Storyboarding.

I've decided to start working on my crossover sequel again. A major portion of the story involves the usage of music, and because of that I decided that the two crossover characters needed soul songs.

Luca is the dark spirit of destruction, chaos, and turbulence. Phil is the white spirit of reconstruction, revival, and comfort. These are their soul songs.

Luca's Soul Song: Dark Spirit

Ablaze,
Set the world aflame.
Awaken,
The demons within your name.

Ruined life in one explosion
Destroyed this soul in the course of a night
Love fell victim to corrosion
From destiny the spirit dares to flight.

Dark Spirit is the entity
That lives within this twisted heart
Dark Spirit, you can only see
How the world's meant to fall apart.

And yet Dark Spirit tries to love
The purest essence of its opposite
Claiming it fate from heavens above
But can white energy love Dark Spirit?

Set the world ablaze with fiery rage
From the skies falls crimson rain
Tormented spirit released from a tiny cage
Wanting only to spread its lifelong pain.

It is a Dark Spirit that lives a lie.
In never-ending conflict of right or wrong
And Dark Spirit now emits its cry
In the form of an evil soul song.

***

Phil's Soul Song: White Spirit

Trying to make a living in silence
But unsuccessful, moving on anyway.
Fixing the wounds of all the violence
Desiring nothing but a better day.

The White Spirit emits a lovely song
A source of comfort and consolation
With silver skills that rights all wrongs
And erases all the devastation.

All the spirit aims for is to please
The world around it forever more
Always does its best to calm and ease
The one and only that it adores.

White Spirit tangles with a darker force
And together the two begin to blend
While not always agreeing, of course
What one destroys, the other mends.

The White Spirit is large of heart
Makes sure to spread its power to one and all
Consoling the world before it comes apart
Making sure to catch anyone who dares to fall.

The song of the White Spirit echoes distantly
In the ears of those who can hear it sing
And the song will play on eternally
For the White Spirit, joy it always brings.

What have they done to you?

I know that it's not normal protocol for the child to want something for Mother's Day, but I do. I want my mother back... I want my amazing, wonderful, loving, caring, loyal mother back.

Where did she go? What have they done to her?

I have to make a confession:

I found the note earlier today.

I stumbled across it due to curiosity and boredom. I wish I hadn't. I read this note and felt a chilling wave of nausea and sorrow that I couldn't possibly describe and hopefully will never have to replicate. How long has it been this way, and why haven't you asked us to help you?

Did my episode back in March not do anything to you? This is like watching myself back a few months ago. This is almost exactly what happened to me... It's like stepping back in time. The worst image of all...

I remember my hallucination of you. My wicked hallucination of you looking up at the ceiling of my room, crying, pleading with me why. The image that scared me the most is now coming back to haunt me in the worst possible way.

What have they done to you? Everything seemed to be going so well yesterday, and now today you seem to have fallen completely apart. You're pushing away everyone who loves and cares the most for you. It's like someone has kidnapped you and took you away forever.

And I just want my mother back. I miss her so much that it hurts. I hope she never forgets that I love her, and I hope she knows that I'm so, so sorry I wasn't aware. That I wasn't close enough to her to see the signs. And I hope one day she can forgive me for my shortcomings.

I miss you, Mom. Please come back soon.

My first piece in quite the time...

Inspired by... things. And feelings. And reality.

Sweet Dream Nightmare

"Open your eyes," the voice declares
In a voice sweet as symphony
He awakens to find her standing there
Just as real as she could ever be.

He blinks a few times at this girl
Standing before him just inches away
Inside her eyes is his whole wide world
And seeing her has just made his day.

He springs forward to grasp her tight
Bringing his loving arms to caress her so
Unbelieving she is there in sight
Refusing now to ever let her go...

He closes his eyes to fight back crying
Happy tears that had waited for so long...
Only to wake up in real life sighing
That again reality has proven him wrong.

The fact of the matter was, she was a dream
A mirage of a love so strong but far away
He blinks a few times, so real she had seemed!
But now he has to start his actual day.

He lays his head down in his bed
And curls up tightly facing one side
Closing his eyes tightly with tears to be shed
Such emotion he normally tried to hide...

But in this moment in time
He allows himself a chance to be weak
Figuring that it can't be much of a crime
If no one else is there of it to speak.

And after a while the tearshed ends
And the stinging begins to slow
He's back to normal once again
But the feeling never goes.

He cups his heart within his hand
As he stands up to face the day
Love being something he'll never understand
More tears of sorrow and dismay.

She comes to him in waves of visions
Because she cannot come to him in reality
Each dream becoming another incision
In his heart. And are they meant to be,

This young and unfortunate pairing
Love so strong it spans such distance
A connection, to them, worth sharing
Even if the cruelest, truest existance

Says that they will never be one
That their arms will never embrace...
Yet despite all the pain that's done
Together this young couple saves face

And continues to claim that fate will see
Them through until the very end...
Until they are finally together in reality,
They'll suffer this sweet dream nightmare again.

I've run out of things to say to you, so I'm going to say the only thing I know I can say to you any more:

"Good luck."

I'm sorry that I will not stand by and watch you purposelly do this to yourself.

I'm sorry I was never supportive enough.

I'm sorry that I always seem to turn my back on the people I care for.

I'm sorry that you ever had the misfortune of meeting me.

Good luck with the rest of your life.

Good luck with everything.

An Open Letter.

To whom this may or may not concerns,

Allow me to start by apologizing for how all of this turned out. I know this isn't at all how you planned it, but life throws you curveballs sometimes, y'know?

I couldn't take it anymore. Your constant disappearances for hours (or days) at a time with no warning. Your continuous accusations that I was the one who was forgetting, when I know good and well I was not. Having to constantly turn to other people for comfort and solace because, guess what, you weren't there. I have more of a "relationship" with my best friend than I have with you, and you know why? Because he's here. You rarely are, and when you are, you're usually preoccupied with twenty other things.

