What am I Doing?

I'm in the middle of one of the hardest mental crises I've had in quite some time.

I'm having a very strange episode of mental distress. I'm almost certain that it's another episode of my horrid pseudo-psychosis. The last time I had one of those was well over a year ago, and it nearly cost me my family.

And now I'm having another, and it's nearly costing me my heart and love.

All the signs are there:

-Erratic sleeping habits. I'm forgetting to wake up sometimes, while waking up extremely early others. (The number __:20 is significant, and I don't know why.) I'm also starting to try to sleepwalk.

-Random panic episodes, of varying levels of aggression. Some are short and mild, others last a while and are very nasty. And they're happening multiple times a day, not just every once in a while.

-Extreme mood change, which is the one that seems to be costing me my relationship. It's like being in a permanent state of depressed disconnection, where I can't think of a thing to say and spend more time staring out into nowhere. It's also made me far too sensitive, and if I even think I'm being scolded, I want to curl into a ball and die.

-Finally, the scariest one of all: Voices chattering at me, being nasty to me. They started on me last night, muttering voices that seemed to laugh at my fear of them. They'd get louder and louder in my ears until I'd hide under my blanket and pillows, then they'd go away for a few minutes, then come back.

I've got so much stress on me that it's literally tearing me into pieces. I have to make a decision on this surgery before Wednesday.

If I say yes, I can't go back and change my mind.

If I say no, I'll probably never have another chance to have it done.

I want to do it. I feel it in my mind that it'd be so good for me. But then I hear about all the stuff that is involved. Being hooked up to oxygen, monitors, and other devices. Being stuck with needles every 6 hours for two days. Having drains sticking out of either side of me, where I could clearly see my blood leaking out of me... for a week.

The concept of willingly walking into there with my fear as strong as it is... it's daunting. And I'm really not sure I can do it.

But if I back out because of my fear, not only will I lose out on the chance of a lifetime, my family gets proven right. They seem so convinced that I'm going to let my fear win, and that I'm going to back out. It's as if they don't think I can do it.

I need support. Lots of it. I don't need doubters and I don't need to be told I'm wrong for doing this. Everytime I hear an expressed doubt, or hear that I'm wrong, I become more convinced that they're right.

This was the first big decision I've ever made on my own, and now people are showing doubt and being negative. And not only does it depress me, it also makes me angry.

So what am I doing about it?

Hiding. Holing up and hiding. And accidentally convincing my love that I'm distancing myself from him.

Why would I do that to him? He cares so much about me and would want to know that I'm floundering. He'd be so mad if I let myself drown just for the sake of keeping him out of it. And I know it.

Then why do I do it?

I'm being so unfair to him, and it's making me angry at myself.

So I'm at war. My urge to cry and lay it all out on the line is squashed by my desire to keep him safe from my emotional outbursts. And I know it's not fair...

Oh God.

I just don't know what to do...