Don't Know Anymore.

Forgetting to Remember

She knows she's supposed to be upset
But please try to forgive her
Because this girl has decided to forget
How it feels to remember.

She's not content being left behind
To drown by herself in memories
She's decided now to save her mind
This girl wants only to be free

She's laying in the warmth of bed
Staring at the ceiling blankly
Could be thinking of him but instead
She finds she is not and frankly,

This was something long in the making.
She closes her eyes and goes to sleep
She's grown tired of simply mistaking
This for the "love" she dares to keep.

She's decided to let him do his own thing
She can't keep him on a leash anymore
But she doesn't feel pain at her heart wring
Or even the feelings she had before...

Because how to remember, she has lost
This knowledge to feelings of sadness and disdain
And all of the loneliness has finally cost
Her to forget how to feel freedom, and even pain.

She's become a numb figurine upon a stage
She quickly looks away from him and waves
Releasing her love from his rusted out cage
Knowing their love could never be saved.

Her eyes show nothing in their depths
Her heart beats in a monotonous tone
He can't see anything in her except
The blank nothingness she has shone

To be the result of all her time alone
When she used to stand loyally at the side
Waiting for him to return, she has grown
Into someone who has no feelings left to hide.

She smiles at him, but there is no emotion
She gives him a wave and sends him on his way
While his heart tears apart and his brain a commotion
Of thoughts of agony and dismay.

And he'll crawl to her feet
And he'll hold on tight, looking up with tearing eyes
Refusing to acknowledge his defeat
Refusing to let go but she can't hear his cries.

With a solitary tear running down her face
She'll pull away from him and turn around
Walking away to give him back his space
To him making not another little sound.

He'll lay on the ground in a broken heap
Never understanding why she had to go
Putting his head down as the heartbreak seeps
Into the depths of his soul, and then he'll know

That she was supposed to be upset
But he'll just have to forgive her
Because the poor girl seems to forget
What it's like to remember.

Goes With the Post Below.

This goes with the post below it, if anyone cares.

Knowledge

Another day she comes home
Alone
Should've gotten
Used to it by
Now
And yet it's still another
Stab
In the chest.
In the
Heart.

But in the
Night before,
There was an
Argument,
And she realized a
Decision
Must be made.
And now that
Knowledge
Threatens to tear her
Apart.
To shreds.
And he still isn't here
To care about it.

She spends the day with
Her eyes
Staring down at the
Floor

Waiting for him to
Make his dramatic
Entrance,
So she can enforce on him
This knowledge
She's had all day to
Prepare for.
Yet hours will pass
Before he
Dares to make himself
Known.

She sits in an eerie
Silence
As she contemplates
The knowledge
That runs wild in her
Head.
She knows that what she
Has discovered
Will cause a great
Tear to appear in the ground
And someone will
Fall
Through.

And she's decided
This time it
Won't
Be her.

When he finally makes
His wonderful self
Known,
He walks into an ambush
And suddenly realizes it
When she looks up
And locks her eyes
Against his.
The gaze is strong and
Will not release.

Before he can even ask
The question of
"What's wrong?"
Her dark eyes flicker
And she points him
Away.

He staggers backwards
Suddenly winded
Struck across the face
By an imaginary hand
Blasting the knowledge
Into his brain with
Merciless speed.
His wounded gaze
Stares her down
But she simply
Points him away.

He looks over his
Shoulder
At where the
Index finger directs
And spies an
Open door
Leading to the outside
World.
The knowledge strikes
Again,
And his wounded gaze
Begins to bleed.
Trembling,
She points him away.

And finally she utters
A
Single
Solitary
Word
From the corner of her
Mouth.
"Go."

The knowledge makes its
Fatal blow to his
Heart,
And with bleeding wounds
He turns away
And pushes himself
Through the darkness
Of the world that
Now awaits him.

Out of Time.

This is basically going to be one big confessional/depressed vent. If you don't care to read these musings, I can't say I'd blame you.

