Bedtime Musing.

Apparently I'm not very good at the Quiet Game.

I know I shouldn't be beckoning nor should I be responding, as it's done no good for anyone involved... and yet something makes me persist. I can't decide if it's just residual attachment or my necessity to be habitual, but something makes me reach out. Unfortunately, none of my efforts at reaching out have done any good... such is the irony of the whole situation. I made an effort tonight and was pushed away, and that's enough of an answer for me -- I really need to back off and let this go. Holding on is not going to do anyone any sort of good.

In the end, what was I supposed to do? I was tired of being left behind. I was tired of feeling like I was continuously being drug through the dirt. I was tired of the squabbling. I was tired of being a source of daily fear. I was tired of being the abuser. So many things built up inside of me and no matter what I tried to do, I could never make anyone understand my side of the story. And it finally all just exploded... and that final explosion ripped me into a million pieces. And right when I needed companionship the most... I was abandoned yet again.

No, I've yet to get over the feeling of abandonment and isolation. The odds are I never will because right when I get over it, I'm left alone again. Why have I allowed myself to fall into such a horrid cycle? How much good does this do to my already fragile psyche and already weak self-esteem?

It shatters them.

I no longer feel important. I no longer feel special. I no longer feel worth the time. No matter how many times someone may say I mean the world to them... if they don't occasionally prove it, it's just a lot of empty words. Empty, painful, hurtful words. Lies almost, as harsh as that sounds. Claiming that I'm so important and then immediately turning your back and leaving me completely alone for a week... that's how you prove my importance? If this is the case, I'd hate to see how you treated people you don't consider important... that's got to be hell.

The fact of the matter is... I'm selfish. I demand a lot of time and get offended when someone dares to split their time between me and something else. Especially when they get distracted by that something else and completely and utterly ignore me (or forget I exist). I require a lot of attention and will get paranoid that I'm not worthy if I don't get the amount I consider enough. And again, if I'm having to compete with other things, I often feel insignificant and unworthy. And lately, all I do is compete with -- and lose to -- other things. I've felt pretty crappy as a result... my whole state of viewing myself has degraded.

But I guess in the end none of these confessionals even matter, because everything has fallen apart anyway. I've been given my answer as to how much I mean. I've been given my answer as to how "important" it is that the whole thing be fixed. Being shunned on multiple occasions has more than told me to shut the hell up and leave it be.

So I will.