I realize you have a life outside of me, and that is why I'm letting you go. Your life is far too hectic to have to put up with someone as dependent and clingy as I, and it's not fair to you to force you to be here if you can't (or can't be bothered to) be here. I want you to live your life to its fullest, and I'm just a two-ton weight attached to your ankle that keeps you from thriving. So I'm cutting you loose, setting you free, and giving you your freedom. Sky's the limit now, no?

I don't know what else to do and for my shortcomings, I apologize. I've tried everything I know to do to keep myself from getting this far, but in the end I failed. I'm lonely without you and miserable because I'm lonely... while you? Hell, you survive and thrive regardless of what I do. You don't need me and I don't know why you convince yourself otherwise. I'm not going to be the weight that holds you down or the person who holds you back from being everything you can be.

In the end, I don't think I will ever be able to accept you having such a thriving life outside of me. I need someone who thrives with me, not without. I need someone who wants to spend more time with me than you do. I need someone whose interests parallel mine so we have a point of connection. I need someone who actually will give me undivided attention. I need someone who will tell me when they're leaving, every time. I'm sorry, but I don't need this. Neither do you.

I hope that life treats you well and I hope that you succeed in anything and everything you do. Take good care of yourself and may you be prosperous.

Love always,
Dani.

You know what I hate?

1. People who can't expend the little bit of energy it takes to be courteous.
2. People you can't count on to be there.
3. People who disappear for hours at a time for no reason.
4. People who come back from said disappearances and act as if nothing wrong ever happened.
5. Myself for letting myself be suckered in by them.

I love my boys. I don't know where I'd be without them.

Joseph is my number one person. He annoys the living hell out of me on a regular basis. He calls me on Skype almost every day, even if it's just to go to sleep. We don't even have to be talking to each other. I can be playing one game while he's playing another, and no words have to be spoken. The sheer thought that he is there and wanting to spend time with me is all that I need. We watch videos together, we watch YouTube together, we watch each other play video games. He wants to spend time with me, and it's obvious. While he annoys the hell out of me sometimes, I know that he cares about me.

Niko is my number two person. He checks on me to make sure I'm feeling okay, and he's willing to listen to me rant and rave about things going on that upset me. He sends me random LOLcat pictures that cheer me up and sends me YouTube links that amuse me. He even occasionally gets on Skype and talks to me until he falls asleep. He genuinely cares about me and makes sure I know it, and it makes me feel like there's some kind of good in the world.

If I didn't have my boys, I don't know where I'd be in the world.

I love you guys!

Why did I ever think I could maintain a relationship with someone who doesn't treat me the same way I treat him?

Why did I ever think I could love someone who can't put another person above himself?

Why did I ever think I could stay with someone that I deep down can't trust?

I'm tired of being available to people who don't give a shit. I'm tired of being controlled by someone who blatantly takes advantage of my weak-hearted nature. I'm tired of receiving mixed messages that one minute say "I love you" then the next minute say "Oh, just kidding!"

I've done my best to be here whenever it was convenient for you, to listen to you when you needed an ear, to throw around when you needed a punching bag. I never did get the same treatment. It was always whenever it was convenient for you. But you know what, I know now that it's okay. At least I can put other people above myself and show them that I care about their feelings. Too fucking bad for me that I can't find anyone out there who shows the same piece of dignity.

Fortunately for me, I only take two weeks of mourning a split before I get over it. Tomorrow will be two weeks exactly, and I'll be able to finally move on and get over everything. Then I won't have to be around to be your punching bag. Then I won't have to be around to get my feelings hurt on a regular basis by you, because it officially won't matter what I think or feel. I'm tired of crying over you and your blatant disrespect of my feelings and emotions.

In the end, I realize now that you completely abandoned me when I needed you the most. You deserted me without so much as thinking twice about it, and I know now that I don't need that in my life. I need someone who will stand loyally at my side no matter what happens to me, not some kind of coward who ducks and runs at the first sign that I'm not "normal." Fuck cowardice, I'm cowardly enough without having to try to be brave for another person. Besides, I thought it was the man's job to be the brave one, anyway? Whoops, guess I was wrong there.

It doesn't matter now. I realize I don't want someone that treats me like crap around me to treat me like that. I realize now that I'm tired of crying for some immature and selfish brat who won't take the time to think about what his actions can do to other people. I'm on a whole new regimen thanks to you, and you show no signs of caring about it.

I take expensive medications that my family can't afford for me now because of you.

I have an entirely new daily routine now because of you.

My other friends don't like what I've become now because of you.

My feelings and emotions are regulated now because of you.

Can you see what the connecting factor in all of these situations is? Or do you not care to try? Or do you not want to try?

I guess since I have an entirely new lifestyle, I should just go all the way with it. Maybe join a gym and lose the excess weight that I kept around for you, so that maybe I can be appealing to someone else -- I'm not waiting on you to change your mind anymore, I'm done with showing you more patience that I'm normally willing to give. Maybe I'll grow out my hair and put in more layers. Maybe change my wardrobe from the loner gamer girl to something a little more in-style and fashionable.

What? I'd lose everything that I am?

...I've already lost all that. What's left to lose?

Do us both a favor and just stay out of my life. If you can't care about me, I don't need or want you around. If all you want to do is hurt people, go find someone else. If all you want to do is lie to someone's face about everything, go find someone who's willing to listen to the lies, because I'm not.

I'm done being the one you control. The days for that are officially over.

Nothing.

In the end, I'm left with nothing.

I wish my heart would stop, because all it ever does is hurt me. If I could rip it out and abandon it, I'd do it without hesitation. I wish I could have a robotic heart so that maybe I wouldn't have to feel emotion. Then I could live without having to deal with constantly caring that I wake up unwanted every day. Then I wouldn't have to spend every day taking expensive medications that nobody can afford for me because I wouldn't have any emotions with which to have problems with.

I've never felt so low in my whole life. Finding out that I've once again been toyed with and taken advantage of, and all for nothing. Finding out that the feelings of hope I had earlier in the day were for absolutely nothing. Finding out that the little bit of happiness I was feeling earlier on wound up being snatched away from me.

I wish I had more to say right now, but I simply feel like death.

Eighth.

