A Depressed Vent.

Sometimes I feel so alone in the world.

I'm always the third wheel in social gatherings. That damn, damn awkward third wheel. The one no one wants to be. That's me.

When I hear my sister go on about how her friends and her are all so tight... that they call themselves a family...

When I hear my boyfriend go on about his friends and all their escapades and fun times...

I smile and I laugh at their stories, and I feel glad that they have such happy times in their lives.

But at the same time, I hurt inside. It feels like another dagger gets pushed into my heart, and another piece of my soul seems to die. I feel... so alone.

Sometimes I just want to scream, "Shut up! How can you be so insensitive!"

And then I realize it's not their fault. It's mine. But then again, I can't make my own friends. My friends either turn around and desert me, stab me in the back, or otherwise don't care for me unless it benefits them. It's not like I don't try... I just always end up alone in the end. The "friends" I have are people I know through my sister or my boyfriend, and those "friends" don't give me the time of day unless either my sister or my boyfriend are present. The rest of the time? I'm nobody. I don't exist. I don't count as a person.

I guess being alone was always how I was intended to be.

Tonight I watched my sister flirting with a crush of hers. And watched him flirt back. And I felt vulgar for being there... as if I didn't belong. While we were all out, I hung back a few feet and found myself completely ignored. Completely unneeded. I kinda stared down at my shoes and decided to put on the pseudo-hyper Dani act, not wanting anyone to notice that I knew I didn't belong.

I don't feel needed, whether it's my sister or my boyfriend. Both of them have other people they can turn to if they don't want to tolerate me. Who do I have when I wind up in the same situation?

...Myself, and that's it.

My boyfriend had something wrong with him tonight, and he absolutely refused to tell me what it was. I guess I wasn't worthy of knowing. When I pressed for an answer, he simply disappeared. I came home and, upon realizing this, wanted to cry. Instead I threw myself into emotional eating until I was nearly sick to my stomach, and then I decided I needed a distraction. Asked my sister if she wanted to go buy a present for our dad together.

But it's hard to spend time with someone who is always texting other people at the same time.

My sister and her friends are planning to throw a "formal" gathering sometime soon. Apparently they're planning to invite dates. If it winds up where people are bringing dates, I'm refusing to go. I'd rather be alone without having a roomful of people reminding me just how fucking alone I really am. The very concept of having to sit there and put on a fake happy face and pretend I don't feel lonely... that I don't hurt... it shatters me in a way I didn't expect it would.

I had to leave my sister and claim I was tired so I could come lay in my bed and cry. And cry I have throughout this entire entry. And I will probably continue the tears until I have cried myself into an awkward sleep.

Sometimes I wish I could be the one with people always texting me, like my sister is. Sometimes I wish I could be the one everyone wants to spend time with, like my boyfriend is. Sometimes I wish I wasn't simply a "package deal" with someone else. I understand that the gesture is to keep me from feeling left out, but in the end it feels like I'm getting nothing but pity invites and pity "friends." You know, pity invites because whoever I'm "packaged" with doesn't want me to feel completely left out; so-called friends who only get to "know" me because my "package partner" forces them to do so.

What's wrong with me? Why don't people want to spend time with me? Why don't people text me at random times? Why don't people fall at my feet, begging me to do stuff with them? Am I not important... am I not special?

I don't feel loved. I say "I love you" to people and they don't care to reply.

I don't feel wanted. I'm expendable. If something or someone more fun comes around, I can simply be pushed to the back burner. After all, my life revolves around waiting for people to notice me, so I'll always be around. Pathetically waiting like some kind of lost puppy.

I don't feel needed. I'm replacable. I've woken up several times to find plans that I thought were meant to go one way being cancelled or changed without my knowledge... I guess because my opinion truly doesn't count. Maybe this is something I just need to accept.

I want to feel loved. I want to feel wanted. I want to feel needed. I want to feel special. I want to feel worth something. For once I want to be someone's main priority, not just an after-thought.

I feel so alone in the world lately, and everything about me is in ruins. I used to think I was strong and resilient... that I could tolerate a high amount of pain...

But I've either grown weak, or I've taken too much. The pain in my heart and soul has become so immense that I'm slowly losing my spark for life. I'm slowly slipping into a state of daylong naps just so I don't have to deal with myself... And so others don't have to worry about pity-inviting me along to places. They have better things to do with their time than focus on me.

I'm going to crawl back into my lonely little hole. It seems that this barren little wasteland is the only place I belong in the world.

Kind of sucks, but I guess someone had to be alone.

Too bad it has to be me.

No matter how you look at it, I'm alone.

But at least it's me that's suffering and not someone I care for.

There's always that, I suppose.