Another Post That'll Go Unread.

Here I go again, writing up something that won't be read by anyone but me. Oh well, at least I'm getting it off my chest.

Today I get to debut my makeover to my family. And while there's a slight bit of excitement brewing in me, there's also a bit of resentment boiling about as well. It's a very crushing blow to one's ego when you get excited about showing somebody something and they either (1) tell you they care and then really don't, (2) get your hopes up that they're as pleased about it as you are and then crash you down, or (3) continuously create reasons as to not bother seeing it. Self-esteem gets knocked down another level, yay.

I did invest a lot of time, money, and energy in this entire thing... and it's been a big upset that my enthusiasm was so squashed. I guess this is why I should never get excited about anything... lesson learned.

Another thing I need to do is take a permanent vow of silence, and just never speak again. Apparently I can't say anything without upsetting somebody, and I'm tired of all the drama that comes with me opening my face. I seriously need to surgically detach my foot and shove it down my throat and sew my mouth shut, because that's all I ever seem to do.

I also need to learn to let things go. It's difficult to hold a conversation with someone the morning after a fight for me. Mainly because I'm selfish and mean and want that person to suffer for hurting or upsetting me. I want them to know that I've been wounded and that I'm angry over it. I've learned to stop waiting for apologies because they never come and it winds up becoming another disappointment on an ever-expanding list. Then again, maybe I don't deserve the respect of an apology... I apparently don't deserve the respect of a mature, adult conversation that settles the dispute and closes the case, so to speak, so why should I think I deserve any apologies, either? If I'd get a conversation (that I DON'T have to instigate myself) or an apology, I'd be more willing to let go of grudges and move on. But since I never get either, I hold on to every petty thing. I guess I'm a true female after all.

But here's something that I don't understand. (And probably never will.) I wind up being left behind. A lot. And apparently I'm not meant to have someone to go to when I begin to get lonely. Apparently I'm meant to be deserted and meant to tolerate the isolation and loneliness on my own, and then sit there and listen to all the great, fun times that I miss out on. And apparently I'm meant to smile and enjoy every minute of it.

Instead, I have broken the rule. I have a best friend that I spend a lot of time with. A best friend who calls me every single day, without me ever having to ask, beg, or otherwise plead. A best friend who, while he annoys the living crap out of me, genuinely cares about me and genuinely wants to spend time with me. A best friend who actually enjoys some of the same hobbies that I do (video games and idiotic YouTube videos). A best friend who has a lot of inside jokes with me because of all the amounts of time we spend together. A best friend who actually notices when I'm not around, and misses me (and isn't ashamed to tell me so!). A best friend who actually makes me feel like I'm worth something.

Yes, I am very close to him -- we were a "couple" for a while at one point in time. Yes, I love him dearly and would hate it if anything were to happen to him. Yes, I don't know what I'd do with myself if I ever lost him. Yes, I talk about him a lot -- but not anywhere near as much as I could. Why do I talk about him so much? Because he and I spend time together. Quality time together where we both are paying equal attention to each other rather than me being drowned out in thirty-thousand other conversations and activities. I talk a lot about anyone who I spend a ton of time with... it's just how I am. Is it sad that I talk more about my best friend than my own boyfriend? Yes, it really is. But you know what... there's nothing I can do about it.

I'm sorry that I naturally gravitate towards people who actually want to give me time and attention.

...

Actually, no. I'm not sorry about it. I shouldn't have to apologize for finding another outlet to fulfill a need of mine that would otherwise go neglected if I didn't. So no. I'm not going to apologize about it.

As sad (and harsh) as it sounds, if I had to choose between the two, I would probably choose my best friend. Not because I feel a romantic attraction to him (I consider him as a brother), but because I know that if I chose against him, I'd spend a lot of time alone... and I'm not a solitary person. I would rather be single and have a best friend who loves to spend time with me than ever be in a relationship where I was constantly left behind and then forced to listen to retellings of "amazingly awesome and fun!" things that I'm not a part of. If I didn't have my best friend, I'd lose my mind.

I'm tired of feeling like the bad guy for spending my time with someone who actually cares and wants to spend time with me. I really am.