I've run out of time. My patience ran out of time. The shields have all come down, and the truth is coming out. I'm selfish, self-absorbed, self-centered, manipulative, mean, and controlling. I'm not capable of maintaining a relationship with someone who thinks for himself and doesn't like being micromanaged. I need someone who appreciates my controlling ways and doesn't mind having his life scheduled for him. Ha. Haha. As if I'll ever find anyone who will ever just lie down and do anything/everything I say.

I'm jealous. Jealous of anyone or anything that gets more fire, spirit, passion, and time than me. I find myself growing a stronger hatred for these things the more I find myself exposed to them. I bite my tongue a lot and restrain myself from saying hurtful or mean things, but the truth of the matter is... I don't care. I just don't. I'm not as fiery about these things, nor will I probably ever be. My passions in life are more intellectual... perhaps I need to find someone whose interests actually, y'know, parallel mine. So we'd actually have points of relation. So we could both do things together. So that the passion he felt for those other things, he could feel for me too... at the same time, even. It's hard to maintain a relationship when I'm one way and he's another completely. I'm tired of feeling like I'm on the back burner in comparison to other things. The fact of the matter is, though, I am. I tried for a while to convince myself that I was more important than these other things, but I've quickly come to learn that I was lying to myself. So I've stopped. But that doesn't mean I want to spend my whole life on the back burner. Because I don't. I want to be the most important thing. I want to be the reason he has fire in his eyes. The reason his heart beats every day. The reason he wakes up in the morning. Stupid me, living in such a fantasy world.

People apparently have very in-tune radars in their heads that can detect negative people and keep them from associating with them. That's got to be what's wrong with me. I'm a negative person, and as a result, I have all of one friend outside the computer. And I hardly see him. And even when we're together, he's talking to other girls as well. Flirting and such. And I shouldn't get jealous when he goes off and talks to other people, but I do. I wish he'd focus all his time and attention on me. If I could find a guy willing to spend all his free time with me, I'd flock to him and never let him go. But the fact is, that guy probably doesn't exist. Maybe I should just imagine him in my head, and have a relationship that exists purely in my dreams at night.

Why can't I be more interesting? I read, write, draw, and play videogames. Pfeh, nobody cares about those hobbies. They're overused and as such, I'm just another face in the crowd. I'm boring, dull, uninteresting, and not worth the time and effort of cultivating a relationship of any kind with. I guess that's okay. I'm about to give up with maintaining friendships and relationships and just get acquainted with being alone all the time. I mean, if I'm alone then I can't think I'm being ignored. If I'm alone, then no one cares about me and nobody has to deal with me when I fall down like this. If I'm alone, then I know nobody cares and I don't get lulled into the false security of thinking there's someone out there who will be there whenever I need them... because nobody is. Every time I get depressed, I conveniently find myself alone. Just like today; just like now. Where is he? Hell if I know. Is it my business to know? Apparently not. So why should I care?

I don't want to be in a relationship where I feel alone. Where I spend hours upon hours waiting like a puppy, keeping her tail wagging even as the rain starts drenching her and she slowly realizes she's been forgotten again. But her tail keeps wagging because she doesn't want to look like she doesn't care about her master. Even if he's too busy for her. Even if he's been too busy for her for a long time and should've let her go before she got too attached.

Quoting Shinedown's song Some Day: "I will always be attached to you, but I'm never gonna feel the same."

I guess what I'm trying to say is I'd rather be alone and know I'm alone than being with someone and thinking I'm not alone even though I am. Pure isolation is nowhere near as painful as psuedo-isolation. Again, I guess I can always have a perfect relationship in my dreams. One where I'm worth something, where we spend all our time together, where I'm the most important thing.

When did I become so selfish. It's all about me, me, me.

I think I'm going to have to be selfish now and take my heart back. I think I'm going to have to push it into the depths of my soul and leave it alone for a while. Maybe I shouldn't be pursuing anything serious with anyone right now. Maybe I'm not mature enough. Maybe I'm not worth enough. Maybe I should just stay to myself and let other people have their lives and their happinesses without them having to put up with me in the corner, always complaining and the ray of negativity that kills the day.

