A Drabble of Confusion.

Today was one of those days that have had me laying back wondering, "What the hell happened?"

I've been hit completely out of the blue.

I never expected it.

Never saw it coming.

Perhaps I was blind.

I sure do feel like I was.

I only have a limited time before I fall under, so I guess I should get all my rambling out now while I'm still able to.

My whole body hurts all over. I'm coming down with a cold or sinus infection. Probably the former because of the rainy day jaunt I had on Monday. Monday suddenly feels like it was so long ago.

Today itself has felt like it's drug on for eons. When I'm not musing, I'm staring at the ceiling waiting for answers. Answers that I'll probably never get. Answers I probably don't really deserve to know, need to know, or want to know. I don't know. That's the phrase of the century: I don't know.

Things went crazy today, in a big way that I never saw coming. I feel as if I've been blind-sided by a massive explosion, and I'm reeling from it. I haven't eaten since earlier today but my stomach feels so twisted into knots that I'd probably throw up anything I tried to ingest. I want to cry, and yet my body is too tired. It's weak from sickness and weaker from last night's episode... my body seems to have committed pseudo-suicide, and it fails to function. All I can do is lay here and stare.

Sometimes I can rock back and forth... but I tend to stay still.

You know that feeling you get when someone's first passed away... when you go to call them up that one day and remember that they're not there any more?

When you stare blankly at the phone in your hand and feel the knife working its way in...

When all the memories swirl back and smash into you like a freight train, reminding you of what was and what could've been?

When that crushing realization hits you -- you're all alone in this.

It's like that. It's exactly like that.

My heart feels like it erupted into a million little pieces. My chest feels like it's been assaulted by shards of glass. My arms burn from scratches I carved into myself with my fingernails. My eyes are sore and my head steadily grows heavier.

The problem lies in that I don't know what I'm supposed to do next, and because of my lack of knowing, I fear becoming involved.

Even if I should be involved.

Even if it is my problem.

I guess I'm prone to overeacting to the point that I run everyone away. That I get too clingy and too needy and smother and choke people to death. I still don't understand what's wrong with me. I want to be fixed. I want to be normal.

I want to be perfect. Even if there's no such thing as perfect, I want to be it.

And I'm not.