Well, this is it.
Tomorrow is my last day before surgery. Mama was showing me pictures on her camera tonight, and had a video of me under the Christmas tree this year. I watched it and nearly cried -- I've never watched a video of myself, and I was so shocked by how bad it really is. I was completely unaware of how much weight I was really carrying, and seeing that video further cemented my need for what I'm about to go through. That video definitely stung... to look at yourself and see how bad it truly is...
Forgive me... I'm a bit emotional right now.
Tomorrow we leave for Anniston. We're probably going to leave around noon or 1:00, so I'm going to get up early so I can try to get some talking done before I go. We'll check into the hotel around 2:00 Central time, 3:00 Eastern. (Yes, they're an hour behind us.)
My surgery is scheduled for 8:00 AM Central, 9:00 Eastern, Monday morning. It's an hourlong procedure, and I should be in recovery within a few hours. Then at every six hours, they'll draw labs.
Tuesday, they'll make me do a test to make sure none of the stitches are leaking. After that test is passed, I won't have to be stuck any more. They'll probably unhook me from the catheter, oxygen, and heart monitors sometime after the test is done. They'll make me do more walking and probably start making me try to "eat," which will be consuming liquids.
Wednesday, if all goes right, I'll be ready to be discharged. The only thing is that they require you to take a shower before you leave.
January 6 is when the drains should, in theory, come out.
This is what I know now.
As per the surgeon's request, I took a sample dose of the pain medication they're going to have me on. It tasted horrid and nearly caused me to throw up, but I quickly chased it down with something more flavorful. I was talking with Mama when she told me my eyes started rolling back in my head, and I nearly fell right off the stool I was on. She tells me this is normal, and sent me to bed... I had to grip the wall tight, and nearly had to crawl.
Ironically, it hasn't been as bad in the last twenty minutes. I hope maybe I just got loopy for a while and shook it off. I'm told I'm going to want these medications, although I'm really hoping to do without them, and I don't want to be knocked out for long.
I'm just tying up some loose ends. Leaving notes on YPP and letting people know where I'm gonna be for the next few days.
For my love: If I didn't get to talk to you this morning to tell you this, I left you a note in the living room of our house on YPP.
With that, I guess I'm going to wrap this up.
Talk to you later, folks. See you on the other side.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Misadventures in Post-Christmas Shopping.
Today was an interesting go of things.
After oversleeping until 1:00 (damn cell phone alarm not going off!), I got cleaned up and wandered aimlessly until everybody came home.
Shelby left for Joseph's visitation with Steve... both of them clean up nicely. I probably should've went, but I don't do those sort of things well, and I wasn't all that close with him.
Instead, Mama, Mike, and I set out on the quest to find my new laptop. We called Fayetteville and learned they didn't have the laptop I wanted, nor did they know when they would get any more of them. We went to BJ's, a snazzy wholesale warehouse, where we found two awesome models that I was interested in. Both of them were sold out except for the display models, which Mike told me not to get.
I was becoming a bit discouraged, because I was finding awesome laptops but unable to find them, and they were backlogged for orders. With surgery on Monday, I wouldn't have much time to get one before school went back into session.
We went across the street to the Best Buy, where we browsed through several laptops until we came across one I fell in love with. It had a built-in numeric keypad, which made me uber happy. (I adore the numeric keypad... being an accounting major means I'm punching numbers almost constantly. Finding one built-in to a laptop was an excellent find!)
We found an associate and asked him if they had the model in stock. He wandered off a moment and returned with a "Maybe." Much better than we had been hearing all night. He ran off to the stockroom to see if they had any when a woman walked up next to us and approached another associate. She was extremely rude, and demanded "I want that model laptop, right now."
She was pointing at the exact same one I was asking about.
I began to get antsy as the associate ran through the procedure and told her that there was probably some in stock. Suddenly, our associate wandered back with a box in his hand. He handed it to Mike while the rude woman approached.
"I want that model, right now." She demanded again.
The associate smirked and pointed at us. "They got the last one."
So satisfying.
They told us it was a very in-demand machine, and that it always sold out quickly. I felt so excited to get it.
The three of us went to dinner after that, which was convenient as my hypoglycemia had made me start to tremble. The sky was gloomy and foggy all day, which was rather odd. I can't remember a time that I've seen the clouds so low in the sky. It rained and misted and was one of those dreary days that you just didn't want to be out in.
Shelby came home a short bit later, and the two of us ventured out into the war zone that was the Newnan Wal-Mart. I snagged a new yearly planner and some more fragrances, as I'm a fragrance whore. (White gardenia and vanilla amber, so delicious!) Shelby got a sunflower-scented lotion and some Sharpie pens. We went to the checkout, grumbling about a pair of kids skating around on their little Heeley shoes.
Then this guy came up with his shopping cart. And pushed his shopping cart within half an inch of me. I was miffed. I said to Shelby, "I hate when people get in my bubble."
She gave me a look as if to tell me to shut up. I said louder, "I'm freaking claustrophobic, and I can't stand it when somebody is in my bubble!"
The guy backed off a ways and gave me a glare. When it was my turn to check out, my planner didn't have the UPC code, so I ran off to go find one. When I came back, the guy with his shopping cart was standing right where I needed to be. Angrily, I walked back over to my position and bumped my hip into the end of his cart, which pushed it abruptly into his gut. Needless to say, the dude finally got out of my bubble.
Why don't people understand that it's rude to stand right behind somebody? That drives me insane.
The fog was terribly thick on the drive back to the house, and I think it caused a wreck on the road in our "subdivision." Or something. There have been trucks and utility vehicles out there since 11:00, and it's after 2:00 now.
So yeah. The day after Christmas is nasty for venturing out.
But at least I have my new laptop, which Mike and I are going to set up tomorrow.