The title means nothing, by the way. It simply represents the date. I lack originality.

So I went to the doctor today. He's pleased with how I've "far" I've come in a week. With only one mild episode and fewer hallucinations, he's convinced that we're on the right track towards getting me "fixed." To making me a normal, working, functioning human being.

But at what cost? My friends have told me they don't like the changes I've made. They don't like the new, calmer me. They don't like that my life is now on a schedule of 6 AM to 8 PM (earlier or later depending on my medication time). They don't like that I'm able to think more clearly, or react more rationally to things that come my way.

I'm confused -- it seems that in order for me to be likable, I have to be a manic, suicidal mess. I have to have trouble sleeping and chronic insomnia in which I don't sleep for up to seven days at a time. I have to be hyperactive all the time without any time to try and rationalize anything. I'm not allowed to be calm? I'm not allowed to be level? I have to be a mess or I'm not worth it anymore?

I guess I'm going to be living a very lonely life soon. I'm not willing to go back to being manic and to being a psychotic, suicidal wreck. Regardless of anything I might've said in my state of disarray, I do care about my friends and family and don't want to hurt them intentionally. Ever. I love my family and my friends (even though, as of late, they show no real interest in me), and would do anything I could for them. ...I thought that by turning my life around for what was supposed to be the better would actually improve things, but it has done nothing but ruin it all.

Only one friend treats me the way he's always done. Only one. And I hope he realizes how much I appreciate it, because I really do. When I'm talking to him, he never makes me feel awkward, sad, or upset with who I am. No matter what happens to me, he treats me with the same behavior he has since the day we met. He doesn't walk on eggshells around me and he doesn't make me feel like I'm volatile or "broken." He makes me feel... human. And I thank him, so very, very much for what he does.

Thank you, Joseph. Thank you so much. I honestly don't know where I'd be without you.

On another note, the person that I wanted to try and maintain a relationship with has all but thrown me out of the picture. I don't think he wants to talk to me anymore, nor does he care about the various goings-on in my life. That really stings a lot when I think about it, because he was the catalyst that helped me realize my life was out of order. The person who basically saved my life seems to have turned his back on me.

I don't think he wants me around anymore. Maybe I cause him some kind of pain... and if I do, perhaps he's right that I should go away forever. I don't want to hurt the person who rescued me. I don't want to hurt the person that my heart belonged (and, to a fair extent, still belongs) to. I never meant to hurt him, and I never meant to cause him so much distress. If this means that I need to go away, pack my things and never look back... Well... I guess I need to get started doing that.

You've changed on me, and I severely miss the person you used to be. The funny, caring, gentle person you used to be has upped and disappeared, and I've been left with this distant, angry, bitter replacement who often leaves me in tears. Tears of confusion and sorrow; tears of pain and agony. Tears of doubt.

I'm sorry for any pain I ever caused you, because I never meant, for one second, to ever hurt you. I feel as if this is all my fault, and I don't know what to do to remedy it except to pack my things and leave you to your life... which seems to have gotten busier since my departure. Maybe you're finally living the life you always wanted, and my hanging on is the one negative iota that keeps you from acheiving happiness.

And I'm sorry. From the bottom of my heart, I'm extremely sorry.

I miss you. The person you used to be. The person we used to be. The life we used to live. I miss it. But I see that I will never have it again. And now the problem has shifted from me trying to bring it back, to me forcing myself to accept it and move on on my own. Because it seems like you've moved on, and I've been left behind again.

I'll miss you. But I guess I'll always have our memories to hold onto, because I can no longer hold onto you. Please find yourself again, and soon. If not for me, then for yourself. I'll miss you so much. That's all I know what to say.

You've changed.

I miss you.

But I know I have to let you go.

For your own benefit.

Goodbye...

Goodbye forever.

I'll never stop caring, and you'll know where to find me when the time comes.

Tirade.

This song by Staind sums everything up for me, I guess.

I'm having to resort to talking to myself, again, because nobody can be bothered with me. That's alright, I guess.

I'm slowly getting sick of the people I call "friends." I do my best to be there for them, yet they can't do me the same service. Apparently it's too much effort or something else that I don't or can't see. I guess it's okay. I guess it's become okay to completely trample over people you call "friend" and I guess it's become okay to not give a damn about anyone but yourself. That's cool, I guess. I oughta take a lesson from my "friends" and do the same thing to them that they do to me.

I just needed someone to talk to. You were just too busy with yourself.

Here's something I want everyone to know: From now on, when you ask me what's wrong with me and I reply with "Nothing," you fucking deserve it. Okay? It took a lot for me to learn to trust people with my personal life, and lately no one has treated it well enough to deserve a proper response from me. Only people who deserve a response will receive one, and everyone else will get the blanket "Nothing," or "I'm fine." And you know what I have to say to all of you who are going to get pissy about it? Fucking deal with it.

You were never there for me to express how I felt. I just stuffed it down.

I'm tired of the way I've been treated ever since my last "episode." Or whatever the hell you want to call it. Everyone's been treating me differently, and it fucking sucks. Hard. I don't feel like myself anymore, thanks to everyone's newfound behavior towards me. If you aren't going to treat me like a normal human being, just fuck off, okay? Seriously. Just fuck off if you can't be bothered to treat me the way I deserve to be treated. And go die in a fire while you're at it.

Sometimes I wish karma would bite some people in the ass, and as hard as it possibly could. Some people really fucking deserve to have carelessness, thoughtlessness, selfishness, and rudeness shoved in their face, and I'm not the kind to willingly dish it out. Although I oughta learn how.

I'm tired of getting hurt over and over again, by the same people every time. I'm stupid for continuing to fall for their games, and they suck for taking advantage of a weak-hearted person.

In the end, we all lose.

I guess you wanted me to hate you.

Slowly but surely, that is becoming reality.

I guess you want me to hate you.

My New Life is Lonely.

I don't have my support beam anymore. But that's my own fault, and I guess I need to accept that it isn't coming back.

My new life is lonely. Even when I'm out with my family, I feel alone. I send messages that don't get responses to... that should teach me that things aren't going back to what I once knew. Life as I knew it is over. I need to turn away and look to something else as a support beam.

