Isn't Life Screwy?

Sometimes you kinda wonder.

And sometimes you kinda wonder why you're wondering.

Isn't life screwy like that sometimes?

I'm in a weird mood.

It's not happy, but it's not sad nor is it angry.

It's kinda like mild disconnection.

Anyway, sometimes I find myself wondering.

About quite a few things.

But that's probably going to be a vent in my private diary.

For now, I return to my weird little disconnected state.

And I return you to your regularly scheduled life.

Good night. (Or morning, or whenever.)

A Series of Questions.

When is it better to say what I'm thinking/feeling and when is it better to swallow my pride (and my words)?

When is it acceptable to block something or repress it from my own mind, much less the minds of those who are close to me?

When am I better off just venting in a private diary and when am I better off laying out all my cards on the table and revealing all my flaws?

Where is the line that separates protecting someone and lying to their face, and have I crossed it (probably more than once)?

Where is the boundary between trustworthiness and untrustworthiness, and have I blurred that line severely?

Where is it written that being more private than others causes bad things to occur, and is it true?

When is it okay to wake a person in the middle of the night with your own turmoils, and is it ever okay to wake that person for your own selfish needs?

Is it okay to frighten a person severely and for no good reason just so you can try to get some advice?

Have I become a complete and total liar, or am I just being too protective?

Have I kept too much too private, or have I said too much?

Is it too late for me to remedy this situation, or am I worked up over nothing?

So Yeah.

Fun times occur when you forget to take your psycho-meds.

At least I understand part of why I was so effing down last night.

Oh yeah. My apologies to anyone I passed out on. I bought some cold medicine to combat whatever I've been sick with, and accidentally overdid it a bit.

I wound up having some kind of seriously screwed-up series of dreams last night, so I didn't sleep all that well.

I want to go home. I'm not feeling up to class. But it's only two hours' worth, so I should be okay.

Then I can go home and try to sleep.

What an exciting life I lead...

Mama got diagnosed with Meniere's disease today. They put her on even more medications.

The cold or sinus infection or whatever the hell has been plaguing me has gotten worse. I've spent the day in an unforgiving, unending headache. I've been bedridden since I've come home, as I've not felt well.

I miss you.

I wish you were here.

A week ago, things were so wonderful. So happy.

What happened?

Where did it all go?

...

A Disturbing Dream.

So last night I had this awful dream...


I was laying on the floor of a house that I've seen in dreams before... a neighbor's house, I think it is. I was laying in his kitchen floor playing with a litter of kittens. They were all kinds of different colors and breeds, but they all had one characteristic that was the same: They all had these really deep blue eyes.

These were kittens that had just barely opened their eyes, kittens still small enough to fit easily in your hand. They bounced and romped happily, pouncing on my hands, feet, hair... as well as each other. They were all happy and carefree, full of energy and didn't have a trouble in the world.

I picked up one of the kittens -- it looked just like my cat Nitro, only with the deep blue eyes -- and snuggled it. It purred for a few moments, and then abruptly stopped. It suddenly began squirming profusely against me, clawing and biting until I put it down. Apparently I was a touch offended by this, for my eyes watered up as I set it down. When I put it down, it mewed at me in what seemed like an agitated or angry pitch and sprinted away. I sat up amongst the multitude of kittens, watching the one that had a problem with me, wondering what was wrong.

And then all the kittens started speaking. Yes, speaking. But all of them spoke in a separate language, and all of them spoke at the same time, loudly, trying to yell over one another. I rose to my feet, staring down at these creatures in frightened disbelief. Finally, the one with such a problem with me walked up, its tail flicking as cats tend to do when they're annoyed.

"You need to change," it spoke to me in perfect English. "Change, now."

"What do you mean I need to change?" I found myself asking to a kitten.

"If you don't change," it growled, its blue eyes narrowed, "then you're going to suffer because of it. And you'll suffer hard."

"What do you mean I'll suffer? What do I need to change?"

"You'll suffer!" It shouted.

When I blinked next, I was standing out in the middle of the large cemetery that borders the property line of Daddy's house. I was standing in front of one of the masoleums that I had explored on a previous trip. I went to lean against a support column of the masoleum, and I simply fazed through it. I looked down at myself in alarm and realized that I was semi-transparent and wispy. I could look through myself and see the ground beneath me.

