Questions.

Normally I'm cryptic or vague, or normally I write a poem or short story about my feelings when I'm stressed.

But not this time.

Instead, I'm laying it all out on the line... blunt, honest, direct, straight-forward. Even if it's going to hurt.

...In fact, I know it's going to hurt.

But maybe it's time I stopped being so pathetic.

Disclaimer aside...


Ever since Saturday night, my head has not been on straight. On Saturday night, all the emotional problems I tried to hide from my family came into the light. It's been plaguing me ever since... not because I'm angry at my family for caring, but because I'm angry at myself for slipping.

I started confiding in my closer friends about the situation I've gotten myself into. The concept that I might need to seek therapy and the concept that I may be prescribed medications in an attempt to quell my severe instabilities. Every one of the people I have confided my situation to have told me that I would benefit from the help.

Every one except one person: My closest companion.

At first, I wasn't up to the idea of seeking assistance. I was convinced that I was fine and could handle it on my own. But I started reflecting back on the past two weeks. In the past two weeks alone, I had seven different episodes of severe, random depression... three events of minor self-harm... and one attempt at suicide. Eleven episodes in fourteen days. It's a frightening number. This, and the coaching of my closer friends and family, have me considering the benefits of seeking help.

And yet this condition threatens to tear me from my closest companion... from someone I thought was my soulmate. Someone who means more to me than anyone...

I'm losing that, all because I'm contemplating counselling.

Is it really that bad... am I really that fucked up... that if I make this decision and go through with it... I'll be undesirable? I'll be some sort of failure -- a reject of society? Hell... maybe I am a reject, and have been trying to convince myself of complete and utter nonsense these past few years. I'm worth something... what a joke.

I have problems with my emotions. I am easily triggered into dangerously low "rages" of depression that can easily spiral me into panic attacks, manic episodes of extremely horrifying hallucinations, or worse. I tend to fluctuate moods at an unhealthy pace, and can go from hyperly happy to suicidally sad in the drop of a hat... for no reason at all. Sometimes my episodes follow me into sleep and cause me to suffer nasty nightmares or episodes of night terrors that leave me afraid to sleep.

My family walk on eggshells around me in efforts to try and keep me from falling into these episodes. I get treated differently because I behave differently. Can I help it? No. Am I proud to admit it? Not at all. It's embarrassing and frustrating. It makes me feel frightening and fragile all at once.

These past few days have left me walking a very fine line. In theory, I've become a ticking time-bomb. I'm on the brink of another severe episode, and I can feel it.

And yes, I know that counselling may not help. I know they'll undoubtedly put me on some sort of medications to try and remedy my situation. I understand that my previous doctors misdiagnosed me and mistakenly put me on the wrong medications (and also mixed a very dangerous set of substances together accidentally). But what if this time they get it right?

What if this time they can fix me? What if I could finally have some sort of stability in my life? What if I could finally be free of the fear of "when is the next episode going to happen?"

I could be a better daughter, sister, girlfriend, friend... I could feel better. I could...

I could be better.

If a friend of mine told me that s/he was going to undergo something so that they could improve the way they felt about themselves... so that they could improve their health and life... I would be behind them 110%, no questions asked. I wouldn't hesitate. I wouldn't blink. I wouldn't think twice. I'd do my best to be supportive and stand behind them while they went through the process. I'd get to watch them change and grow, and feel better...

I was taught that if you care about somebody, you want them to feel good about themselves. You want them to be happy. You want them to feel their best. I always thought that if you cared about somebody, whatever made them happy made you happy. I was taught to believe that if you care, you give unconditional support no matter what. I always believed that if you cared, you wouldn't turn your back. You wouldn't start treating that person differently. You wouldn't refuse to open your mind to the possibilities.

I guess I don't understand, and maybe I never will.

I guess what makes me the saddest of all is that I'm being an optimist in a situation that has long since proven my optimism to be worthless. I still wait up late at nights. I still keep my phone on at full volume while I sleep so I won't miss any incoming messages. I still keep my laptop open at all hours with my messengers running and my volume at full so that I'm not closing the door. And yet... at the end of every day, I'm the one asking myself, "Why?" while I'm trying to pick myself up off the floor.

I could always close the door... I could always turn off my messengers -- hell, I could always turn off my laptop and actually sleep in the dark for a change. I could always mute my cell phone so that the only sound I hear is my alarm in the morning. But what good would it do? As selfish as it sounds, I'd only be hurting myself. I'd feel guilty about closing the door and I'd feel guilty about causing somebody to hurt and feel depressed. I'm tragically flawed: I will care so much about another person that I will take whatever treatment they give me -- good or bad -- and will loyally be waiting for them at the start of every new day.

And, goddamnit all, people are taking advantage of that.

But the biggest question that burns in my mind is this...

If counselling and medication could make me feel better about myself, and make me happier in my life...

...Why are so you against it?