After oversleeping until 1:00 (damn cell phone alarm not going off!), I got cleaned up and wandered aimlessly until everybody came home.
Shelby left for Joseph's visitation with Steve... both of them clean up nicely. I probably should've went, but I don't do those sort of things well, and I wasn't all that close with him.
Instead, Mama, Mike, and I set out on the quest to find my new laptop. We called Fayetteville and learned they didn't have the laptop I wanted, nor did they know when they would get any more of them. We went to BJ's, a snazzy wholesale warehouse, where we found two awesome models that I was interested in. Both of them were sold out except for the display models, which Mike told me not to get.
I was becoming a bit discouraged, because I was finding awesome laptops but unable to find them, and they were backlogged for orders. With surgery on Monday, I wouldn't have much time to get one before school went back into session.
We went across the street to the Best Buy, where we browsed through several laptops until we came across one I fell in love with. It had a built-in numeric keypad, which made me uber happy. (I adore the numeric keypad... being an accounting major means I'm punching numbers almost constantly. Finding one built-in to a laptop was an excellent find!)
We found an associate and asked him if they had the model in stock. He wandered off a moment and returned with a "Maybe." Much better than we had been hearing all night. He ran off to the stockroom to see if they had any when a woman walked up next to us and approached another associate. She was extremely rude, and demanded "I want that model laptop, right now."
She was pointing at the exact same one I was asking about.
I began to get antsy as the associate ran through the procedure and told her that there was probably some in stock. Suddenly, our associate wandered back with a box in his hand. He handed it to Mike while the rude woman approached.
"I want that model, right now." She demanded again.
The associate smirked and pointed at us. "They got the last one."
So satisfying.
They told us it was a very in-demand machine, and that it always sold out quickly. I felt so excited to get it.
The three of us went to dinner after that, which was convenient as my hypoglycemia had made me start to tremble. The sky was gloomy and foggy all day, which was rather odd. I can't remember a time that I've seen the clouds so low in the sky. It rained and misted and was one of those dreary days that you just didn't want to be out in.
Shelby came home a short bit later, and the two of us ventured out into the war zone that was the Newnan Wal-Mart. I snagged a new yearly planner and some more fragrances, as I'm a fragrance whore. (White gardenia and vanilla amber, so delicious!) Shelby got a sunflower-scented lotion and some Sharpie pens. We went to the checkout, grumbling about a pair of kids skating around on their little Heeley shoes.
Then this guy came up with his shopping cart. And pushed his shopping cart within half an inch of me. I was miffed. I said to Shelby, "I hate when people get in my bubble."
She gave me a look as if to tell me to shut up. I said louder, "I'm freaking claustrophobic, and I can't stand it when somebody is in my bubble!"
The guy backed off a ways and gave me a glare. When it was my turn to check out, my planner didn't have the UPC code, so I ran off to go find one. When I came back, the guy with his shopping cart was standing right where I needed to be. Angrily, I walked back over to my position and bumped my hip into the end of his cart, which pushed it abruptly into his gut. Needless to say, the dude finally got out of my bubble.
Why don't people understand that it's rude to stand right behind somebody? That drives me insane.
The fog was terribly thick on the drive back to the house, and I think it caused a wreck on the road in our "subdivision." Or something. There have been trucks and utility vehicles out there since 11:00, and it's after 2:00 now.
So yeah. The day after Christmas is nasty for venturing out.
But at least I have my new laptop, which Mike and I are going to set up tomorrow.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Request.
I hope everyone is having a fun Christmas Eve.
...Or, at least, having a better one than mine.
Nothing like being left alone all night while your family goes out to a party, because you're not allowed to get sick, so you can't go anywhere.
At least Mama gave me a list of chores she wants done before she gets back.
Woo. Merry Christmas to Dani.
If it's so merry, why am I so sad?
...Or, at least, having a better one than mine.
Nothing like being left alone all night while your family goes out to a party, because you're not allowed to get sick, so you can't go anywhere.
At least Mama gave me a list of chores she wants done before she gets back.
Woo. Merry Christmas to Dani.
If it's so merry, why am I so sad?
Yesterday and Today.
Yesterday was a weird day. It was my day to be prodded and otherwise examined in everyone's favorite Alabama town, Anniston.
I had slept from 2:30 to 5:30 and was rather alert for such little sleep. Mike was cranky that Mama had went along (and was medicated), and Shelby was cranky because she didn't sleep. So everybody was in an ugly mood.
The grouchiness continued for the vast majority of the day.
I had my first ever ultrasound, which was kinda fun yet kinda was annoying. I wasn't thrilled to have my ribs pushed down on, and was ready for it to be over. It didn't hurt, it was just annoying. I now know what my liver looks like... excitement reigns.
Anyway, I jumped through a few more hoops and had to face another needle in the arm. Mike went with me and grabbed me right as she stuck it in, which completely distracted me. The nurse was very good, and I didn't even feel it. I didn't cry, although my eyes watered up. Instead, I sorta winced and whimpered.
I was proud of myself. But when you go to share your excitement with people and they just don't really give a damn, it feels like you accomplished nothing. So my happiness with myself was very short-lived.
We had to get me lunch quickly after that, because my hypoglycemia and weakness after losing blood had me practically unable to walk. I turned a wicked shade of white, which was interesting. After lunch, tempers seemed to have calmed. For a while.
I was so glad when we finally all got home to Newnan. This was probably the first time in my life that I hated being on the road.
Shelby and Steve were planning on going out, and since Mama and Mike were at ends, and I was still hurt from my earlier disappointment, I decided to go with them. We had a fun time rampaging through Rite Aid in search of Christmas gifts for Shelby's favorite "other moms."
We went and picked up Steve's little sister from their grandmother's house, and I got to meet his grandmother. She was so sweet and absolutely adorable! Afterwards, we hung out at Steve's mother's house for a while, where I played with Kittah (their cat Socks).