"What is this?" I asked myself. Suddenly, I heard a voice coming from down the hill. I looked and saw a green tent of sorts pitched -- the sign of a funeral in progress. I realized it was strangely close to where my grandmother and her family are buried. I walked down the hill a ways to get a closer look. My eyes caught sight of something that made my heart stop for a fraction of a second.

I was looking at my family.

"Who..." I murmured to myself in a quavering voice. My eyes widened and I felt my knees buckle and grow weak. Who in my family had passed away? Who had I lost? I ran down the hill in a furious sprint, nearly tripping and falling down the hill in my panic. I rushed up to Mama's side and yelled, "Who is it? Who is it, Mama?"

She continued crying as if she didn't hear me. I blinked in confusion and tried to grab her arm. I fazed through her, unable to touch her. "Mama?" I asked, my voice cracking. "Mama, please! Mama, listen to me!"

She sobbed into Mike's arms, "My baby... my daughter..."

I gasped softly and nearly crumbled to the ground. I immediately thought she was referring to Shelby, her youngest child, when suddenly I heard my sister's voice trying to comfort Mama. I blinked and looked over at the casket nearby. It was dark green, and draped with lots of green ribbons and trinkets.

"No," I cried out softly, realizing what the symbolism meant. "No, it's not! I'm not!" I turned to my family and screamed, "I'm not! I'm here! Listen to me!" I ran to the casket and tried to pry it open, but I simply fazed through it like I had fazed through everything else.

When I blinked next, I was in Shelby's room in our house in Newnan. I heard her explaining something in a soft, trembling voice over in one of the corners. I looked over at her bed and didn't see her. Instead, she was sitting over by the window with a laptop on her lap.

I looked closer at the laptop from where I stood. It was mine.

I heard a soft voice from the laptop insist, "You're lying. You're wrong. You're playing a joke on me."

I wandered over to see who she was talking to. I was horrified to look and see she was on my Skype, on a call with my boyfriend.

Explaining to him what had happened to me.

"I'm not lying," she responded, tears streaming down her face. "I would never lie about something like this."

There was a long pause, and then the response. "But there was so much I never got to tell her..."

"I know, and I'm sorry," my sister paused to wipe her eyes. "Nobody saw this coming. Nobody knew..." Her mouth kept moving and she kept talking, but suddenly I could no longer hear what was being said.

"Nobody knew what?" I asked her. "What happened to me?"

She continued to talk without hearing me.

"What happened to me!" I screamed again. "Nobody knew what! Shelby! Phil! I'm right here!" I fell to my knees and began sobbing. "I'm right here! What happened to me... Where am I! What did I do! I'm alive! I'm still alive!"

The dream ended with the sentence "I'm still alive" echoing into nothing...

A Drabble of Confusion.

Today was one of those days that have had me laying back wondering, "What the hell happened?"

I've been hit completely out of the blue.

I never expected it.

Never saw it coming.

Perhaps I was blind.

I sure do feel like I was.

I only have a limited time before I fall under, so I guess I should get all my rambling out now while I'm still able to.

My whole body hurts all over. I'm coming down with a cold or sinus infection. Probably the former because of the rainy day jaunt I had on Monday. Monday suddenly feels like it was so long ago.

Today itself has felt like it's drug on for eons. When I'm not musing, I'm staring at the ceiling waiting for answers. Answers that I'll probably never get. Answers I probably don't really deserve to know, need to know, or want to know. I don't know. That's the phrase of the century: I don't know.

Things went crazy today, in a big way that I never saw coming. I feel as if I've been blind-sided by a massive explosion, and I'm reeling from it. I haven't eaten since earlier today but my stomach feels so twisted into knots that I'd probably throw up anything I tried to ingest. I want to cry, and yet my body is too tired. It's weak from sickness and weaker from last night's episode... my body seems to have committed pseudo-suicide, and it fails to function. All I can do is lay here and stare.

Sometimes I can rock back and forth... but I tend to stay still.

You know that feeling you get when someone's first passed away... when you go to call them up that one day and remember that they're not there any more?

When you stare blankly at the phone in your hand and feel the knife working its way in...

