Gone to Lay in the Corner.

Here's something for you.

Why do I wish some people were mind readers? I guess it's really that hard for me to admit to things.

The downside to me getting depressed is that after I fall below a certain point, I don't care to sugarcoat and be nice any more. After a certain point, I'm a little sarcastic but extremely honest. But often times I find myself wishing I could take back a lot of what I reveal while I'm in this state.

I feel like somewhere in my mind, I'm reaching a bit of a breaking point. Today had me feeling frustrated and neglected. It turned to an avoidant anger, which then turned to near self-destructive depression. Finally, my cord just snapped, and I found that I had "disconnected." I remained this way most of the evening. I fought off a slight panic episode, though, and while I'm tired, I have too much on my mind, I guess.

I don't like to think of myself as pushy. In fact, I don't really think I am. But maybe I should be. I feel like a couple of my needs, no matter how silly or stupid they may be, have been seriously neglected, and it's left me feeling mildly discontent. And while they have been neglected, I don't feel like being direct because I'm afraid of sounding controlling, or pushy, or selfish and demanding. All of the things I try so hard not to be. And sometimes when I do get direct and push, I get pushed aside. And since I fear rejection, what's the point?

I'm a self-admitted attention whore. I like attention. I often act out in order to get it. But what good does it do to act out in efforts to get attention from somebody who probably has ten other things going on at the same time? Have I really become the proverbial dog who sits at her master's side and paws at his leg every now and again as if to say, "Hellooo, I'm still here. Notice me?" It sounds so harsh to say, and I know I'm going to feel bad for it later... but... that's just how I've felt. And recently this proverbial dog has felt like giving up trying, hanging her head, and laying down alone in her corner.

I feel like a toy or something. Something to be played with at somebody else's convenience, to be left alone when unwanted. I'm supposed to be here, undivided attention, willing to do whatever whenever... and if I don't, I'm accused of being angry. But when will it be the other way around? When will it be on my time for once? When will I ever know the pleasure of undivided attention... of total willingness to be open to doing whatever (even if it's just listening to each other breathe)? Whereas I get accused of being angry... I see it as said person is just not interested in me. Maybe I am uninteresting, who knows.

So from now on, I'll be less in-the-way. I'll be quieter, and I'll stop begging for so much attention, as I seem to be asking for too much of it. I'll stay in my little corner, laying down and waiting to be beckoned.

I wish people were mind readers. Then I wouldn't have to sit here and post lengthy babbling entries about myself. I'm so uninteresting and unimportant.

Maybe I'll never be beckoned. Then I can lay in my little corner forever.