We randomly decided to go drop by Amy's house and drop her mother's gift off, only to arrive there and find that her mother wasn't home. We heard rumor that a huge light display was two streets down, and we decided to go try to see it. Apparently it's so awesome that there was a line. A long line. Shelby suggested we go out to Fayetteville and see the two uber light displays there, so off we went.
We were blasting awesome music, dancing, and pretty much jokingly abusing one another through the course of the evening. The two light displays were amazing! I was staring out the window like an awe-struck child who had just opened a gift and found it was just what she wanted.
We drove back to Amy's house after that, not sure what we wanted to do next. Zack started texting Steve, and Amy had gone into her house to go get money so they could go eat. Somewhere along the way, she dropped her phone into her yard. Her large, leaf-covered yard. It took us upwards of 30 minutes finding it, as she had turned it on silent. Since I'm not allowed to get sick, they made me sit inside.
They dropped me off back at the house because they were going to go see Zack, who had been violently ill for the past few days. I felt a bit dejected at having to sit on the sidelines... I was about to go sit in the chair and brood to myself when Shelby, Steve, and Amy burst into the house. Shelby said, "We just didn't feel like leaving you!"
I was so touched. :)
The four of us sat in the living room a while, Steve watching me play video games while Shelby and Amy watched internet cartoons. Mama joined us for a few, which was also fun. Finally, the three decided to go out to eat around midnight, and I had decided I'd had enough fun for one night. I sat in the garage with Mama, and we talked and flew helicopters until past two.
Today, Mike, Mama, and Shelby are going to Columbus for the day. Shelby's going to the yearly family gathering, and Mama and Mike are going to have dinner and a movie. I'm going to stay behind and keep tabs on the house. I can't go anywhere because if I get sick, they'll cancel my surgery and I won't be able to have it done. So I'm being kept in quarantine until after Monday.
It makes me a little sad that I'll have to miss out on the festivities and spend my Christmas Eve alone, but I guess it's a sacrifice worth making.
On the 26th, Mama's going to take me out and we're going to buy me a new laptop. That's presently what I'm looking forward to.
So yeah. Yesterday was both awesome and crappy, and today just sounds like it's going to be an evening where I try to find something to pass the time, as everybody has places to go except me.
I hope everybody has a fun Christmas Eve.
I had slept from 2:30 to 5:30 and was rather alert for such little sleep. Mike was cranky that Mama had went along (and was medicated), and Shelby was cranky because she didn't sleep. So everybody was in an ugly mood.
The grouchiness continued for the vast majority of the day.
I had my first ever ultrasound, which was kinda fun yet kinda was annoying. I wasn't thrilled to have my ribs pushed down on, and was ready for it to be over. It didn't hurt, it was just annoying. I now know what my liver looks like... excitement reigns.
Anyway, I jumped through a few more hoops and had to face another needle in the arm. Mike went with me and grabbed me right as she stuck it in, which completely distracted me. The nurse was very good, and I didn't even feel it. I didn't cry, although my eyes watered up. Instead, I sorta winced and whimpered.
I was proud of myself. But when you go to share your excitement with people and they just don't really give a damn, it feels like you accomplished nothing. So my happiness with myself was very short-lived.
We had to get me lunch quickly after that, because my hypoglycemia and weakness after losing blood had me practically unable to walk. I turned a wicked shade of white, which was interesting. After lunch, tempers seemed to have calmed. For a while.
I was so glad when we finally all got home to Newnan. This was probably the first time in my life that I hated being on the road.
Shelby and Steve were planning on going out, and since Mama and Mike were at ends, and I was still hurt from my earlier disappointment, I decided to go with them. We had a fun time rampaging through Rite Aid in search of Christmas gifts for Shelby's favorite "other moms."
We went and picked up Steve's little sister from their grandmother's house, and I got to meet his grandmother. She was so sweet and absolutely adorable! Afterwards, we hung out at Steve's mother's house for a while, where I played with Kittah (their cat Socks).
We randomly decided to go drop by Amy's house and drop her mother's gift off, only to arrive there and find that her mother wasn't home. We heard rumor that a huge light display was two streets down, and we decided to go try to see it. Apparently it's so awesome that there was a line. A long line. Shelby suggested we go out to Fayetteville and see the two uber light displays there, so off we went.
We were blasting awesome music, dancing, and pretty much jokingly abusing one another through the course of the evening. The two light displays were amazing! I was staring out the window like an awe-struck child who had just opened a gift and found it was just what she wanted.
We drove back to Amy's house after that, not sure what we wanted to do next. Zack started texting Steve, and Amy had gone into her house to go get money so they could go eat. Somewhere along the way, she dropped her phone into her yard. Her large, leaf-covered yard. It took us upwards of 30 minutes finding it, as she had turned it on silent. Since I'm not allowed to get sick, they made me sit inside.
They dropped me off back at the house because they were going to go see Zack, who had been violently ill for the past few days. I felt a bit dejected at having to sit on the sidelines... I was about to go sit in the chair and brood to myself when Shelby, Steve, and Amy burst into the house. Shelby said, "We just didn't feel like leaving you!"
I was so touched. :)
The four of us sat in the living room a while, Steve watching me play video games while Shelby and Amy watched internet cartoons. Mama joined us for a few, which was also fun. Finally, the three decided to go out to eat around midnight, and I had decided I'd had enough fun for one night. I sat in the garage with Mama, and we talked and flew helicopters until past two.
Today, Mike, Mama, and Shelby are going to Columbus for the day. Shelby's going to the yearly family gathering, and Mama and Mike are going to have dinner and a movie. I'm going to stay behind and keep tabs on the house. I can't go anywhere because if I get sick, they'll cancel my surgery and I won't be able to have it done. So I'm being kept in quarantine until after Monday.
