Poem.

To Say Goodbye

Her heart slowly explodes to shards
But long ago did all the love die.
She never knew it could be this hard...
Having to say goodbye.

He was the one who filled her heart
With feelings of a future warm and bright
But now those feelings are ripped apart
Because now all they do is fight.

She gathers the reminders of them
With tearful eyes she puts them away
She wonders how their situation turned so grim
And braces for the coming day

When she has to stand before her love
And watch the look upon his beautiful face
When she gives his heart back with a forceful shove
When she has to tell him to give back her space

She lays in the darkness of the crypt
With tears streaming from her emerald eyes
As she contemplates this final script
She can feel the life within her die.

Oh how she wishes she could just run instead
Instead of having to face this awful truth!
But he cannot clear these thoughts from her head
And all the pathetic hoping has turned moot.

The time for the confession will be tomorrow
She can feel it brewing deep within her soul
The fiery freeze of this impending sorrow
Singes into her wounded heart a gaping hole.

There's nothing left for her to do
The time has come for her to find her voice
She wishes this love was the one so true
But staying there is no longer a choice.

Her bleeding eyes stare into the night
Seeing the one to which she belongs
She closes her eyes to block out the sight
Because the image now is wrong.

With the dying declaration written in her brain
She curls up into a ball and starts to cry
Oh God, tomorrow there will be so much pain
When she finally has to say goodbye.

Interesting Weekend of Sorts.

This weekend has been an interesting one of sorts. For starters, I've not slept since Thursday night and can't sleep at all... nor does my body seem to care to sleep. I'm half-expecting the crash to come tonight if I get left to my own devices long enough, though. Seventy-two-plus hours of sleep-deprivation is known to catch up with a person.

Shroomy and I had a most epic Skype conversation which has lasted 32 hours, 11 minutes, and is still going as we speak. It completely shattered the record Phil and I set by staying on a single call for 20 hours, 14 minutes. It's been officially declared: Shroomy and I have no lives. =D We spent the time watching video game playthroughs and part of an anime series... was great fun actually, and I hope to get to do it again sometime soon. Unfortunately, school beckons this week so I'll have to actually be in bed at a decent hour... if I'll even sleep.

This upcoming week at school is going to be fun... Philosophy test on Tuesday, class cancelled on Thursday. Accounting test on Thursday. Seems like it'll be a stressy but short stretch of time I'll be going through.

But yeah, there's my retelling of my weekend in a general summary: Epic win on Skype, epic hilarity on Skype when I tripped out on Nyquil. Hehe!

Anyway, I'm off to again attempt to get maybe a few hours of sleep, but the odds are I won't.

Some Selfish Wants.

I want to be noticed. I want people to notice when I've gone away and I want people to actually care about where I am. I could disappear and nobody care. I want to be wanted. I want someone to tell me, "Hey, I want you to do something with me." Not, "You can if you want..."

I want someone to chase after me when I'm upset. I want to feel like someone cares and will take care of me. I want someone who isn't afraid to say "I love you," someone who will actually... say it. Not someone who waits for me to say it and then hesitates before saying it back... someone who isn't afraid to be affectionate and actually show they love me.

I want her to go away. I hate her. I can't stand her. Her very presence ruins my day and crashes my mood. She's taken my place in a lot of ways, and I can't accept it. If she doesn't go, then I will -- not because I want to, but because I'll have to. Because I can't stay silent much longer about how she makes me feel. Hearing that person say, "They're in love" really pissed me off. Just shove a dagger in my heart, why don'tcha? I guess I'm just too jealous a person... but if I were getting awfully cozy with someone else, wouldn't the tables be turned?

I want someone who will be happy with me. Someone who will take me for who I am, not what I do. Someone who won't keep me at arm's length. Why am I being kept at arm's length? What did I do? It hurts being kept at a distance.

I want someone who will leave me a message when they're going away. They don't have to give me a full-detailed schedule of every single minute of the day, but a, "Hey, I'll be out until maybe 3:00" would definitely be nice. Especially on nights where I wake up alone on Skype but assume that someone's there, so I spend hours talking to myself. Leave a message in text and end the call or wake me up and tell me. I'll roll back over and go back to sleep.

Do I ask too much? I admit that I have a bit of a jealous streak. I don't mind female friends until they start moving into my territory, and then I get upset. I admit I want to be the one that is chosen first for things... even if I have no fucking clue what I'm doing. I still want to be the first pick. I still want to be the special one. "Special." I want to be special to someone. I want to mean something.

But maybe I'm nothing special. Maybe I'm just ordinary.

I feel icky now.

I guess it's bedtime.

Really?

Is it really that hard to give someone notice?

And could I really just fall off the face of the Earth and not be noticed?

I bet I could -- and that really fucking depresses me.

I guess it's hard to give people notice.

But whatever, I was just curious.

Meh.

So I wrote a poem. And while I wrote it, I cried my mortal eyes out. Hard. Multiple times. This piece was both hard and easy to write at the same time, and both hurt and relieved me at once.

I warn it is contains extremely triggering themes. It blatantly turns triggering at the end.

Proceed with caution. It's not a pleasant piece.

The Tragic Failure

It's posted in front of all the eyes
For the entire world to see
It's the reason why something dies
Left in the form of an obituary.

It wasn't meant to be a mistake
Things weren't meant to end this way..
But she'd had more than she could take
And the pain just wouldn't go away...

She looked out the window with eyes of tears
Her body began to shake and tremble.
She had to say goodbye to all of the years
But her mind forced her to remember

All of the feelings that swarmed in her soul;
All of the memories that buzzed in her brain.
And knowing that she would never again be whole
Her eyes overflowed with this mourning rain.

There used to be sunshine all the while
Oh, how there used to be such a warm light
There used to on her face a permanent smile
But now all they could do was fight.

How did things take such a drastic turn?
How did it all wind up coming to this?
When did the all the affection become spurned
And when did the love become dismissed?

When did the bright sunshine turn to clouded days?
Where did the sudden distance emerge from?
And why couldn't she make this pain go away?
When did she lose the only one she relied on?

So many questions buzzed about her mind relentlessly
Slowly stabbing viciously at her wounded heart
And it all boiled down to what undoubtedly
Tore this poor young woman apart.

With a love so strong it could not be ignored
She turned away from him for the final time
Forever looking away from the one she adored
And turning herself to her final crime.

She grabbed a blade she'd kept hidden away
Lifted her head and placed the tip upon her chest
Closed her eyes tight and slowly began to pray
As she plotted the trail that would do her the best.

Slowly the blade made its first penetration
She winced a bit and gasped with the pain
But she continued on with the hopes of salvation
Her eyes began to flood with expiring rain.

Her body began to quiver as its life drained away
She plunged the blade in hard and twisted it about
She smiled through her choking on her final day
Watching in contentment as she slowly bled out.

She laid on her back and gasped, short of breath
Her body an island in a sea bathed in red
She whispered goodbye just seconds before death
Smiling a last time before her eyes went back in her head.

She left no note nor explanation
Neither did she leave an apology to be found
There was no need to explain her situation
So she left without a sound.

It wasn't meant to be a mistake...

Her body began to quiver and tremble...

She'd just had more than she could take...

But her mind forced her to remember.

Lyrics.

The End of Heartache by Killswitch Engage.