Trying to Gather My Thoughts.

So it seems that the latest belief is that I can turn off my feelings whenever I want. Apparently, the latest story is that I don't want you around.

How backwards.

If I recall correctly, I'm the one always begging for more time together. Please correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm usually the one who cries over the lack of time we spend together. It strikes me as a little odd -- and rather hurtful, actually -- that I would be accused of being the one who wants the distance.

Yes, it was true that I wanted my distance over the weekend. I was angry over the weekend at having been left alone for an entire week. I was angry and I didn't want to have anything to do with you then because I wanted you to know I was upset. What I'm getting out of all of this is that I'm not allowed to be angry... that if I'm angry, I immediately have left you for dead.

If only it were that easy.

The truth of the matter is, I have no control over my feelings. If they decide I want to be upset, then I'll be upset. If they decide I'm going to boil over and erupt, then that's what'll happen. However, the one thing I know for sure about my feelings is that they take longer than a week for me to change my opinion on a situation. And I've had months of feeling dejected, ignored, and otherwise isolated to motivate me to change my way. Remember when I was the one always trying to get you to say "I love you" to me, and how you brushed my feelings off? How you absolutely refused to say it back?

It hurts when the one you love rejects you, doesn't it? Maybe now you understand a little bit better.

I've watched these tides turn for months now. Anytime we're together it's nothing but a ticking time bomb to see who explodes first. Who deals the first blow. Who can hurt the other one the hardest; who can make the other one angry/frustrated/upset enough to cry first. And there's no way you'll ever convince me that a happy partnership runs this way... I'll never believe it. Sure, we have a day or two where things are great and fun, like they used to be...

But I've said it before and I'll say it again: One or two days of contentment do not make up for five or six days of hurt and anger.

Another thing that has irked me is how everyone is so willing to tell me that I can't make a single decision on my own. I'm sorry, I mean a single right decision on my own. Everyone is convinced that my decisions are immediately wrong, especially when my decisions don't fit what any given person wants out of me. So what have I become -- some kind of puppet who has to please everyone but herself? When will any of my decisions be "good" or "right," when I give up my free will and free thinking just to shut up the masses? Is that what everyone wants out of me, to be a mindless follower? I hate to break it to you, but that gets very old, very fast.

So yesterday I made the decision to get back on my medications. Yesterday I went out and bought some clothes that actually fit. Apparently me making a few positive changes for myself has delivered the message of "Go the hell away."

Uh? Confused I am.

I was wearing clothes that were two sizes too big and were practically trying to fall off me. I wanted to get some clothes that actually flattered the figure I'm attempting to have for the first time in my entire life. I'm a female... I'm supposed to want to show off my figure. And when I finally have this epiphany, and I finally start behaving like an actual girl... I'm moving on? Please, please explain the logic to me, because no matter how many times I've pondered over this I just can't make myself understand.

Besides this, if I had moved on like you're so willing to believe I have, I wouldn't be wasting my time with this entry. I wouldn't be bothering to talk to you when you beckon. You would know that I moved on. And it strikes a nerve, a pet peeve of mine if you will, that you are so readily willing and able to accuse me of this. One of my biggest pet peeves is having someone putting words in my mouth, and you've not only put words down my throat, but you've also tried to impress feelings on me as well. A word to the wise: I highly recommend that that behavior comes to an end, quickly.

So let me ask you a set of questions...

1. If I continuously disappeared without letting you know where I was going and for how long, how long would you put up with it before you grew tired of it?

2. If I made frequent promises that I wound up not keeping, how long would you tolerate it before you began to think I didn't care about your feelings?

3. If I said one thing and then turned around and did something completely contradictory to that statement, wouldn't you doubt my words?

4. If you were having a bad day and were lonely as hell, and I randomly popped in for a brief moment just to brag about how awesome my day was, and how much fun I was having with other people, knowing that I had left you alone for an extended period of time, wouldn't you be offended, hurt, and angry at me?

You need a big dose of "put yourself in someone else's shoes for a while." I'm going to turn around and put words/feelings on you -- I honestly don't think you understand just how much of an impact your actions have on other people. I really do think you need to spend some time on the receiving end of the spectrum -- the same end of the spectrum that I've been living on for the past few months. You need to get a huge dose of seeing things through someone else's eyes... you need a huge dose of feeling things through other people's heart. And while I've tried so many times to give you that experience, you've resisted me all the way... is it any wonder I've given up?

I don't think your priorities are straight... and I think you need to step back and take the time to evaluate yourself and your priorities... I think you need to take some time to figure out what you really want out of life. Not just for the distant future, but for the present and near future. I've tried to be patient and wait for you to straighten things out, but either (1) you're not going to bother sitting back and taking a closer look at things or (2) you've made up your mind already about what's more important to you and I don't register on the list.

And maybe the only way you'll take that time is if I leave. You've already established that you're afraid of me and you've never tried to convince me otherwise when I've come to the conclusion that I'm abusive... so apparently it's all true and apparently I'm skewing your outlook on things. Maybe I need to just leave and let you work things out for yourself... maybe I shouldn't bother you again until you come to me and tell me that you know for sure what you want from life.

It's a little amusing to me how I always wind up with the same kind of person: A workaholic who, after spending the entire day away, either stuffs himself into a game and ignores me, or simply goes to sleep. Every single person I've been with has been this way. He's always got somewhere better to be than with me; he's always got someone else to share his spare time with. And if he doesn't care to go out, he'll just get sucked into some sort of game and forget I exist. And then when he's done playing the game, he might chat me up for the 20 minutes he's awake before he passes out for the night. Yeah, it does wonders for the self-esteem.

Is it any wonder that I spend a lot of time with another friend of mine? I affectionately call him my "tormentor" because of the fact he spends so much time picking on me. He [tries to] keep me awake all night because he actually wants to spend time with me. We spend all kinds of time watching each other play video games (picking on each other when one of us does something stupid on said game), watching animes or stupid videos on YouTube... We spend all our time trying to annoy the hell out of each other. I never have to ask or beg him to get on Skype -- in fact, it's usually the opposite. I never have to beg him to spend time with me because he already wants to. He doesn't close himself off from me and will tell me if/when something's bothering him.

...It's sad that I can't get any of that from the person that I want it from the most.