I think today will be the day I simply disappear. I don't think I should leave notices anymore -- nobody leaves me any notices, so why should I leave anyone one? You know what. I talk like anyone actually cares. How optimistic of me. I think today is going to be the day I simply vanish into thin air. Maybe I'll tell a few people that I think genuinely care, but that'll be it. I'm just going to disappear into the depths and never come back. Then we'd see who really cares.

If anybody.

The fact of the matter is, life would go on whether or not I existed.

If only I could just...

Just close my eyes one day.

And that'd be it.

That'd be nice.

For everyone.

I guess I've said all I've got to say.

So I'll go.

Stage Two.

Useless

I guess I'm just some kind of toy
That at any time gets thrown away
Whenever I cannot create the joy
People want when with me they play.

I used to be nicely painted
Used to wear a lovely smile
But it seems I became tainted
After being used a while...

And now I'm sitting on the shelf
Barely managing to survive
Spending so much time all by myself
When on attention do I thrive.

I guess I've just become outdated
I guess my time has reached an end
Or maybe all my facts were misstated
And these lies I'm trying to defend...

But one thing is strong in my mind
One fact continues to stay clear
I've become useless and left behind
To simply wither away alone here.

Is It What You Wanted?

I'm asking that question to two people today.

Person #1: I offered do to everything that I possibly could, and you fucking stepped all over everything I said. You then had the nerve to send a text this morning that was basically rubbing salt in the wound. There was NO point in sending ME a text message that was meant for SHELBY, praising HER about how adult and mature SHE was for stepping up. What the fuck point was there in sending that shit to ME? A fucking deliberate stab in the heart, and I hope it's worth it to you.

Person #2: I really wish I could do to you what you do to me sometimes. Blanking me out for hours at a time, completely ignoring me, and then playing ignorant when I'm angry about it. The Ostrich Theory doesn't fucking work, okay? Just because you've stuck YOUR head in the sand doesn't mean I've stuck MINE down there too. I'm tired of trying to defend you with excuses, because I've run out of creativity to produce anymore lies. So I won't anymore. I hope this is what you wanted.

I hope this is what both of you wanted. I'm hurt and I'm angry and all I can say is I hope it was fucking worth it for you. Congratulations, you win.

Whatever though.

Curiosity.

Jealousy

I wonder if I'm being weak
But I'm glad that you seem not to see
Deep within my dark green streak...
My strong sense of jealousy.

The passion that you show
For things that are not me
Makes the emerald monster grow
I try hard not to let you see.

But I fear my grip has grown tired
And I worry that your eyes will open
Seeing all the selfish things I've desired
And all my feelings gone unspoken.

I hide in the corners when you go away
And stab myself with all these blades
Making sure inside my jealousy will stay
Hoping to God that I can make the grade

That you'll never know just how I feel
How self-absorbed I really can be
I carve the secrets I try to conceal
And hope the pain will set me free.

But the pain never seems to leave my side
It's always driving needles in my soul
With every ounce of jealousy I dare not confide
Into my heart I tear out another hole.

I watch you from my dark point of existence
My head tilted to the side as you thrive
Tears running down my face at a distance
Because I feel as if I can barely survive

Without the time and attention from you I crave.
God, how I wish I could be your only thing...
But I keep this secret to myself so I can save
You from the misery that my jealousy'd bring.

And when you go away again like I know you will
I'll find myself sinking back into dark recesses
With more little razors in an effort to distill
The pain I feel because I am obsessive.

And hopefully you'll never see just all
The effort I go through to rehearse these lines
When you come back and for me you call
And I smile at you and say that I'm fine...

Because half the time, I admit that I'm not.
I plaster on makeup and wear a painted smile
Hoping that maybe with time my pain be forgot...
I guess I'm attached to a faker's style.

I'll put on long sleeves to cover the tries
So you can't see where all I've bled
I'll clear up my eyes so you don't see the cries
And I'll simply smile instead.

I'll hide all the daggers and all of the blades
That have carved confessions in my arms
And I'll even throw open the dusty old shades
Of my mind to conceal my self-harm.