How could you do this to me, I wonder. How could you be the catalyst for everything, and then just go away and wash your hands of the whole matter? It's like you don't care to follow my progress anymore. Hell, maybe you don't. Maybe I'm holding onto a dead subject. Perhaps it's time I let it go. I'm sorry I continue to send stupid messages and continue clinging on as if any sort of contact could continue to remain. I know now that it's time to make a clean cut. I know now that I should go ahead and delete it all instead of clinging onto it as if it will magically reappear and be okay again. The fact of the matter is, it won't. I see that now. I'm sorry that I held on, that I'm still holding on, and I'll never bother you again.

I'll finally go ahead tonight and delete it all. I'll finally let go of that last bit of hope and let you have your life back completely and totally. You no longer have to worry about Heather and all her misfortunes. You no longer have to worry about your phone going off and it being another idiotic message from me. You no longer have to deal with logging onto MSN or Skype or Yahoo or whatever stupid messenger exists out there with my name upon it. You no longer have to worry about anything from me. I understand everything now, and I'm sorry that I didn't see the signs sooner.

Know that you will be missed.

My new life is lonely.

I'm lonely.

I need attention.

But no one cares to give it to me.

My Life.

Apparently my life could not remain as it had been. In the course of one night, everything changed.

I'm being threatened to be put away in a mental hospital if I have one more "outburst."

My medications are being tweaked about.

I'm required to be sedated at night.

I'm supposed to be "monitored" at all times, in fear I might do something to myself.

And to top it all off, I was completely deserted. And now I'm finding that I have to deal with all of these changes on my own.

Apparently my life was all wrong. Perhaps it still is. I don't know anymore. Random strangers approach me now and ask, "Are you sure you're okay?" My dad notices that I'm more reserved and quiet. I go to school and stare at the floor, often spacing out in the middle of lectures and finding myself unable to reconnect. I no longer dream at night... Either the sedatives have killed my dream self, or she killed herslf. Sleep is now like staring into a void all night.

The sedatives have killed my short term memory. I have a hard time remembering what I did the evening before when I wake up in the mornings. I've found myself asking questions that I already asked before (and gotten answers to), because I can't recall ever asking in the first place.

Pretty soon I'm going to start seeing a psychiatrist to try and figure out the root of what has caused me to mentally collapse. To attempt to put together the millions of pieces I apparently have shattered into. To attempt to bring me out of the hole that I apparently have tried to bury myself in.

Do I feel like I'm a normal human being anymore? No. There are only three people in the world that make me feel "normal" anymore. That make me feel like I'm not a complete disaster and waste of a human lifeform. That haven't deserted me; that haven't abandoned me; that treat me as if I haven't changed a bit. I fear that one day they, too, will leave my side, and I will truly be alone.

But I'm learning that being alone isn't as lonely as I thought. I can stare out into space for however long I choose, and not have to worry about forgetting to offer up a response to someone. I can cry as hard and as long as I want without ever having to worry about making someone else uncomfortable. I don't have to offer any more excuses for why I am the way I am, because nobody cares anymore. I could vanish off the planet tomorrow and it wouldn't affect a damn thing. The cord that kept me tethered to sanity has been cut, and I'm free to float around in whatever space I choose.

Yet my life is not mine to control. It's now controlled by doctors, specialists, and medications. My moods are regulated and stabilized. My sleep is controlled. My emotions are kept in check. Gotta stay in line, now. Gotta stay in line.

Can't afford to stray. Can't afford to be locked away.

But at the same time, I have nothing to lose... I've lost it all already.

Dani... no longer exists.

My name is Heather.

And this is my new life.

Confession.

Makes you feel like crap when you have to tell someone to go away because you're afraid of saying something you'll regret. Makes you feel really bad that you can't be the helpful, useful person you're supposed to be; that you let your selfishness overrun your judgement and you want everything to be about you. Makes you feel like the world's biggest heel when you realize you're the reason you're having problems with two of the most important people in your life.

I can't blame anyone but myself for the problems I'm having with these people. I know it's all my fault things have gotten how they have. My inability to properly communicate has cost me one relationship and seems to be working on costing me another. I've lost one of my biggest supporters and made her feel like she's not worth a single thng to me. Then I go and attack my other big column of support and try to tear him down because, God forbid, I needed him and he had a life of his own to live. I'm the most selfish person in the world and I don't deserve having people in my corner.

I learned why you're not supposed to drink while on the medications I take... they make it hard to breathe. Yet I've done it anyway, because I feel like I deserve to suffer somehow. Today when I got home from school I went to do the dishes and slashed my finger open on a knife. I let myself bleed for a while because I deserved the pain. I've spent the better part of the afternoon staring at the wall because nobody wanted to talk to me when I needed them. The hurt turned to anger, and the anger turned to selfish rage. And now I'm sitting alone in the dark, chugging down another drink because I've earned myself another punishment. I deserve it. I deserve all of it.

I'm not wanted on Monday. I don't think I was really wanted today. Can I blame either of them for not wanting me around? No. I don't want me around, either.

Lately my "psychic" abilities have been at their peak, and all the dreams I have at night are coming true the next day. The day before yesterday, I dreamt that I had permanently ruined my relationship with my mother... yesterday afternoon I got the email that confirmed my fear. Last night I dreamt that I pushed my boyfriend away with continuous control issues and manipulation. Today I shoved him away as hard as I could because he didn't do as I wanted him to. It makes me wonder what I'll dream about tonight. Hopefully it'll be how I get crushed underneath a truck or something, because I've fucked up everything in my life lately and I don't deserve more chances.

I apologize to everyone that I've ruined my relationships with. None of the fault lies in them at all... it's all me. It always has been me, and it always will be in the future. People are better off without me and I'm not going to deny that anymore. I'm not going to make up excuses for myself to make myself feel better because I don't deserve it... nor should I lie to myself anymore.

I'm going to go back to staring at the wall. Hopefully the alcohol will slow my breathing enough that I fall out for the night, and I don't fuck anything else up.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm sorry for being who I am, and I'm sorry that I exist.

