Untitled.

What was I supposed to do?

It feels like I fell down from my pedestal and I've crashed down hard. I've been put in my place, it seems, and it's not as high as I thought it originally. I was never meant to be on the pedestal in the first place.

The biggest thing that I couldn't (and can't) get over is the pretending. The faking. I've been hurt by pretending and faking, and thought that maybe this time would be different. But I've found myself being played for a fool on multiple occasons, and now I'm left reeling in second guesses and paranoid doubts. And, damnit, I can't do it anymore. I hate being played, and that's what has happened here. I've been played.

And in the process, I've been hurt.

Not only that, but time was growing short anyway. Responses took ten or more minutes, often more. Conversations simply turned into squabbles, and squabbles turned into upsets. Why would I let that persist? Not only that, but things entered the picture that threatened to take away more of the precious limited time as it was. I guess I knew all along that I'd be letting go sooner or later. I couldn't compete with reality, and now I see that. I can't compete with real life. I can't compete with actual dreams and real goals to acheive.

I was never worth enough. I wasn't worth the honesty. I wasn't worth the time. I just wasn't worth it. I wish I'd known this earlier.

I guess there's nothing left for me to do.


I'm sorry that I wasn't worth the honesty, effort, and time.

I'm sorry that I apparently was forcing you into things you didn't want to do.

I'm sorry that I wasn't able to keep up and compete.

I'm sorry that I couldn't be what you want me to be.