Please know that the owner of your heart
Is full of lies that you will never see
That when you cut me open and tear me apart
My blood bleeds out a dark jade green.

I know that all my problems rest in me
And I'll never force on you the blame
I hate it that I'm so full of jealousy
Of the one whose heart beats as mine the same.

New Name, New Game.

I'm soon going to be making a new FictionPress account. I'll be hiding out on a new pen name and it'll be based on stories rather than poetry.

A teaser from my first big project, World Disorders I: Rebuilding the Ruins will soon be posted somewhere here.

WDI is a revised version of my first ever novel, which was lost a few years ago. It's a Marioverse-based fanfiction. It stars my first real fictious alter ego, a sixteen-year-old boy named Daniel. I hope to make this version as good, or better, than my first version.

Anyway, new name, new game.

Here We Go.

Just a little bit of poetry today...

Final Deception

She's releasing her grip
She's making a final correction
Taking back the honor that was stripped
Away in the face of the deception.

With a heavy heart but lightened mind
The fragile young woman turns away
A furious sprint she takes to leave behind
The life that fell into such disarray.

With an apology written on crumpled page
Scribbled in the inks of the purest blue
Left folded up in the middle of the stage:
I'm sorry that I can no longer love you.

The time has come to bid my goodbye
As much as my heart begs for me to stay...
You could not get over the need to lie
And your deception has finally driven me away.

And deep inside her blood boils with ice
A fire burns red hot but frigidly cold
Even though the love they shared was nice,
The continuous fables had long grown old.

Her green eyes have turned grey with clouds
That threaten to spill over in broken streams
But yet she tries to stand up tall and proud
Even though her heart within her screams

For her to return to all of the games
That finally split her world into two
She whispers to herself his tragic name,
I'm sorry that I can no longer love you.

She bites her lip and closes her eyes
Rising up unsteadily to her feet once more
Turning her back with tears she cries
Doing that which she's never done before.

With an apologetic look she tries to smile
And offers a half-hearted wave of farewell
Knowing that this was coming, all the while
Feeling like she's walking straight into hell...

I'm sorry that I can no longer love you,
But I hope that this will give you direction
To never stray from the tales that are true
Instead of offering stories of deception.

Untitled.

What was I supposed to do?

It feels like I fell down from my pedestal and I've crashed down hard. I've been put in my place, it seems, and it's not as high as I thought it originally. I was never meant to be on the pedestal in the first place.

The biggest thing that I couldn't (and can't) get over is the pretending. The faking. I've been hurt by pretending and faking, and thought that maybe this time would be different. But I've found myself being played for a fool on multiple occasons, and now I'm left reeling in second guesses and paranoid doubts. And, damnit, I can't do it anymore. I hate being played, and that's what has happened here. I've been played.

And in the process, I've been hurt.

Not only that, but time was growing short anyway. Responses took ten or more minutes, often more. Conversations simply turned into squabbles, and squabbles turned into upsets. Why would I let that persist? Not only that, but things entered the picture that threatened to take away more of the precious limited time as it was. I guess I knew all along that I'd be letting go sooner or later. I couldn't compete with reality, and now I see that. I can't compete with real life. I can't compete with actual dreams and real goals to acheive.

I was never worth enough. I wasn't worth the honesty. I wasn't worth the time. I just wasn't worth it. I wish I'd known this earlier.

I guess there's nothing left for me to do.


I'm sorry that I wasn't worth the honesty, effort, and time.

I'm sorry that I apparently was forcing you into things you didn't want to do.

I'm sorry that I wasn't able to keep up and compete.

I'm sorry that I couldn't be what you want me to be.

Is It So Much To Ask?

I wish people would be more up-front, direct, and honest with me instead of just leading me on.

Is it really that much to ask for?

I'm a big hater of dishonesty, lying, and the betrayal of trust. Normally I don't give second chances to people who betray my trust. Normally I don't give second chances to people when I can't be sure if they're telling me the truth or not. Not because I'm "holier than thou" or because I'm mean, but because I'm afraid of being hurt. I'm naive and quick to give all my trust to people, even when they don't necessarily deserve it...

