Reeling.

So I'm recovering.

What a night.

The big meltdown I was worried about happened tonight. In front of the entire family.

Tensions were mounting and people were cranky, and the next thing I know, I'm crying. I walk off and try to regain myself... it took 5 minutes. After the initial eruption, I was being lectured for "behaving so childishly" when it started up again. So Mike took me off alone, me and him, to which he asked me what the deal was and helped me walk it off.

I've been walking around in a relatively numb stupor since, after having erupted with all the pent up stress, anger, and frustration that had been bottled up for three weeks. It was suddenly as if all the gauges in my brain surpassed "Excessive" and busted... if that makes any sense.

Fortunately I saw the signs of it early. I started getting angry about 8:00 this evening, began to feel my body tighten, and my stomach grew cold. I was so outrageously angry that I both kicked and threw the remote, then went outside and vented it out on the dartboard... a much more appropriate target.

After that, I felt something still brewing. I declined to go with Shelby... not only because I didn't want to go hang out with a group of sad buzzed people, but because I knew the explosion was coming. So I stayed alone for nearly two hours, brooding and watching and waiting. It was kinda agonizing.

Then finally the big collapse hit, and had its reign of terror.

Despite feeling numb and disconnected, I also feel a lot lighter and better. I hate it that it happened in front of my family, as I was trying so damn hard not to let anybody in on it. But they were good about it once it was out in the open why I was behaving the way I was.

I guess I oughta try to sleep and regain some strength.

Just know I might be off my game for a while tomorrow.