When all the memories swirl back and smash into you like a freight train, reminding you of what was and what could've been?

When that crushing realization hits you -- you're all alone in this.

It's like that. It's exactly like that.

My heart feels like it erupted into a million little pieces. My chest feels like it's been assaulted by shards of glass. My arms burn from scratches I carved into myself with my fingernails. My eyes are sore and my head steadily grows heavier.

The problem lies in that I don't know what I'm supposed to do next, and because of my lack of knowing, I fear becoming involved.

Even if I should be involved.

Even if it is my problem.

I guess I'm prone to overeacting to the point that I run everyone away. That I get too clingy and too needy and smother and choke people to death. I still don't understand what's wrong with me. I want to be fixed. I want to be normal.

I want to be perfect. Even if there's no such thing as perfect, I want to be it.

And I'm not.

Just a Drabble of Prose.

Never Remember Me

When you go away as I know you will
Because I know you must be free
Even though I might love you still
Promise you'll never remember me.

Forget the days that we were together
Let them escape far from your mind
Turn your sight instead to forever
And remember to leave me behind.

A burden I don't want to be
I won't be the chain holding you down
If you promise never to remember me
I'll leave without a sound.

I'll close my eyes and walk away
If that's what it will have to take
Even if I won't want to see another day
Or all my smiles I'll have to fake.

I cannot stand to see you bleeding
I can't bear to watch you cry
I wish I were deaf when you are pleading...
I would rather see you fly...

So fly away, please fly away fast
And please don't ever dare to look back
Make this day with me your last...
Please never remember that I you lack.

I hope that you will look to the day
And see the future that tomorrow brings.
I pray that things finally go your way
And that you forget I once was anything.

All these feelings, I'll push them deep
Within the confines of my soul
My love will be a secret I'll have to keep
Because with me, you are not whole.

So run away, just run away
Finally let yourself be free.
With me make this your final day
And promise to never remember me.

Just a Rant/Vent/Thought-Train.

It's not fair sometimes. It really doesn't feel fair at all sometimes.

I know it's my own doing, but it still finds a way to stab me deep and really hurt.

I never wanted to be born socially inept or emotionally unstable. I never meant to become an anti-social girl who waits all day for only 40 minutes of "conversation" a night. If you'd even call it conversation, because I don't and I won't. It was more like me sitting in silence struggling to get a reply. Meh. It's my own undoing, I really understand this, but it still feels unfair.

This morning a guy who knew me before my surgery saw me for the first time since the procedure. He told me, "If I didn't know your wonderful smile, I'd never have guessed that was you. You were beautiful before, but look at you now! Wow!" That was a good feeling. No, not good... amazing. Absolutely amazing. I liked it. I hate to say it, but I want more people to say things like that to me. God knows my deflated little ego needs all the help it can get.

What is it about me that makes me so fucking awkward? What is it that makes it where I push away all my real-life friends? Why do I resort to people who live so far away, people who have lives outside of me? Actual lives. When did I become so pathetic that I'm simply somebody's after-thought? That nobody can spare the time to give me a decent conversation? That they don't care to tell me what they're doing... fuck. Maybe I don't deserve to know what people do with their lives. It's none of my business. I guess I should've realized that sooner.

What the hell, Dani? What the fucking hell? Why are you so stupid that you waste your life waiting on people to open up their schedule for you? Why are you so idiotic that you think people should drop everything for you? Why can't you get your own fucking life? Stop depending on others, because nobody gives a damn. So get over it. Get the fuck over it.

It's weeks like these that make me remember why I became suicidal in the first place. Who wants to live their life waiting for others while they go out and live? Apparently I do, because it's all I do. Wait day in, day out, diving further into an anti-social pit because apparently it's worth it to me somewhere in my twisted little mind. Or maybe it's because I'm so fucking used to it that I don't know any better.

I want a life. I want people to wait for me. I want people to wonder where I'm at. It's selfish, I know, but damnit, I want someone else to understand how I feel! I want someone else to know what it's like so I don't feel so alone.

Alone. That's become the key word lately. Alone. Alone, alone, alone.

I've given up trying to discuss my dreams. I'm slowly giving up on explaining my moods. I'm learning to give up asking how things are going, because the answer is always the same. The open book that used to be me is closing, and I don't think anybody really gives a fuck. And if nobody else wants to care, then fuck if I will. I'll close the book, padlock it, and throw the key off the top of a mountain.