I'm just sorry.

Don't Know Anymore.

Forgetting to Remember

She knows she's supposed to be upset
But please try to forgive her
Because this girl has decided to forget
How it feels to remember.

She's not content being left behind
To drown by herself in memories
She's decided now to save her mind
This girl wants only to be free

She's laying in the warmth of bed
Staring at the ceiling blankly
Could be thinking of him but instead
She finds she is not and frankly,

This was something long in the making.
She closes her eyes and goes to sleep
She's grown tired of simply mistaking
This for the "love" she dares to keep.

She's decided to let him do his own thing
She can't keep him on a leash anymore
But she doesn't feel pain at her heart wring
Or even the feelings she had before...

Because how to remember, she has lost
This knowledge to feelings of sadness and disdain
And all of the loneliness has finally cost
Her to forget how to feel freedom, and even pain.

She's become a numb figurine upon a stage
She quickly looks away from him and waves
Releasing her love from his rusted out cage
Knowing their love could never be saved.

Her eyes show nothing in their depths
Her heart beats in a monotonous tone
He can't see anything in her except
The blank nothingness she has shone

To be the result of all her time alone
When she used to stand loyally at the side
Waiting for him to return, she has grown
Into someone who has no feelings left to hide.

She smiles at him, but there is no emotion
She gives him a wave and sends him on his way
While his heart tears apart and his brain a commotion
Of thoughts of agony and dismay.

And he'll crawl to her feet
And he'll hold on tight, looking up with tearing eyes
Refusing to acknowledge his defeat
Refusing to let go but she can't hear his cries.

With a solitary tear running down her face
She'll pull away from him and turn around
Walking away to give him back his space
To him making not another little sound.

He'll lay on the ground in a broken heap
Never understanding why she had to go
Putting his head down as the heartbreak seeps
Into the depths of his soul, and then he'll know

That she was supposed to be upset
But he'll just have to forgive her
Because the poor girl seems to forget
What it's like to remember.

Goes With the Post Below.

This goes with the post below it, if anyone cares.

Knowledge

Another day she comes home
Alone
Should've gotten
Used to it by
Now
And yet it's still another
Stab
In the chest.
In the
Heart.

But in the
Night before,
There was an
Argument,
And she realized a
Decision
Must be made.
And now that
Knowledge
Threatens to tear her
Apart.
To shreds.
And he still isn't here
To care about it.

She spends the day with
Her eyes
Staring down at the
Floor

Waiting for him to
Make his dramatic
Entrance,
So she can enforce on him
This knowledge
She's had all day to
Prepare for.
Yet hours will pass
Before he
Dares to make himself
Known.

She sits in an eerie
Silence
As she contemplates
The knowledge
That runs wild in her
Head.
She knows that what she
Has discovered
Will cause a great
Tear to appear in the ground
And someone will
Fall
Through.

And she's decided
This time it
Won't
Be her.

When he finally makes
His wonderful self
Known,
He walks into an ambush
And suddenly realizes it
When she looks up
And locks her eyes
Against his.
The gaze is strong and
Will not release.

Before he can even ask
The question of
"What's wrong?"
Her dark eyes flicker
And she points him
Away.

He staggers backwards
Suddenly winded
Struck across the face
By an imaginary hand
Blasting the knowledge
Into his brain with
Merciless speed.
His wounded gaze
Stares her down
But she simply
Points him away.

He looks over his
Shoulder
At where the
Index finger directs
And spies an
Open door
Leading to the outside
World.
The knowledge strikes
Again,
And his wounded gaze
Begins to bleed.
Trembling,
She points him away.

And finally she utters
A
Single
Solitary
Word
From the corner of her
Mouth.
"Go."

The knowledge makes its
Fatal blow to his
Heart,
And with bleeding wounds
He turns away
And pushes himself
Through the darkness
Of the world that
Now awaits him.

Out of Time.

This is basically going to be one big confessional/depressed vent. If you don't care to read these musings, I can't say I'd blame you.

I've run out of time. My patience ran out of time. The shields have all come down, and the truth is coming out. I'm selfish, self-absorbed, self-centered, manipulative, mean, and controlling. I'm not capable of maintaining a relationship with someone who thinks for himself and doesn't like being micromanaged. I need someone who appreciates my controlling ways and doesn't mind having his life scheduled for him. Ha. Haha. As if I'll ever find anyone who will ever just lie down and do anything/everything I say.

I'm jealous. Jealous of anyone or anything that gets more fire, spirit, passion, and time than me. I find myself growing a stronger hatred for these things the more I find myself exposed to them. I bite my tongue a lot and restrain myself from saying hurtful or mean things, but the truth of the matter is... I don't care. I just don't. I'm not as fiery about these things, nor will I probably ever be. My passions in life are more intellectual... perhaps I need to find someone whose interests actually, y'know, parallel mine. So we'd actually have points of relation. So we could both do things together. So that the passion he felt for those other things, he could feel for me too... at the same time, even. It's hard to maintain a relationship when I'm one way and he's another completely. I'm tired of feeling like I'm on the back burner in comparison to other things. The fact of the matter is, though, I am. I tried for a while to convince myself that I was more important than these other things, but I've quickly come to learn that I was lying to myself. So I've stopped. But that doesn't mean I want to spend my whole life on the back burner. Because I don't. I want to be the most important thing. I want to be the reason he has fire in his eyes. The reason his heart beats every day. The reason he wakes up in the morning. Stupid me, living in such a fantasy world.

People apparently have very in-tune radars in their heads that can detect negative people and keep them from associating with them. That's got to be what's wrong with me. I'm a negative person, and as a result, I have all of one friend outside the computer. And I hardly see him. And even when we're together, he's talking to other girls as well. Flirting and such. And I shouldn't get jealous when he goes off and talks to other people, but I do. I wish he'd focus all his time and attention on me. If I could find a guy willing to spend all his free time with me, I'd flock to him and never let him go. But the fact is, that guy probably doesn't exist. Maybe I should just imagine him in my head, and have a relationship that exists purely in my dreams at night.

