wrong ever happened.
5. Myself for letting myself be suckered in by them.

I love my boys. I don't know where I'd be without them.

Joseph is my number one person. He annoys the living hell out of me on a regular basis. He calls me on Skype almost every day, even if it's just to go to sleep. We don't even have to be talking to each other. I can be playing one game while he's playing another, and no words have to be spoken. The sheer thought that he is there and wanting to spend time with me is all that I need. We watch videos together, we watch YouTube together, we watch each other play video games. He wants to spend time with me, and it's obvious. While he annoys the hell out of me sometimes, I know that he cares about me.

Niko is my number two person. He checks on me to make sure I'm feeling okay, and he's willing to listen to me rant and rave about things going on that upset me. He sends me random LOLcat pictures that cheer me up and sends me YouTube links that amuse me. He even occasionally gets on Skype and talks to me until he falls asleep. He genuinely cares about me and makes sure I know it, and it makes me feel like there's some kind of good in the world.

If I didn't have my boys, I don't know where I'd be in the world.

I love you guys!

Why did I ever think I could maintain a relationship with someone who doesn't treat me the same way I treat him?

Why did I ever think I could love someone who can't put another person above himself?

Why did I ever think I could stay with someone that I deep down can't trust?

I'm tired of being available to people who don't give a shit. I'm tired of being controlled by someone who blatantly takes advantage of my weak-hearted nature. I'm tired of receiving mixed messages that one minute say "I love you" then the next minute say "Oh, just kidding!"

I've done my best to be here whenever it was convenient for you, to listen to you when you needed an ear, to throw around when you needed a punching bag. I never did get the same treatment. It was always whenever it was convenient for you. But you know what, I know now that it's okay. At least I can put other people above myself and show them that I care about their feelings. Too fucking bad for me that I can't find anyone out there who shows the same piece of dignity.

Fortunately for me, I only take two weeks of mourning a split before I get over it. Tomorrow will be two weeks exactly, and I'll be able to finally move on and get over everything. Then I won't have to be around to be your punching bag. Then I won't have to be around to get my feelings hurt on a regular basis by you, because it officially won't matter what I think or feel. I'm tired of crying over you and your blatant disrespect of my feelings and emotions.

In the end, I realize now that you completely abandoned me when I needed you the most. You deserted me without so much as thinking twice about it, and I know now that I don't need that in my life. I need someone who will stand loyally at my side no matter what happens to me, not some kind of coward who ducks and runs at the first sign that I'm not "normal." Fuck cowardice, I'm cowardly enough without having to try to be brave for another person. Besides, I thought it was the man's job to be the brave one, anyway? Whoops, guess I was wrong there.

It doesn't matter now. I realize I don't want someone that treats me like crap around me to treat me like that. I realize now that I'm tired of crying for some immature and selfish brat who won't take the time to think about what his actions can do to other people. I'm on a whole new regimen thanks to you, and you show no signs of caring about it.

I take expensive medications that my family can't afford for me now because of you.

I have an entirely new daily routine now because of you.

My other friends don't like what I've become now because of you.

My feelings and emotions are regulated now because of you.

Can you see what the connecting factor in all of these situations is? Or do you not care to try? Or do you not want to try?

I guess since I have an entirely new lifestyle, I should just go all the way with it. Maybe join a gym and lose the excess weight that I kept around for you, so that maybe I can be appealing to someone else -- I'm not waiting on you to change your mind anymore, I'm done with showing you more patience that I'm normally willing to give. Maybe I'll grow out my hair and put in more layers. Maybe change my wardrobe from the loner gamer girl to something a little more in-style and fashionable.

What? I'd lose everything that I am?

...I've already lost all that. What's left to lose?

Do us both a favor and just stay out of my life. If you can't care about me, I don't need or want you around. If all you want to do is hurt people, go find someone else. If all you want to do is lie to someone's face about everything, go find someone who's willing to listen to the lies, because I'm not.

I'm done being the one you control. The days for that are officially over.

Nothing.

In the end, I'm left with nothing.

I wish my heart would stop, because all it ever does is hurt me. If I could rip it out and abandon it, I'd do it without hesitation. I wish I could have a robotic heart so that maybe I wouldn't have to feel emotion. Then I could live without having to deal with constantly caring that I wake up unwanted every day. Then I wouldn't have to spend every day taking expensive medications that nobody can afford for me because I wouldn't have any emotions with which to have problems with.

I've never felt so low in my whole life. Finding out that I've once again been toyed with and taken advantage of, and all for nothing. Finding out that the feelings of hope I had earlier in the day were for absolutely nothing. Finding out that the little bit of happiness I was feeling earlier on wound up being snatched away from me.

I wish I had more to say right now, but I simply feel like death.

Eighth.

The title means nothing, by the way. It simply represents the date. I lack originality.