Maybe then I'd actually be happy. Maybe then people would actually be interested in me. Maybe then my life would develop some kind of energy of its own.

I'm sick of living my life in someone else's shoes. It's not fun for me any more, especially when I wind up spending so much time feeling like this -- feeling like I don't matter; like my opinions or feelings are meaningless. I dug this hole far too deep and now I can't get out... and now I'm just going to waste away in this little abyss. Not that anybody'll ever notice it, anyway.

What happened to me? When I was younger, I was social and happy and free. Now I'm just a depressed and lonely waste of a life that could've been anything in the world. Now I'm just.... Nothing. Nobody. And the only person I can blame for that is myself.

For one day, why can't it be the other way around...

For one day, why can't I be the one with a life...

For one day...

Just one day...

I wish I could mean something to somebody.

But the truth of the matter is, I just don't.

Poetry.

If you don't get it, then you don't need to get it.

But yeah.

Nothing

It's the phrase that comes around constantly --
This word should be less than few --
Instead this term has become this necessity
It must mean lots of things to you.

I shouldn't bother to ask about the day
Because the answer's always the same.
I need to stop thinking things are astray
The fact I can't remember makes me ashamed.

My memory seems to have turned bad
Because I'm always seeming to forget
That it only makes the both of us sad...
And for that, I feel all this regret.

Is it that my mind has become diseased
And has slowly started to decay?
Is it that my heart too hard has seized
And as a result, has pushed you away?

Or maybe the fact is I don't own your trust --
Maybe a little, but simply not enough.
Or maybe my twisted brain has a ridiculous lust
And makes up all this stuff.

Maybe it's that you fear I'd overreact --
That I'd explode into bits or fall apart.
But I'd prefer to know than to stay intact...
Your avoidance sometimes breaks my heart.

I don't want to be an object of upset.
I don't want to be another source of pain.
I don't want to be your next big regret.
I don't want to be a person you disdain.

But sometimes at night I admit I pray
That maybe tomorrow you'll be more open...
But the next day it again you simply say
And tomorrow night I'll resume my hoping.

I'll lurk in my darkness, deep and alone
Staring into the black until I cry
Warm saline tears make my desires known
But I just don't know what to try.

So to you I have but just one question
Of this word that means less than few:
Could you, perhaps, teach me this lesson
Of why this word means so much to you?

The phrase is a weapon the moment its uttered
This nasty one-word assault -- I hate it so!
I wish you would get out of the dangerous clutter
Of your all your nothings -- Let them go!

It feels as if a siphon penetrated my soul
And the life within is simply being possessed
Tearing into me another large gaping hole
I'm extremely sorry that I'm so obsessed!

And so for now I turn off these lights
And pray for the hope tomorrow could bring
If only for once you didn't put up a fight.
If only for once it was more than nothing.

Crash and burn.

But that's okay.

Today was okay for a while...

Even if I did wind up getting caught in a massive rainstorm.

It really was funny. I laughed.

But now I'd rather cry.

Probably will.

Crash and burn.

But it's okay.

The Same Things Brought Us Here.

Right now, all I can think is how fitting this song is. It's called Reality, and it's by Staind.

I've had a rough night of learning things I didn't want to know. I already knew that Daddy originally didn't want me... but I didn't know just how bad it was. When I'm more clear-headed, I may explain further on the situation. I just can't right now; my mind is somewhere else.

Where is it at, exactly?

Half of it is gone to sleep. A third of the remaining half is thinking about my moving to Columbus tomorrow. Another third of the remaining half is trying to tell me to go to sleep and stop thinking. The last third of the remaining half is stuck in a huge turmoil about Saturday.

It works like this: Every single time we get close to marriage, we fall apart at the seams in a way that I've never seen before. Everything just goes to pieces and everything explodes... tempers flare and fuses are short. But why? I wish I knew. Perhaps it's a sign...


On one hand I want to go through with Saturday because we've planned it and gotten all the arrangements for it... for the most part. I want to go through with it because maybe we'll be better after the anxiety of the whole event passes. God knows I was (and still am at times) nervous about it, I've no shame in admitting it. I'm nervous to the point I'm almost scared.