Why can't I be more interesting? I read, write, draw, and play videogames. Pfeh, nobody cares about those hobbies. They're overused and as such, I'm just another face in the crowd. I'm boring, dull, uninteresting, and not worth the time and effort of cultivating a relationship of any kind with. I guess that's okay. I'm about to give up with maintaining friendships and relationships and just get acquainted with being alone all the time. I mean, if I'm alone then I can't think I'm being ignored. If I'm alone, then no one cares about me and nobody has to deal with me when I fall down like this. If I'm alone, then I know nobody cares and I don't get lulled into the false security of thinking there's someone out there who will be there whenever I need them... because nobody is. Every time I get depressed, I conveniently find myself alone. Just like today; just like now. Where is he? Hell if I know. Is it my business to know? Apparently not. So why should I care?

I don't want to be in a relationship where I feel alone. Where I spend hours upon hours waiting like a puppy, keeping her tail wagging even as the rain starts drenching her and she slowly realizes she's been forgotten again. But her tail keeps wagging because she doesn't want to look like she doesn't care about her master. Even if he's too busy for her. Even if he's been too busy for her for a long time and should've let her go before she got too attached.

Quoting Shinedown's song Some Day: "I will always be attached to you, but I'm never gonna feel the same."

I guess what I'm trying to say is I'd rather be alone and know I'm alone than being with someone and thinking I'm not alone even though I am. Pure isolation is nowhere near as painful as psuedo-isolation. Again, I guess I can always have a perfect relationship in my dreams. One where I'm worth something, where we spend all our time together, where I'm the most important thing.

When did I become so selfish. It's all about me, me, me.

I think I'm going to have to be selfish now and take my heart back. I think I'm going to have to push it into the depths of my soul and leave it alone for a while. Maybe I shouldn't be pursuing anything serious with anyone right now. Maybe I'm not mature enough. Maybe I'm not worth enough. Maybe I should just stay to myself and let other people have their lives and their happinesses without them having to put up with me in the corner, always complaining and the ray of negativity that kills the day.

I think today will be the day I simply disappear. I don't think I should leave notices anymore -- nobody leaves me any notices, so why should I leave anyone one? You know what. I talk like anyone actually cares. How optimistic of me. I think today is going to be the day I simply vanish into thin air. Maybe I'll tell a few people that I think genuinely care, but that'll be it. I'm just going to disappear into the depths and never come back. Then we'd see who really cares.

If anybody.

The fact of the matter is, life would go on whether or not I existed.

If only I could just...

Just close my eyes one day.

And that'd be it.

That'd be nice.

For everyone.

I guess I've said all I've got to say.

So I'll go.

Stage Two.

Useless

I guess I'm just some kind of toy
That at any time gets thrown away
Whenever I cannot create the joy
People want when with me they play.

I used to be nicely painted
Used to wear a lovely smile
But it seems I became tainted
After being used a while...

And now I'm sitting on the shelf
Barely managing to survive
Spending so much time all by myself
When on attention do I thrive.

I guess I've just become outdated
I guess my time has reached an end
Or maybe all my facts were misstated
And these lies I'm trying to defend...

But one thing is strong in my mind
One fact continues to stay clear
I've become useless and left behind
To simply wither away alone here.

Is It What You Wanted?

I'm asking that question to two people today.

Person #1: I offered do to everything that I possibly could, and you fucking stepped all over everything I said. You then had the nerve to send a text this morning that was basically rubbing salt in the wound. There was NO point in sending ME a text message that was meant for SHELBY, praising HER about how adult and mature SHE was for stepping up. What the fuck point was there in sending that shit to ME? A fucking deliberate stab in the heart, and I hope it's worth it to you.

Person #2: I really wish I could do to you what you do to me sometimes. Blanking me out for hours at a time, completely ignoring me, and then playing ignorant when I'm angry about it. The Ostrich Theory doesn't fucking work, okay? Just because you've stuck YOUR head in the sand doesn't mean I've stuck MINE down there too. I'm tired of trying to defend you with excuses, because I've run out of creativity to produce anymore lies. So I won't anymore. I hope this is what you wanted.

I hope this is what both of you wanted. I'm hurt and I'm angry and all I can say is I hope it was fucking worth it for you. Congratulations, you win.

Whatever though.

Curiosity.

Jealousy

I wonder if I'm being weak
But I'm glad that you seem not to see
Deep within my dark green streak...
My strong sense of jealousy.

The passion that you show
For things that are not me
Makes the emerald monster grow
I try hard not to let you see.

But I fear my grip has grown tired
And I worry that your eyes will open
Seeing all the selfish things I've desired
And all my feelings gone unspoken.

I hide in the corners when you go away
And stab myself with all these blades
Making sure inside my jealousy will stay
Hoping to God that I can make the grade

That you'll never know just how I feel
How self-absorbed I really can be
I carve the secrets I try to conceal
And hope the pain will set me free.

But the pain never seems to leave my side
It's always driving needles in my soul
With every ounce of jealousy I dare not confide
Into my heart I tear out another hole.

I watch you from my dark point of existence
My head tilted to the side as you thrive
Tears running down my face at a distance
Because I feel as if I can barely survive

Without the time and attention from you I crave.
God, how I wish I could be your only thing...
But I keep this secret to myself so I can save
You from the misery that my jealousy'd bring.

And when you go away again like I know you will
I'll find myself sinking back into dark recesses
With more little razors in an effort to distill
The pain I feel because I am obsessive.

And hopefully you'll never see just all
The effort I go through to rehearse these lines
When you come back and for me you call
And I smile at you and say that I'm fine...

Because half the time, I admit that I'm not.
I plaster on makeup and wear a painted smile
Hoping that maybe with time my pain be forgot...
I guess I'm attached to a faker's style.

I'll put on long sleeves to cover the tries
So you can't see where all I've bled
I'll clear up my eyes so you don't see the cries
And I'll simply smile instead.

I'll hide all the daggers and all of the blades
That have carved confessions in my arms
And I'll even throw open the dusty old shades
Of my mind to conceal my self-harm.