So why can't people respect me and be honest and up-front with me about the way they feel in certain situations? Why do they have to play me for a fool and betray my trust? Why do they have to hurt me like that, on such a deep level?

It only makes me second guess my actions, rethink certain situations, and spoil specific moods. Is that really good for anyone? Or is it just that it's fun to put me through the ringer?

Perhaps the problem is I've given way too many chances...

Yep.

It

I'm not going to be
It,
Your silly little
Toy
That you only
Play with
When you merely are
Bored.
Fuck all your shit
And fuck being your
Plaything.
I'm not going to be
It
Anymore.

I'm tired of hearing
It,
All your
Excuses and
Stories,
Your precious little
Fables
By which you
Hide behind.
Fuck being fed constant
Bitter-tasting
Pseudo-truths.
Fuck your shit.
I'm tired of
It.

I'm done with
All
Of this,
These pathetic and
Childish
Games that are played
Strictly by
Your
Rules.
You want to
Push
Someone around?
It
Ain't
Going to be
Me
Anymore.
Again.
Ever.

It
Is all boiling
Down to a
Point,
One that's
Sharp
As a sword and
Cuts
Just as deep.
Fuck being your
Pincushion.
I refuse to be
It
Any longer.

Love is
Not
Meant to be a
Suffering
Back-stabbing
Game of
Waiting
And
Silence.
If this is how
You
Perceive love to be,
I don't want
It.

You have pushed
Once too
Hard and
Once too
Far
And now I pack my
Things and my
Life
And retake the
Control
I once
Gave
To you.
You
No longer
Deserve
It.

We are
No
Longer
A thing.

It
Is broken.

It
Is spoiled.

It
Is ruined.

It
Is done.

This is
It.

I'm done.

Out of Time

The darkness has becoming blinding
And now I have to turn away
Because slowly I've been finding
That I simply cannot stay.

I turn away as quick as I can
Before the rain in my eyes you see
I know you probably don't understand
Why it is I have to set you free.

Before you get the chance to call
Before you beg me not to leave
Before I realize I've lost it all
Before I feel the pain I'll receive...

The streams begin to run down my face
As I leave you for this last time forever
I sob loudly so your voice is displaced
I close my eyes so I can't see us together.

I'll cry an ocean, this I know for sure
My eyes will bleed a thousand bloodshot tears
The pain of heartbreak I'll have to endure
My mind will replay memories of all the years.

From the first day our paths were crossed
From every night together that we shared
Up until the day we were forever lost
And to memories that will never be there.

As time wore on, my love grew stronger
But at the same time the distance grew
Between you and I, growing ever longer
And unfortunately you never knew

That one day the distance would cause a snap
That one day it would come to this
That one day I would spring on you this trap
And misery would replace your bliss.

Please don't hate me for what I do
But if you must, on you I'll accuse no blame
Because in the end I had to hurt you...
I'm sorry that you ever heard my name.

But I know that you'll be happier that
You can live your life to its prime
And hopefully soon you'll forget this spat
And simply know I ran out of time.

Sigh.

Well, it happened again.

You would think I'd be used to it, considering it happens so much.

Yet it always upsets me just the same.

I don't like to be alone. Fortunately my best friend will be getting home soon, and I'll have someone to keep me company for a while. I've been away from being an "only child" for so long that I've forgotten how lonely it can be sometimes.

I don't understand how someone can so easily tune someone else out. Or "forget" to say they're going somewhere. Or just not bother. It feels... careless. Harsh in a way. Nearly cold. Makes me feel like I'm not worth the effort of general courtesy. I know I go on about it a lot, but it really does bother me.

Maybe I just can't let go of petty things. Maybe this whole matter is stupidly pathetic and I, in turn, am being stupidly pathetic by letting it get under my skin and affect me the way it does... because I have cried over it. Almost did tonight.

Wound up pacing about my room for a while because I couldn't think of anything else to do. Tried to go to sleep because I didn't know what else to do, but couldn't make myself do it... so I paced some more. Watched television. Stared at the ceiling. Tried to cheer myself up with MarioPaint and failed epically in the process.