It makes me a little sad that I'll have to miss out on the festivities and spend my Christmas Eve alone, but I guess it's a sacrifice worth making.
On the 26th, Mama's going to take me out and we're going to buy me a new laptop. That's presently what I'm looking forward to.
So yeah. Yesterday was both awesome and crappy, and today just sounds like it's going to be an evening where I try to find something to pass the time, as everybody has places to go except me.
I hope everybody has a fun Christmas Eve.
Monday, December 22, 2008
Randomosity.
Let's see how long I've got until this medication makes me sleep. I'm already spacey...
It was a fun day of lazing around, which I drastically needed. I was on a roll in Mario Kart: Double Dash until I got distracted by drowsiness and ended up scoring second place.
Then when I went to get up off the floor, I injured my back in a bad way. I can't bend down without a sharp stab of pain rampaging through my body. So Mama gave me a pill, which is supposed to make me very loopy and finally cause me to pass out into a hard coma for a few hours. I hope it makes it easier for me to lay down... I tried to lay down, and my back was angry.
It was fun to watch Mama and Mike play with the remote-control vehicles we have. We have two trucks and two helicopters. I watched them play with the helicopters for a short bit. Obviously the controls are complicated.
...Damnit.
I was gonna say some more, but my brain has shut down, and the medication's taken hold.
Off to bed for Dani.
It was a fun day of lazing around, which I drastically needed. I was on a roll in Mario Kart: Double Dash until I got distracted by drowsiness and ended up scoring second place.
Then when I went to get up off the floor, I injured my back in a bad way. I can't bend down without a sharp stab of pain rampaging through my body. So Mama gave me a pill, which is supposed to make me very loopy and finally cause me to pass out into a hard coma for a few hours. I hope it makes it easier for me to lay down... I tried to lay down, and my back was angry.
It was fun to watch Mama and Mike play with the remote-control vehicles we have. We have two trucks and two helicopters. I watched them play with the helicopters for a short bit. Obviously the controls are complicated.
...Damnit.
I was gonna say some more, but my brain has shut down, and the medication's taken hold.
Off to bed for Dani.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Reeling.
So I'm recovering.
What a night.
The big meltdown I was worried about happened tonight. In front of the entire family.
Tensions were mounting and people were cranky, and the next thing I know, I'm crying. I walk off and try to regain myself... it took 5 minutes. After the initial eruption, I was being lectured for "behaving so childishly" when it started up again. So Mike took me off alone, me and him, to which he asked me what the deal was and helped me walk it off.
I've been walking around in a relatively numb stupor since, after having erupted with all the pent up stress, anger, and frustration that had been bottled up for three weeks. It was suddenly as if all the gauges in my brain surpassed "Excessive" and busted... if that makes any sense.
Fortunately I saw the signs of it early. I started getting angry about 8:00 this evening, began to feel my body tighten, and my stomach grew cold. I was so outrageously angry that I both kicked and threw the remote, then went outside and vented it out on the dartboard... a much more appropriate target.
After that, I felt something still brewing. I declined to go with Shelby... not only because I didn't want to go hang out with a group of sad buzzed people, but because I knew the explosion was coming. So I stayed alone for nearly two hours, brooding and watching and waiting. It was kinda agonizing.
Then finally the big collapse hit, and had its reign of terror.
Despite feeling numb and disconnected, I also feel a lot lighter and better. I hate it that it happened in front of my family, as I was trying so damn hard not to let anybody in on it. But they were good about it once it was out in the open why I was behaving the way I was.
I guess I oughta try to sleep and regain some strength.
Just know I might be off my game for a while tomorrow.
What a night.
The big meltdown I was worried about happened tonight. In front of the entire family.
Tensions were mounting and people were cranky, and the next thing I know, I'm crying. I walk off and try to regain myself... it took 5 minutes. After the initial eruption, I was being lectured for "behaving so childishly" when it started up again. So Mike took me off alone, me and him, to which he asked me what the deal was and helped me walk it off.
I've been walking around in a relatively numb stupor since, after having erupted with all the pent up stress, anger, and frustration that had been bottled up for three weeks. It was suddenly as if all the gauges in my brain surpassed "Excessive" and busted... if that makes any sense.
Fortunately I saw the signs of it early. I started getting angry about 8:00 this evening, began to feel my body tighten, and my stomach grew cold. I was so outrageously angry that I both kicked and threw the remote, then went outside and vented it out on the dartboard... a much more appropriate target.
After that, I felt something still brewing. I declined to go with Shelby... not only because I didn't want to go hang out with a group of sad buzzed people, but because I knew the explosion was coming. So I stayed alone for nearly two hours, brooding and watching and waiting. It was kinda agonizing.
Then finally the big collapse hit, and had its reign of terror.
Despite feeling numb and disconnected, I also feel a lot lighter and better. I hate it that it happened in front of my family, as I was trying so damn hard not to let anybody in on it. But they were good about it once it was out in the open why I was behaving the way I was.
I guess I oughta try to sleep and regain some strength.
Just know I might be off my game for a while tomorrow.
Friday, December 19, 2008
That Writing Feeling.
I guess it's a message...
But I'm really not sure.
Apologetically Angry
She plays the quietly wounded,
The one that has suffered
A hurt feeling or two
But swallows the bitterness
And tries her best to fake
Her own forgetting.
But an untreated wound
Causes so much unjust pain.
She grits her teeth
And moves along
Fearing a confrontation
That could possibly make
The situation worse.
She's the one who hides away
And explodes with emotion
Only when she's alone.
Who terrorizes the silent walls
With her crying curses and
Screaming swears.
She's the one that doesn't get it
When she tells her love
To leave her alone
Because she's been wounded,
And selfishly wonders if
He'd chase after her
When she rejected him.