Please know that the owner of your heart
Is full of lies that you will never see
That when you cut me open and tear me apart
My blood bleeds out a dark jade green.

I know that all my problems rest in me
And I'll never force on you the blame
I hate it that I'm so full of jealousy
Of the one whose heart beats as mine the same.

New Name, New Game.

I'm soon going to be making a new FictionPress account. I'll be hiding out on a new pen name and it'll be based on stories rather than poetry.

A teaser from my first big project, World Disorders I: Rebuilding the Ruins will soon be posted somewhere here.

WDI is a revised version of my first ever novel, which was lost a few years ago. It's a Marioverse-based fanfiction. It stars my first real fictious alter ego, a sixteen-year-old boy named Daniel. I hope to make this version as good, or better, than my first version.

Anyway, new name, new game.

Here We Go.

Just a little bit of poetry today...

Final Deception

She's releasing her grip
She's making a final correction
Taking back the honor that was stripped
Away in the face of the deception.

With a heavy heart but lightened mind
The fragile young woman turns away
A furious sprint she takes to leave behind
The life that fell into such disarray.

With an apology written on crumpled page
Scribbled in the inks of the purest blue
Left folded up in the middle of the stage:
I'm sorry that I can no longer love you.

The time has come to bid my goodbye
As much as my heart begs for me to stay...
You could not get over the need to lie
And your deception has finally driven me away.

And deep inside her blood boils with ice
A fire burns red hot but frigidly cold
Even though the love they shared was nice,
The continuous fables had long grown old.

Her green eyes have turned grey with clouds
That threaten to spill over in broken streams
But yet she tries to stand up tall and proud
Even though her heart within her screams

For her to return to all of the games
That finally split her world into two
She whispers to herself his tragic name,
I'm sorry that I can no longer love you.

She bites her lip and closes her eyes
Rising up unsteadily to her feet once more
Turning her back with tears she cries
Doing that which she's never done before.

With an apologetic look she tries to smile
And offers a half-hearted wave of farewell
Knowing that this was coming, all the while
Feeling like she's walking straight into hell...

I'm sorry that I can no longer love you,
But I hope that this will give you direction
To never stray from the tales that are true
Instead of offering stories of deception.

Untitled.

What was I supposed to do?

It feels like I fell down from my pedestal and I've crashed down hard. I've been put in my place, it seems, and it's not as high as I thought it originally. I was never meant to be on the pedestal in the first place.

The biggest thing that I couldn't (and can't) get over is the pretending. The faking. I've been hurt by pretending and faking, and thought that maybe this time would be different. But I've found myself being played for a fool on multiple occasons, and now I'm left reeling in second guesses and paranoid doubts. And, damnit, I can't do it anymore. I hate being played, and that's what has happened here. I've been played.

And in the process, I've been hurt.

Not only that, but time was growing short anyway. Responses took ten or more minutes, often more. Conversations simply turned into squabbles, and squabbles turned into upsets. Why would I let that persist? Not only that, but things entered the picture that threatened to take away more of the precious limited time as it was. I guess I knew all along that I'd be letting go sooner or later. I couldn't compete with reality, and now I see that. I can't compete with real life. I can't compete with actual dreams and real goals to acheive.

I was never worth enough. I wasn't worth the honesty. I wasn't worth the time. I just wasn't worth it. I wish I'd known this earlier.

I guess there's nothing left for me to do.


I'm sorry that I wasn't worth the honesty, effort, and time.

I'm sorry that I apparently was forcing you into things you didn't want to do.

I'm sorry that I wasn't able to keep up and compete.

I'm sorry that I couldn't be what you want me to be.

Is It So Much To Ask?

I wish people would be more up-front, direct, and honest with me instead of just leading me on.

Is it really that much to ask for?

I'm a big hater of dishonesty, lying, and the betrayal of trust. Normally I don't give second chances to people who betray my trust. Normally I don't give second chances to people when I can't be sure if they're telling me the truth or not. Not because I'm "holier than thou" or because I'm mean, but because I'm afraid of being hurt. I'm naive and quick to give all my trust to people, even when they don't necessarily deserve it...

So why can't people respect me and be honest and up-front with me about the way they feel in certain situations? Why do they have to play me for a fool and betray my trust? Why do they have to hurt me like that, on such a deep level?

It only makes me second guess my actions, rethink certain situations, and spoil specific moods. Is that really good for anyone? Or is it just that it's fun to put me through the ringer?

Perhaps the problem is I've given way too many chances...

Yep.

It

I'm not going to be
It,
Your silly little
Toy
That you only
Play with
When you merely are
Bored.
Fuck all your shit
And fuck being your
Plaything.
I'm not going to be
It
Anymore.

I'm tired of hearing
It,
All your
Excuses and
Stories,
Your precious little
Fables
By which you
Hide behind.
Fuck being fed constant
Bitter-tasting
Pseudo-truths.
Fuck your shit.
I'm tired of
It.

I'm done with
All
Of this,
These pathetic and
Childish
Games that are played
Strictly by
Your
Rules.
You want to
Push
Someone around?
It
Ain't
Going to be
Me
Anymore.
Again.
Ever.

It
Is all boiling
Down to a
Point,
One that's
Sharp
As a sword and
Cuts
Just as deep.
Fuck being your
Pincushion.
I refuse to be
It
Any longer.

Love is
Not
Meant to be a
Suffering
Back-stabbing
Game of
Waiting
And
Silence.
If this is how
You
Perceive love to be,
I don't want
It.

You have pushed
Once too
Hard and
Once too
Far
And now I pack my
Things and my
Life
And retake the
Control
I once
Gave
To you.
You
No longer
Deserve
It.

We are
No
Longer
A thing.

It
Is broken.

It
Is spoiled.

It
Is ruined.

It
Is done.

This is
It.

I'm done.

Out of Time

The darkness has becoming blinding
And now I have to turn away
Because slowly I've been finding
That I simply cannot stay.

I turn away as quick as I can
Before the rain in my eyes you see
I know you probably don't understand
Why it is I have to set you free.