So I went to the doctor today. He's pleased with how I've "far" I've come in a week. With only one mild episode and fewer hallucinations, he's convinced that we're on the right track towards getting me "fixed." To making me a normal, working, functioning human being.

But at what cost? My friends have told me they don't like the changes I've made. They don't like the new, calmer me. They don't like that my life is now on a schedule of 6 AM to 8 PM (earlier or later depending on my medication time). They don't like that I'm able to think more clearly, or react more rationally to things that come my way.

I'm confused -- it seems that in order for me to be likable, I have to be a manic, suicidal mess. I have to have trouble sleeping and chronic insomnia in which I don't sleep for up to seven days at a time. I have to be hyperactive all the time without any time to try and rationalize anything. I'm not allowed to be calm? I'm not allowed to be level? I have to be a mess or I'm not worth it anymore?

I guess I'm going to be living a very lonely life soon. I'm not willing to go back to being manic and to being a psychotic, suicidal wreck. Regardless of anything I might've said in my state of disarray, I do care about my friends and family and don't want to hurt them intentionally. Ever. I love my family and my friends (even though, as of late, they show no real interest in me), and would do anything I could for them. ...I thought that by turning my life around for what was supposed to be the better would actually improve things, but it has done nothing but ruin it all.

Only one friend treats me the way he's always done. Only one. And I hope he realizes how much I appreciate it, because I really do. When I'm talking to him, he never makes me feel awkward, sad, or upset with who I am. No matter what happens to me, he treats me with the same behavior he has since the day we met. He doesn't walk on eggshells around me and he doesn't make me feel like I'm volatile or "broken." He makes me feel... human. And I thank him, so very, very much for what he does.

Thank you, Joseph. Thank you so much. I honestly don't know where I'd be without you.

On another note, the person that I wanted to try and maintain a relationship with has all but thrown me out of the picture. I don't think he wants to talk to me anymore, nor does he care about the various goings-on in my life. That really stings a lot when I think about it, because he was the catalyst that helped me realize my life was out of order. The person who basically saved my life seems to have turned his back on me.

I don't think he wants me around anymore. Maybe I cause him some kind of pain... and if I do, perhaps he's right that I should go away forever. I don't want to hurt the person who rescued me. I don't want to hurt the person that my heart belonged (and, to a fair extent, still belongs) to. I never meant to hurt him, and I never meant to cause him so much distress. If this means that I need to go away, pack my things and never look back... Well... I guess I need to get started doing that.

You've changed on me, and I severely miss the person you used to be. The funny, caring, gentle person you used to be has upped and disappeared, and I've been left with this distant, angry, bitter replacement who often leaves me in tears. Tears of confusion and sorrow; tears of pain and agony. Tears of doubt.

I'm sorry for any pain I ever caused you, because I never meant, for one second, to ever hurt you. I feel as if this is all my fault, and I don't know what to do to remedy it except to pack my things and leave you to your life... which seems to have gotten busier since my departure. Maybe you're finally living the life you always wanted, and my hanging on is the one negative iota that keeps you from acheiving happiness.

And I'm sorry. From the bottom of my heart, I'm extremely sorry.

I miss you. The person you used to be. The person we used to be. The life we used to live. I miss it. But I see that I will never have it again. And now the problem has shifted from me trying to bring it back, to me forcing myself to accept it and move on on my own. Because it seems like you've moved on, and I've been left behind again.

I'll miss you. But I guess I'll always have our memories to hold onto, because I can no longer hold onto you. Please find yourself again, and soon. If not for me, then for yourself. I'll miss you so much. That's all I know what to say.

You've changed.

I miss you.

But I know I have to let you go.

For your own benefit.

Goodbye...

Goodbye forever.

I'll never stop caring, and you'll know where to find me when the time comes.

Tirade.

This song by Staind sums everything up for me, I guess.

I'm having to resort to talking to myself, again, because nobody can be bothered with me. That's alright, I guess.

I'm slowly getting sick of the people I call "friends." I do my best to be there for them, yet they can't do me the same service. Apparently it's too much effort or something else that I don't or can't see. I guess it's okay. I guess it's become okay to completely trample over people you call "friend" and I guess it's become okay to not give a damn about anyone but yourself. That's cool, I guess. I oughta take a lesson from my "friends" and do the same thing to them that they do to me.

I just needed someone to talk to. You were just too busy with yourself.

Here's something I want everyone to know: From now on, when you ask me what's wrong with me and I reply with "Nothing," you fucking deserve it. Okay? It took a lot for me to learn to trust people with my personal life, and lately no one has treated it well enough to deserve a proper response from me. Only people who deserve a response will receive one, and everyone else will get the blanket "Nothing," or "I'm fine." And you know what I have to say to all of you who are going to get pissy about it? Fucking deal with it.

You were never there for me to express how I felt. I just stuffed it down.