And she knows it's just an episode,
A small bump in the road
That litter the trail
But for now she is sullen,
And apologetically angry.
But I'm really not sure.
She plays the quietly wounded,
The one that has suffered
A hurt feeling or two
But swallows the bitterness
And tries her best to fake
Her own forgetting.
But an untreated wound
Causes so much unjust pain.
She grits her teeth
And moves along
Fearing a confrontation
That could possibly make
The situation worse.
She's the one who hides away
And explodes with emotion
Only when she's alone.
Who terrorizes the silent walls
With her crying curses and
Screaming swears.
She's the one that doesn't get it
When she tells her love
To leave her alone
Because she's been wounded,
And selfishly wonders if
He'd chase after her
When she rejected him.
And she knows it's just an episode,
A small bump in the road
That litter the trail
But for now she is sullen,
And apologetically angry.
Deviousness.
I told myself I'd be in bed around 10:30 tonight. You see how well that one turned out.
Today was an up and down day of sorts. It was also a travel day.
My Public Speaking "final" was this morning. It taught me a valuable lesson: Don't go to a speech unprepared! I bombed it badly, but it's not like I was in danger of failing... it was more amusing than anything.
So that was it. The semester is over, and I'm officially a college sophomore. (Well, official when grades are posted Monday.) My first year of college is finished! Three more to go.
Drove to Newnan... it was a weird trip of listening to random classical music and dodging semis on a narrow stretch of highway without any shoulder to pull off onto. People were being extra stupid today, which was nerve-wracking.
Speaking of nerve-wracking... I've learned a friend of mine committed suicide. They say he did it on Tuesday sometime. My only questions are "What brought him to that point?" and "Why didn't we see the signs?" But I guess we'll never know.
I hate to sound insensitive about it, but I just don't feel like venting about it right now.
Shelby and I went out shopping together for the first time in ages. It was fun, and kick-started my plotting.
My plans did get put into effect tonight, hence the lateness of the hour. With any luck, I'll be able to sleep tonight and the next part of the plan will be ready in the morning when I get up.
Oh, what I'll do to be devious.
Today was an up and down day of sorts. It was also a travel day.
My Public Speaking "final" was this morning. It taught me a valuable lesson: Don't go to a speech unprepared! I bombed it badly, but it's not like I was in danger of failing... it was more amusing than anything.
So that was it. The semester is over, and I'm officially a college sophomore. (Well, official when grades are posted Monday.) My first year of college is finished! Three more to go.
Drove to Newnan... it was a weird trip of listening to random classical music and dodging semis on a narrow stretch of highway without any shoulder to pull off onto. People were being extra stupid today, which was nerve-wracking.
Speaking of nerve-wracking... I've learned a friend of mine committed suicide. They say he did it on Tuesday sometime. My only questions are "What brought him to that point?" and "Why didn't we see the signs?" But I guess we'll never know.
I hate to sound insensitive about it, but I just don't feel like venting about it right now.
Shelby and I went out shopping together for the first time in ages. It was fun, and kick-started my plotting.
My plans did get put into effect tonight, hence the lateness of the hour. With any luck, I'll be able to sleep tonight and the next part of the plan will be ready in the morning when I get up.
Oh, what I'll do to be devious.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
An Earlier Idea.
For my love... my eternal light.
Radiate
I used to live in a state of
Eternal winters
Cold and bleak.
Where day was full of
Clouds of grey and
Snow that fell
Heavy and relentless.
The night would get
Frigid and dark
And I'd be locked in my
Little internal room,
Praying for a better day.
My eyes used to be
Dull and lifeless
Viewing but not seeing,
The colors within them
Faded and long lost.
Like murky windows
That nobody could look through...
None cared to peer into them
And so they remained
Closed portals.
My heart was once a
Fragile crystal drum
That beat in awkward rhythms.
It was a fractured toy
Given to uncaring hands
That smudged its outsides
And hid the life within.
This little object finally
Broke, raining little shards
Of unkept promises
Onto an unforgiving floor.
And I was certain my life would
Never see anything but
Bleak futures.
Then one day
A messenger came
Not in the form of verbal arrival
But rather in a form of
Feeling.
The winters around me had
Started to melt,
And a warmth wrapped me up close.
Suddenly things had colors bright
And pulsed with energy strong
A feeling racing through my being
Informed me,
No more lonely winter days,
Spring has come.
My faded and long forgotten eyes
Came back to life again,
Squinting at first in such a light
That blinded me with strength
But shrouded me in comfort.
The colors grew strong,
And a newfound gleam had been born...
And I saw the look of somebody
Who cared to look back at me...
Somebody who looked within.
You picked up my heart from the floor
And cradled it gently in your hands,
Asked me if I needed help to fix it...
Even if you never offered aloud.
Instead you struggled relentlessly
Until every piece was back in place,
Then stared at the object in your hands
And declared with timid confidence,
"This object is beautifully fragile,
And needs a caring hand to hold it.
May I be that caring hand?"
There is no more winter cold.
There are no more forgotten glances.
My eyes are alight with a passion,
My heart brims with warmth and joy.
This body pulses with an energy that
Had long since been lost...
And recently re-found.
In the darkest hours of the night
Or bleakest of times that fall down...
In the coldest times of the year
When all the meadows fall barren...
I hold you close to me and
Never dare to stray,
For if I ever were to lose your light,
I may never find my way again.
You radiate into my life
Everything you are...
So radiate.
Radiate eternally.
And know that when you find your times
Drawing darkness upon your life...
I will be there to radiate for you.
I used to live in a state of
Eternal winters
Cold and bleak.
Where day was full of
Clouds of grey and
Snow that fell
Heavy and relentless.
The night would get
Frigid and dark
And I'd be locked in my
Little internal room,
Praying for a better day.