Before you get the chance to call
Before you beg me not to leave
Before I realize I've lost it all
Before I feel the pain I'll receive...

The streams begin to run down my face
As I leave you for this last time forever
I sob loudly so your voice is displaced
I close my eyes so I can't see us together.

I'll cry an ocean, this I know for sure
My eyes will bleed a thousand bloodshot tears
The pain of heartbreak I'll have to endure
My mind will replay memories of all the years.

From the first day our paths were crossed
From every night together that we shared
Up until the day we were forever lost
And to memories that will never be there.

As time wore on, my love grew stronger
But at the same time the distance grew
Between you and I, growing ever longer
And unfortunately you never knew

That one day the distance would cause a snap
That one day it would come to this
That one day I would spring on you this trap
And misery would replace your bliss.

Please don't hate me for what I do
But if you must, on you I'll accuse no blame
Because in the end I had to hurt you...
I'm sorry that you ever heard my name.

But I know that you'll be happier that
You can live your life to its prime
And hopefully soon you'll forget this spat
And simply know I ran out of time.

Sigh.

Well, it happened again.

You would think I'd be used to it, considering it happens so much.

Yet it always upsets me just the same.

I don't like to be alone. Fortunately my best friend will be getting home soon, and I'll have someone to keep me company for a while. I've been away from being an "only child" for so long that I've forgotten how lonely it can be sometimes.

I don't understand how someone can so easily tune someone else out. Or "forget" to say they're going somewhere. Or just not bother. It feels... careless. Harsh in a way. Nearly cold. Makes me feel like I'm not worth the effort of general courtesy. I know I go on about it a lot, but it really does bother me.

Maybe I just can't let go of petty things. Maybe this whole matter is stupidly pathetic and I, in turn, am being stupidly pathetic by letting it get under my skin and affect me the way it does... because I have cried over it. Almost did tonight.

Wound up pacing about my room for a while because I couldn't think of anything else to do. Tried to go to sleep because I didn't know what else to do, but couldn't make myself do it... so I paced some more. Watched television. Stared at the ceiling. Tried to cheer myself up with MarioPaint and failed epically in the process.

Do I demand too much time? Do I demand too much attention? Do I demand too much in general? I sometimes feel like I do all of the above. I wish I weren't so clingy. So needy. So dependent. It's not fair to the people I love and care for, making them have to expend extra effort just to appease me... because then I get upset when I feel ignored.

And anytime I find myself randomly abandoned, like it feels like I was tonight, I don't know what to do with myself except curl up and wonder what I did to make the other person mad at me... to make them turn their back on me and desert me. I don't set out to make people angry. I don't set out to make people turn their backs on me. When someone turns their back on me, a little piece of me dies inside... and I only have so many pieces. It takes a really long time for me to "regrow" more pieces to kill off...

I guess I don't know what I'm saying at this point. I guess ultimately I'm confused and upset. Hurt slightly. Maybe I deserve it. Maybe I did something wrong.

Whatever it was, I'm sorry that I slipped up and did it. I didn't mean to run you away.

Snapping at a Pet Peeve.

Discontent Cat is discontent.

When I'm talking to someone, I try my best to let them know when I'm going to be stepping away. I try my hardest not to leave a person hanging in limbo for hours at a stretch wondering when I'm going to be getting back. Why can't I get that same respect from others? They just fucking walk away from me whenever they please, don't bother telling me, and expect me to sit around and wait for however long until they decide to come back.

What am I, a dog? Just tie me up somewhere and walk away and I'll be there whenever you get back? Goddamn.

I recently had a major surgery: my gallbladder was removed. I presently have staples in my stomach that are trying to heal. This means I'm not running at full capacity, especially with the pain medications I've been given to keep the pain at bay. It would be nice of people to not be snapping at me right now about the things I'm currently unable to do. It'd really be nice of people to not be yelling at me because I'm being a bit more self-absorbed than usual. Aren't I allowed to have a few off days? If having a serious surgery isn't a good enough reason for it, I guess next time I should be dying on the floor before I ask for sympathy?

It was a little (actually very upsetting as well as) vexing to know that my cat was receiving more concern than I did when I tripped over him a few days ago. Very hard pill to swallow, that.

I try my best to plan my day around the time I get to spend with the people who matter most to me. I often blow off things I want to do (or even neglect to sleep) so I can get the most time I can with people when I want to spend time with them. And I'm learning that I'm the only one who bases her schedule this way. Everyone else bases their schedules around themselves and what they want to do, and it was quite angering to have myself being yelled at for something I work so damn hard at. I'm guessing I've just made myself far too available to everyone and they've come to know that I'll lay back and let them stomp all over me. I guess they're used to the idea that no matter how craptastically I feel, I can still be pushed about and even then will still wait like a kicked puppy for my bit of attention.

I wish that I could turn around and disappear for a few days, or disappear randomly during the day without saying where or why so that people understood how it feels when they do it to me. But it wouldn't do anything except hurt their feelings, so why would I be so blatantly mean? I can't force myself to do it. I hate feeling like I'm a dog, but that's how I feel.

"Oh, I don't have to say where I'm going to her because the chances are she'll wait up for me all day, no matter how long I decide to be away for. So where else can I go today? What else do I want to do today? Let's see..."

Meh. I have feelings and a life, too... It may not be as glamorous or exciting as others, but my life does exist. If you're gonna be away, why not say so so I don't spend an entire night waiting for you to come back, my mood steadily lowering until I'm either angry or depressed (but usually both) and I finally give up and go to bed for the night feeling bitter.

Why do people feel like they can take advantage of me? I guess I sort of left myself open to being walked all over because I'm always afraid I'm going to hurt someone's feelings. I guess when you show that you aren't going to hurt someone's feelings, that gives them permission to hurt yours. What a lousy lot in life, y'know?

I'm tired of people taking advantage of me. I'm tired of people yelling at me because God forbid I didn't do something their way. I'm tired of people being mad at me because I try to have a life of my own.

Excuse me for not doing things the way I was obviously meant to.