I'm tired of the way I've been treated ever since my last "episode." Or whatever the hell you want to call it. Everyone's been treating me differently, and it fucking sucks. Hard. I don't feel like myself anymore, thanks to everyone's newfound behavior towards me. If you aren't going to treat me like a normal human being, just fuck off, okay? Seriously. Just fuck off if you can't be bothered to treat me the way I deserve to be treated. And go die in a fire while you're at it.

Sometimes I wish karma would bite some people in the ass, and as hard as it possibly could. Some people really fucking deserve to have carelessness, thoughtlessness, selfishness, and rudeness shoved in their face, and I'm not the kind to willingly dish it out. Although I oughta learn how.

I'm tired of getting hurt over and over again, by the same people every time. I'm stupid for continuing to fall for their games, and they suck for taking advantage of a weak-hearted person.

In the end, we all lose.

I guess you wanted me to hate you.

Slowly but surely, that is becoming reality.

I guess you want me to hate you.

My New Life is Lonely.

I don't have my support beam anymore. But that's my own fault, and I guess I need to accept that it isn't coming back.

My new life is lonely. Even when I'm out with my family, I feel alone. I send messages that don't get responses to... that should teach me that things aren't going back to what I once knew. Life as I knew it is over. I need to turn away and look to something else as a support beam.

How could you do this to me, I wonder. How could you be the catalyst for everything, and then just go away and wash your hands of the whole matter? It's like you don't care to follow my progress anymore. Hell, maybe you don't. Maybe I'm holding onto a dead subject. Perhaps it's time I let it go. I'm sorry I continue to send stupid messages and continue clinging on as if any sort of contact could continue to remain. I know now that it's time to make a clean cut. I know now that I should go ahead and delete it all instead of clinging onto it as if it will magically reappear and be okay again. The fact of the matter is, it won't. I see that now. I'm sorry that I held on, that I'm still holding on, and I'll never bother you again.

I'll finally go ahead tonight and delete it all. I'll finally let go of that last bit of hope and let you have your life back completely and totally. You no longer have to worry about Heather and all her misfortunes. You no longer have to worry about your phone going off and it being another idiotic message from me. You no longer have to deal with logging onto MSN or Skype or Yahoo or whatever stupid messenger exists out there with my name upon it. You no longer have to worry about anything from me. I understand everything now, and I'm sorry that I didn't see the signs sooner.

Know that you will be missed.

My new life is lonely.

I'm lonely.

I need attention.

But no one cares to give it to me.

My Life.

Apparently my life could not remain as it had been. In the course of one night, everything changed.

I'm being threatened to be put away in a mental hospital if I have one more "outburst."

My medications are being tweaked about.

I'm required to be sedated at night.

I'm supposed to be "monitored" at all times, in fear I might do something to myself.

And to top it all off, I was completely deserted. And now I'm finding that I have to deal with all of these changes on my own.

Apparently my life was all wrong. Perhaps it still is. I don't know anymore. Random strangers approach me now and ask, "Are you sure you're okay?" My dad notices that I'm more reserved and quiet. I go to school and stare at the floor, often spacing out in the middle of lectures and finding myself unable to reconnect. I no longer dream at night... Either the sedatives have killed my dream self, or she killed herslf. Sleep is now like staring into a void all night.

The sedatives have killed my short term memory. I have a hard time remembering what I did the evening before when I wake up in the mornings. I've found myself asking questions that I already asked before (and gotten answers to), because I can't recall ever asking in the first place.

Pretty soon I'm going to start seeing a psychiatrist to try and figure out the root of what has caused me to mentally collapse. To attempt to put together the millions of pieces I apparently have shattered into. To attempt to bring me out of the hole that I apparently have tried to bury myself in.

Do I feel like I'm a normal human being anymore? No. There are only three people in the world that make me feel "normal" anymore. That make me feel like I'm not a complete disaster and waste of a human lifeform. That haven't deserted me; that haven't abandoned me; that treat me as if I haven't changed a bit. I fear that one day they, too, will leave my side, and I will truly be alone.

But I'm learning that being alone isn't as lonely as I thought. I can stare out into space for however long I choose, and not have to worry about forgetting to offer up a response to someone. I can cry as hard and as long as I want without ever having to worry about making someone else uncomfortable. I don't have to offer any more excuses for why I am the way I am, because nobody cares anymore. I could vanish off the planet tomorrow and it wouldn't affect a damn thing. The cord that kept me tethered to sanity has been cut, and I'm free to float around in whatever space I choose.

Yet my life is not mine to control. It's now controlled by doctors, specialists, and medications. My moods are regulated and stabilized. My sleep is controlled. My emotions are kept in check. Gotta stay in line, now. Gotta stay in line.

Can't afford to stray. Can't afford to be locked away.

But at the same time, I have nothing to lose... I've lost it all already.

Dani... no longer exists.

My name is Heather.

And this is my new life.