Do I demand too much time? Do I demand too much attention? Do I demand too much in general? I sometimes feel like I do all of the above. I wish I weren't so clingy. So needy. So dependent. It's not fair to the people I love and care for, making them have to expend extra effort just to appease me... because then I get upset when I feel ignored.

And anytime I find myself randomly abandoned, like it feels like I was tonight, I don't know what to do with myself except curl up and wonder what I did to make the other person mad at me... to make them turn their back on me and desert me. I don't set out to make people angry. I don't set out to make people turn their backs on me. When someone turns their back on me, a little piece of me dies inside... and I only have so many pieces. It takes a really long time for me to "regrow" more pieces to kill off...

I guess I don't know what I'm saying at this point. I guess ultimately I'm confused and upset. Hurt slightly. Maybe I deserve it. Maybe I did something wrong.

Whatever it was, I'm sorry that I slipped up and did it. I didn't mean to run you away.

Snapping at a Pet Peeve.

Discontent Cat is discontent.

When I'm talking to someone, I try my best to let them know when I'm going to be stepping away. I try my hardest not to leave a person hanging in limbo for hours at a stretch wondering when I'm going to be getting back. Why can't I get that same respect from others? They just fucking walk away from me whenever they please, don't bother telling me, and expect me to sit around and wait for however long until they decide to come back.

What am I, a dog? Just tie me up somewhere and walk away and I'll be there whenever you get back? Goddamn.

I recently had a major surgery: my gallbladder was removed. I presently have staples in my stomach that are trying to heal. This means I'm not running at full capacity, especially with the pain medications I've been given to keep the pain at bay. It would be nice of people to not be snapping at me right now about the things I'm currently unable to do. It'd really be nice of people to not be yelling at me because I'm being a bit more self-absorbed than usual. Aren't I allowed to have a few off days? If having a serious surgery isn't a good enough reason for it, I guess next time I should be dying on the floor before I ask for sympathy?

It was a little (actually very upsetting as well as) vexing to know that my cat was receiving more concern than I did when I tripped over him a few days ago. Very hard pill to swallow, that.

I try my best to plan my day around the time I get to spend with the people who matter most to me. I often blow off things I want to do (or even neglect to sleep) so I can get the most time I can with people when I want to spend time with them. And I'm learning that I'm the only one who bases her schedule this way. Everyone else bases their schedules around themselves and what they want to do, and it was quite angering to have myself being yelled at for something I work so damn hard at. I'm guessing I've just made myself far too available to everyone and they've come to know that I'll lay back and let them stomp all over me. I guess they're used to the idea that no matter how craptastically I feel, I can still be pushed about and even then will still wait like a kicked puppy for my bit of attention.

I wish that I could turn around and disappear for a few days, or disappear randomly during the day without saying where or why so that people understood how it feels when they do it to me. But it wouldn't do anything except hurt their feelings, so why would I be so blatantly mean? I can't force myself to do it. I hate feeling like I'm a dog, but that's how I feel.

"Oh, I don't have to say where I'm going to her because the chances are she'll wait up for me all day, no matter how long I decide to be away for. So where else can I go today? What else do I want to do today? Let's see..."

Meh. I have feelings and a life, too... It may not be as glamorous or exciting as others, but my life does exist. If you're gonna be away, why not say so so I don't spend an entire night waiting for you to come back, my mood steadily lowering until I'm either angry or depressed (but usually both) and I finally give up and go to bed for the night feeling bitter.

Why do people feel like they can take advantage of me? I guess I sort of left myself open to being walked all over because I'm always afraid I'm going to hurt someone's feelings. I guess when you show that you aren't going to hurt someone's feelings, that gives them permission to hurt yours. What a lousy lot in life, y'know?

I'm tired of people taking advantage of me. I'm tired of people yelling at me because God forbid I didn't do something their way. I'm tired of people being mad at me because I try to have a life of my own.

Excuse me for not doing things the way I was obviously meant to.