My eyes used to be
Dull and lifeless
Viewing but not seeing,
The colors within them
Faded and long lost.
Like murky windows
That nobody could look through...
None cared to peer into them
And so they remained
Closed portals.
My heart was once a
Fragile crystal drum
That beat in awkward rhythms.
It was a fractured toy
Given to uncaring hands
That smudged its outsides
And hid the life within.
This little object finally
Broke, raining little shards
Of unkept promises
Onto an unforgiving floor.
And I was certain my life would
Never see anything but
Bleak futures.
Then one day
A messenger came
Not in the form of verbal arrival
But rather in a form of
Feeling.
The winters around me had
Started to melt,
And a warmth wrapped me up close.
Suddenly things had colors bright
And pulsed with energy strong
A feeling racing through my being
Informed me,
No more lonely winter days,
Spring has come.
My faded and long forgotten eyes
Came back to life again,
Squinting at first in such a light
That blinded me with strength
But shrouded me in comfort.
The colors grew strong,
And a newfound gleam had been born...
And I saw the look of somebody
Who cared to look back at me...
Somebody who looked within.
You picked up my heart from the floor
And cradled it gently in your hands,
Asked me if I needed help to fix it...
Even if you never offered aloud.
Instead you struggled relentlessly
Until every piece was back in place,
Then stared at the object in your hands
And declared with timid confidence,
"This object is beautifully fragile,
And needs a caring hand to hold it.
May I be that caring hand?"
There is no more winter cold.
There are no more forgotten glances.
My eyes are alight with a passion,
My heart brims with warmth and joy.
This body pulses with an energy that
Had long since been lost...
And recently re-found.
In the darkest hours of the night
Or bleakest of times that fall down...
In the coldest times of the year
When all the meadows fall barren...
I hold you close to me and
Never dare to stray,
For if I ever were to lose your light,
I may never find my way again.
You radiate into my life
Everything you are...
So radiate.
Radiate eternally.
And know that when you find your times
Drawing darkness upon your life...
I will be there to radiate for you.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Awful.
I'm doing badly.
I overloaded the caffeine, and will have a hangover in the morning.
I was supposed to have done something tonight, and it slipped my mind completely. I can't stand it when I get distracted and forget things... makes me feel so bad...
I've had a rough evening.
I apologize for not doing what I was supposed to do.
I feel awful right now. I need to lay down.
I overloaded the caffeine, and will have a hangover in the morning.
I was supposed to have done something tonight, and it slipped my mind completely. I can't stand it when I get distracted and forget things... makes me feel so bad...
I've had a rough evening.
I apologize for not doing what I was supposed to do.
I feel awful right now. I need to lay down.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Let the Gauntlet Begin!
Tomorrow begins the dreaded week of finals.
Last night in my sleep, a dream came to me that set me at peace with myself. It's so random, but yeah. I'm going into my finals knowing that I'll do what I can, and can't do any more.
I'm a bit woozy, though, which will make typing my Microeconomics stuff a little complicated. I'm still gonna go for it, though, and see what happens.
So yeah.
I'm headed off to do this typing, and see if maybe I could coax Daddy into making dinner when he gets home. (Very unlikely, but always worth a shot!)
Last night in my sleep, a dream came to me that set me at peace with myself. It's so random, but yeah. I'm going into my finals knowing that I'll do what I can, and can't do any more.
I'm a bit woozy, though, which will make typing my Microeconomics stuff a little complicated. I'm still gonna go for it, though, and see what happens.
So yeah.
I'm headed off to do this typing, and see if maybe I could coax Daddy into making dinner when he gets home. (Very unlikely, but always worth a shot!)
Saturday, December 13, 2008
What am I Doing?
I'm in the middle of one of the hardest mental crises I've had in quite some time.
I'm having a very strange episode of mental distress. I'm almost certain that it's another episode of my horrid pseudo-psychosis. The last time I had one of those was well over a year ago, and it nearly cost me my family.
And now I'm having another, and it's nearly costing me my heart and love.
All the signs are there:
-Erratic sleeping habits. I'm forgetting to wake up sometimes, while waking up extremely early others. (The number __:20 is significant, and I don't know why.) I'm also starting to try to sleepwalk.
-Random panic episodes, of varying levels of aggression. Some are short and mild, others last a while and are very nasty. And they're happening multiple times a day, not just every once in a while.
-Extreme mood change, which is the one that seems to be costing me my relationship. It's like being in a permanent state of depressed disconnection, where I can't think of a thing to say and spend more time staring out into nowhere. It's also made me far too sensitive, and if I even think I'm being scolded, I want to curl into a ball and die.
-Finally, the scariest one of all: Voices chattering at me, being nasty to me. They started on me last night, muttering voices that seemed to laugh at my fear of them. They'd get louder and louder in my ears until I'd hide under my blanket and pillows, then they'd go away for a few minutes, then come back.
I've got so much stress on me that it's literally tearing me into pieces. I have to make a decision on this surgery before Wednesday.
If I say yes, I can't go back and change my mind.
If I say no, I'll probably never have another chance to have it done.
I want to do it. I feel it in my mind that it'd be so good for me. But then I hear about all the stuff that is involved. Being hooked up to oxygen, monitors, and other devices. Being stuck with needles every 6 hours for two days. Having drains sticking out of either side of me, where I could clearly see my blood leaking out of me... for a week.
The concept of willingly walking into there with my fear as strong as it is... it's daunting. And I'm really not sure I can do it.
But if I back out because of my fear, not only will I lose out on the chance of a lifetime, my family gets proven right. They seem so convinced that I'm going to let my fear win, and that I'm going to back out. It's as if they don't think I can do it.
I need support. Lots of it. I don't need doubters and I don't need to be told I'm wrong for doing this. Everytime I hear an expressed doubt, or hear that I'm wrong, I become more convinced that they're right.
