I Never Meant to Exist.

Have I set the standards too high, making it impossible for people to meet what I think is "right" or "good?" I used to think I set the bar pretty low, because I never felt like people had to jump hoops for me. But have I done backwards and actually made it harder for people? Are they having to cross tightropes over netless chasms through flaming hoops and swinging blades? Am I really that pushy, demanding, and selfish?

I don't seem to grasp the concept of "making things easy for people." I'm always so resistant and stubborn, wanting to put up a fight. I've never surrendered easily, and I always want to be right. But that's gonna eventually wear people thin of me and drive them away. Deep down, I apparently love confrontation and arguing, even when on the surface I insist that I don't. I must love having fights with people I love and care for -- I produce them all the time.

I'm wrong, okay? I'm wrong, wrong, wrong. I've attempted to change people lately for totally selfish reasons, and it has to come to an end. I've become exactly what I hate -- a demanding, whiny person who wants everything her way or the highway. When did this transformation occur? What the hell happened to make me this way? I've become somebody I can't stand. And I'm surprised anybody can stand me, either.

You know how on cartoons, how they'll occasionally have an episode where a character wishes s/he was never born... and how an angel comes around and shows them what life would be like without them? Yeah. I'd love to see what existence would be like if I weren't around to screw it up and make it bitter. I'd love to see how everybody flourished without the hassle of Dani being around to whine, complain, or otherwise incite trouble. And if I did see life was better without me, I wouldn't come back. I'd let everybody live their happier, improved lives while I spent the rest of eternity in the place where all nonexistence goes.

Quoting Shinedown: Maybe that's the way I should go -- straight into the mouth of the unknown.

And if I were to wish myself to have never existed, I'd also wish everybody would lose their memories of me. I would wish nobody remembered who I was or what I did -- because all I ever did was hurt people's feelings and leave them feeling wounded and hurt. I'd wish for them to find a friend, or loved one, or whatever that was ten times better than I ever was. Or will be. And then I'd slide into nonexistence, and everybody would live happily ever after.

I'm tired of hurting the people I love. I'm tired of wounding them with my pathetic, petty barbs. I want them to be happy. I want them to have somebody better in their lives. People deserve happiness -- not to walk on eggshells to please any one person. I wish I could disappear. It'd make everything so much easier.

Sometimes I wonder why I ever had to exist. But I guess disasters happen for a reason.

And boy, am I ever a disaster.