I'm terrified that we aren't ready for this yet and are moving far too fast. We've known each other for a few years and been together for 14 months, but we're still doing a wonderful job of getting under each other's skin and causing as much damage as possible. Is it because we're just not compatible? Are we both holding onto something silly? I don't know and I wish I did.

I felt a sad anger at the end of the discussion earlier tonight. Kind of a final sad, final anger that takes a lot out of you and leaves you feel empty and depressed. The kind that seens to try to tell you that something's amiss.

And maybe there is.

I don't want what I want to do right now... except for catching a nap.

Expect more rambling soon, I'm probably not done.

There's just too much.

Just Another Piece.

Taking a break from Text Twist, as I have a new piece to produce.

Once More

The only sound that's heard is silence
And yet their nothing yells so loud.
The only feeling in the air is violence
Because both are just too proud...

Or is it rather that they're afraid?
Perhaps it's not a matter of pride.
Maybe they fear they cannot be saved...
And out of fear, instead they hide.

And they strangle their hearts with agony;
They'll be tortured in silence for hours...
Why do they hurt themselves so needlessly?
This love has become a struggle for power.

So many questions in the back of the mind
Of a person caught in such a web tangled...
Wrapped up in thoughts of being left behind...
Choking as the tears begin to strangle.

Staying up late because they cannot sleep
Staring into the dark nothing looking for relief
Screaming to themselves with pain running deep
But holding on desperately to one simple belief:

That they're forever meant to be together
That they're the perfect match
Without really knowing that their "forever"
Could possibly away be snatched

Because they simply refuse to yield
They both demand that they be right
It's left them upon a battle field
On which they hold all these fights.

And where is this field located,
This place that holds so much pain?
It rests upon two hearts devastated
And reflects in eyes pouring with rain.

The wager in these wars indeed is strong
The price to pay is extremely high --
For if these battles go on for too long
This love between the two may die...

And despite this fact, the fights show
Instead of signs of ever wanting to end
Offering up signs of wanting to grow...
The length of time with each war extends.

They stand up tall and yell with all their might
Refusing, not even once, to give in and surrender
Instead they both want to prove themselves as right...
Maybe one day their love they'll remember.

But instead they simply break away from one to two
Their hearts forever broken on the floor
Too focused on the righteousness they believe is true...
Here they go to fight once more.

Here We Go Again.

Warning: Strong language.

Cannot Continue

And here we go, oh yet again
Another duel against me and you.
Here goes a battle neither can win
God knows this cannot continue.

What's the point of all the war?
What's the point of this debate?
What the fuck are we fighting for?
When the hell do we see the mistake?

For the love of God, open up your eyes!
For fuck's sake now, stop all these fights
Don't you know how slowly the time flies
Trying to prove pointlessly that you are right?

And I say this not just to you
But also to myself
Let's stop screaming ourselves black and blue
And put these fights on a far back shelf.

Goddamnit all, this isn't how this should be
Beating each other until we both do shatter...
When the fuck do we open our eyes to see
We're killing what's truly supposed to matter?

We must've fallen as low as low can get
It almost looks like we've just fallen apart
Staggering and stumbling with each verbal hit
Cannot be good for these wounded hearts.

I don't understand what causes the spark
That sets us into these aggressive flames
In the midst of the fire, I sit here in the dark
Feeling this heartache, feeling ashamed

That there's nothing I can say to restore
Us to the light-hearted way we used to be
I sit back and wonder how you can say you adore
Someone who can send you into a screaming spree.

For fuck's sake, the games are wearing me out
I'm convinced that I need to watch my back
Both my head and my heart are loaded with doubt
And think that affection and respect are lacked.

So here we go, yes, here we go again
With these ongoing battles between me and you.
Another war of words that neither will win...
Fuck knows that this cannot continue.

This sums it all up quite nicely.

Sometimes you know something is wrong, but you do it anyway.

And it feels great at the time.

But later on it feels horrid.

Unless you just don't care about it any more.

And then it no longer matters.

My head is full of heavy thoughts.

Things may change by the end of the day.

But nobody can be certain.

I just need to step back and re-analyze some things.

Because lately they haven't been right.

And it's finally caught up with me.