This was the first big decision I've ever made on my own, and now people are showing doubt and being negative. And not only does it depress me, it also makes me angry.
So what am I doing about it?
Hiding. Holing up and hiding. And accidentally convincing my love that I'm distancing myself from him.
Why would I do that to him? He cares so much about me and would want to know that I'm floundering. He'd be so mad if I let myself drown just for the sake of keeping him out of it. And I know it.
Then why do I do it?
I'm being so unfair to him, and it's making me angry at myself.
So I'm at war. My urge to cry and lay it all out on the line is squashed by my desire to keep him safe from my emotional outbursts. And I know it's not fair...
Oh God.
I just don't know what to do...
I'm having a very strange episode of mental distress. I'm almost certain that it's another episode of my horrid pseudo-psychosis. The last time I had one of those was well over a year ago, and it nearly cost me my family.
And now I'm having another, and it's nearly costing me my heart and love.
All the signs are there:
-Erratic sleeping habits. I'm forgetting to wake up sometimes, while waking up extremely early others. (The number __:20 is significant, and I don't know why.) I'm also starting to try to sleepwalk.
-Random panic episodes, of varying levels of aggression. Some are short and mild, others last a while and are very nasty. And they're happening multiple times a day, not just every once in a while.
-Extreme mood change, which is the one that seems to be costing me my relationship. It's like being in a permanent state of depressed disconnection, where I can't think of a thing to say and spend more time staring out into nowhere. It's also made me far too sensitive, and if I even think I'm being scolded, I want to curl into a ball and die.
-Finally, the scariest one of all: Voices chattering at me, being nasty to me. They started on me last night, muttering voices that seemed to laugh at my fear of them. They'd get louder and louder in my ears until I'd hide under my blanket and pillows, then they'd go away for a few minutes, then come back.
I've got so much stress on me that it's literally tearing me into pieces. I have to make a decision on this surgery before Wednesday.
If I say yes, I can't go back and change my mind.
If I say no, I'll probably never have another chance to have it done.
I want to do it. I feel it in my mind that it'd be so good for me. But then I hear about all the stuff that is involved. Being hooked up to oxygen, monitors, and other devices. Being stuck with needles every 6 hours for two days. Having drains sticking out of either side of me, where I could clearly see my blood leaking out of me... for a week.
The concept of willingly walking into there with my fear as strong as it is... it's daunting. And I'm really not sure I can do it.
But if I back out because of my fear, not only will I lose out on the chance of a lifetime, my family gets proven right. They seem so convinced that I'm going to let my fear win, and that I'm going to back out. It's as if they don't think I can do it.
I need support. Lots of it. I don't need doubters and I don't need to be told I'm wrong for doing this. Everytime I hear an expressed doubt, or hear that I'm wrong, I become more convinced that they're right.
This was the first big decision I've ever made on my own, and now people are showing doubt and being negative. And not only does it depress me, it also makes me angry.
So what am I doing about it?
Hiding. Holing up and hiding. And accidentally convincing my love that I'm distancing myself from him.
Why would I do that to him? He cares so much about me and would want to know that I'm floundering. He'd be so mad if I let myself drown just for the sake of keeping him out of it. And I know it.
Then why do I do it?
I'm being so unfair to him, and it's making me angry at myself.
So I'm at war. My urge to cry and lay it all out on the line is squashed by my desire to keep him safe from my emotional outbursts. And I know it's not fair...
Oh God.
I just don't know what to do...
Fighting Pessimism; Losing Optimism.
I'm feeling so disenchanted.
So very disenchanted.
I know there's better days ahead.
Why can't I trade one of those better days with today?
So today could be better.
So I could be better equipped to handle this feeling.
I slept.
But I didn't rest.
Woke up every hour, twenty minutes after the hour.
Felt my body ache all over.
Knew I wasn't hurt.
Some things just feel stronger than others.
I'm losing my optimism, slowly.
And losing the fight against pessimism.
I can't make myself cry.
I think I've plunged beyond that point.
The feeling is there.
The will is not.
Why can't I sleep for 16 hours like I used to?
I almost miss it.
So very disenchanted.
I know there's better days ahead.
Why can't I trade one of those better days with today?
So today could be better.
So I could be better equipped to handle this feeling.
I slept.
But I didn't rest.
Woke up every hour, twenty minutes after the hour.
Felt my body ache all over.
Knew I wasn't hurt.
Some things just feel stronger than others.
I'm losing my optimism, slowly.
And losing the fight against pessimism.
I can't make myself cry.
I think I've plunged beyond that point.
The feeling is there.
The will is not.
Why can't I sleep for 16 hours like I used to?
I almost miss it.
Friday, December 12, 2008
No Subject.
Today was the most bipolar day I've ever had.
I wish I had the stamina to detail it.
But I don't.
Sometimes I want to put myself out of my body, and watch my life.
Watch myself interact with the world.
And fall flat upon my face in doing so.
I used to want to be a psychologist.
I used to want to help people.
That was before I found out I can't help people.
And so I get angry at myself everytime I fail.
Sometimes wish I'd forget that silly dream.
That ridiculous idea that I could possibly help somebody.
Ha.
I'm laughing.
But it's just to prevent the screaming.
Couldn't scream anyway.
My voice has run away.
Forget waiting until 9.
I give up.
I'm going to lay in bed.
And look for an answer in the wall.
And scold myself to sleep.
Don't want to cry myself out again.
Maybe one day I'll be good at something.
But that, too, is probably just a dream.
I wish I had the stamina to detail it.
But I don't.
Sometimes I want to put myself out of my body, and watch my life.
Watch myself interact with the world.
And fall flat upon my face in doing so.
I used to want to be a psychologist.
I used to want to help people.
