Some Selfish Wants.

I want to be noticed. I want people to notice when I've gone away and I want people to actually care about where I am. I could disappear and nobody care. I want to be wanted. I want someone to tell me, "Hey, I want you to do something with me." Not, "You can if you want..."

I want someone to chase after me when I'm upset. I want to feel like someone cares and will take care of me. I want someone who isn't afraid to say "I love you," someone who will actually... say it. Not someone who waits for me to say it and then hesitates before saying it back... someone who isn't afraid to be affectionate and actually show they love me.

I want her to go away. I hate her. I can't stand her. Her very presence ruins my day and crashes my mood. She's taken my place in a lot of ways, and I can't accept it. If she doesn't go, then I will -- not because I want to, but because I'll have to. Because I can't stay silent much longer about how she makes me feel. Hearing that person say, "They're in love" really pissed me off. Just shove a dagger in my heart, why don'tcha? I guess I'm just too jealous a person... but if I were getting awfully cozy with someone else, wouldn't the tables be turned?

I want someone who will be happy with me. Someone who will take me for who I am, not what I do. Someone who won't keep me at arm's length. Why am I being kept at arm's length? What did I do? It hurts being kept at a distance.

I want someone who will leave me a message when they're going away. They don't have to give me a full-detailed schedule of every single minute of the day, but a, "Hey, I'll be out until maybe 3:00" would definitely be nice. Especially on nights where I wake up alone on Skype but assume that someone's there, so I spend hours talking to myself. Leave a message in text and end the call or wake me up and tell me. I'll roll back over and go back to sleep.

Do I ask too much? I admit that I have a bit of a jealous streak. I don't mind female friends until they start moving into my territory, and then I get upset. I admit I want to be the one that is chosen first for things... even if I have no fucking clue what I'm doing. I still want to be the first pick. I still want to be the special one. "Special." I want to be special to someone. I want to mean something.

But maybe I'm nothing special. Maybe I'm just ordinary.

I feel icky now.

I guess it's bedtime.