Confession.

Makes you feel like crap when you have to tell someone to go away because you're afraid of saying something you'll regret. Makes you feel really bad that you can't be the helpful, useful person you're supposed to be; that you let your selfishness overrun your judgement and you want everything to be about you. Makes you feel like the world's biggest heel when you realize you're the reason you're having problems with two of the most important people in your life.

I can't blame anyone but myself for the problems I'm having with these people. I know it's all my fault things have gotten how they have. My inability to properly communicate has cost me one relationship and seems to be working on costing me another. I've lost one of my biggest supporters and made her feel like she's not worth a single thng to me. Then I go and attack my other big column of support and try to tear him down because, God forbid, I needed him and he had a life of his own to live. I'm the most selfish person in the world and I don't deserve having people in my corner.

I learned why you're not supposed to drink while on the medications I take... they make it hard to breathe. Yet I've done it anyway, because I feel like I deserve to suffer somehow. Today when I got home from school I went to do the dishes and slashed my finger open on a knife. I let myself bleed for a while because I deserved the pain. I've spent the better part of the afternoon staring at the wall because nobody wanted to talk to me when I needed them. The hurt turned to anger, and the anger turned to selfish rage. And now I'm sitting alone in the dark, chugging down another drink because I've earned myself another punishment. I deserve it. I deserve all of it.

I'm not wanted on Monday. I don't think I was really wanted today. Can I blame either of them for not wanting me around? No. I don't want me around, either.

Lately my "psychic" abilities have been at their peak, and all the dreams I have at night are coming true the next day. The day before yesterday, I dreamt that I had permanently ruined my relationship with my mother... yesterday afternoon I got the email that confirmed my fear. Last night I dreamt that I pushed my boyfriend away with continuous control issues and manipulation. Today I shoved him away as hard as I could because he didn't do as I wanted him to. It makes me wonder what I'll dream about tonight. Hopefully it'll be how I get crushed underneath a truck or something, because I've fucked up everything in my life lately and I don't deserve more chances.

I apologize to everyone that I've ruined my relationships with. None of the fault lies in them at all... it's all me. It always has been me, and it always will be in the future. People are better off without me and I'm not going to deny that anymore. I'm not going to make up excuses for myself to make myself feel better because I don't deserve it... nor should I lie to myself anymore.

I'm going to go back to staring at the wall. Hopefully the alcohol will slow my breathing enough that I fall out for the night, and I don't fuck anything else up.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm sorry for being who I am, and I'm sorry that I exist.

I'm just sorry.