That was before I found out I can't help people.
And so I get angry at myself everytime I fail.
Sometimes wish I'd forget that silly dream.
That ridiculous idea that I could possibly help somebody.
Ha.
I'm laughing.
But it's just to prevent the screaming.
Couldn't scream anyway.
My voice has run away.
Forget waiting until 9.
I give up.
I'm going to lay in bed.
And look for an answer in the wall.
And scold myself to sleep.
Don't want to cry myself out again.
Maybe one day I'll be good at something.
But that, too, is probably just a dream.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
A Second.
After Memorflection, I found I was still in a mood. So I'm gonna proceed with another...
Highly sentimental.
When They Just Know
When something gets on his mind
And before he has the chance
To let it wreak its havoc,
There she is to make it okay.
When she just can't shake off
An awful image in a dream
That threatens to torment relentless,
There he is to chase it away.
When he feels uncertain and
A barrier stands directly in the way
Promising to keep him from moving,
There she is to help him cross it.
When she's undergoing trouble
That continues to weigh her down,
Just before she's about to drown
There he is to pull her to the surface.
When everything seems to be going wrong
And falling apart right at the seams
The ground crumbling rapidly with
No net below to ensure a safe landing...
When everybody seems to turn their back
And enemies are more numerous than friends
Nobody cares to think about another's feelings
And instead shrug it off as beyond their concern...
When the demons of fear come out from the dark
And tease and torture in the night...
Gathering in numbers by the cover of unlit sky
Laughing and taunting with vile, malevolent grins...
When everything's fallen into utter chaos...
There they are,
A pair that radiates a golden light
That surrounds them in
An eternal warmth
That could never be taken away.
There they are,
A pair that braces in times of despair
Holding on tight to one another
Refusing to let go
Never willing to give in.
There they are,
A pair that has their moments
Temporarily warring with one another
But always declaring a truce
And returning to peace,
Knowing there's always better days...
There they are,
A pair that finds joy in nothingness
Making their own amusements
Out of simply being in joined company
Shattering through the darkness
And destroying any barriers.
There they are,
A pair who doesn't have to say a word
To get their feelings across
Because they can feel it down deep
In a special connection that
Only they can share.
They have achieved the truest love
When words are spoken with the eyes
When emotions are felt with both hearts
When thoughts have become almost telepathic...
It cannot be described,
The amazing connection they share
It's impossible to ask them to explain,
When simply...
They just know.
Highly sentimental.
When something gets on his mind
And before he has the chance
To let it wreak its havoc,
There she is to make it okay.
When she just can't shake off
An awful image in a dream
That threatens to torment relentless,
There he is to chase it away.
When he feels uncertain and
A barrier stands directly in the way
Promising to keep him from moving,
There she is to help him cross it.
When she's undergoing trouble
That continues to weigh her down,
Just before she's about to drown
There he is to pull her to the surface.
When everything seems to be going wrong
And falling apart right at the seams
The ground crumbling rapidly with
No net below to ensure a safe landing...
When everybody seems to turn their back
And enemies are more numerous than friends
Nobody cares to think about another's feelings
And instead shrug it off as beyond their concern...
When the demons of fear come out from the dark
And tease and torture in the night...
Gathering in numbers by the cover of unlit sky
Laughing and taunting with vile, malevolent grins...
When everything's fallen into utter chaos...
There they are,
A pair that radiates a golden light
That surrounds them in
An eternal warmth
That could never be taken away.
There they are,
A pair that braces in times of despair
Holding on tight to one another
Refusing to let go
Never willing to give in.
There they are,
A pair that has their moments
Temporarily warring with one another
But always declaring a truce
And returning to peace,
Knowing there's always better days...
There they are,
A pair that finds joy in nothingness
Making their own amusements
Out of simply being in joined company
Shattering through the darkness
And destroying any barriers.
There they are,
A pair who doesn't have to say a word
To get their feelings across
Because they can feel it down deep
In a special connection that
Only they can share.
They have achieved the truest love
When words are spoken with the eyes
When emotions are felt with both hearts
When thoughts have become almost telepathic...
It cannot be described,
The amazing connection they share
It's impossible to ask them to explain,
When simply...
They just know.
Inspiration Strikes.
Inspiration struck, and struck hard.
Yes, the title is a made-up word.
Also, if you read every other line, you might be surprised.
Memorflection
The span of time
Devoted to memory
Drastically slashed as
Years go by
A pause for reflection...
Near extinct thing.
So take a good moment
And let it
Return in full.
Bring you back.
Manipulate the clock
Turn it back
And ignore its bind.
Fly through infinite space
Until you're back again
To that time you lost...
See it return.
Feel it again and know.
Before the pain occurred,
And skies turned grey,
Before the tears erupted
And rained down on the earth
In streams of agony's reign.
Thunderous roars of rage --
The cause of anger you don't
Recall; it flashed like lightning.
Remember. It fades with time.
The happy days of long ago
They'll never go away.
Bring memories to the present.
Never let them go.
Reflect on memories.
Memorflect.
Yes, the title is a made-up word.
Also, if you read every other line, you might be surprised.
The span of time
Devoted to memory
Drastically slashed as
Years go by
A pause for reflection...
Near extinct thing.
So take a good moment
And let it
Return in full.
Bring you back.
Manipulate the clock
Turn it back
And ignore its bind.
Fly through infinite space
Until you're back again
To that time you lost...
See it return.
Feel it again and know.
Before the pain occurred,
And skies turned grey,
Before the tears erupted
And rained down on the earth
In streams of agony's reign.
Thunderous roars of rage --
The cause of anger you don't
Recall; it flashed like lightning.
Remember. It fades with time.
The happy days of long ago
They'll never go away.
Bring memories to the present.
Never let them go.
Reflect on memories.
Memorflect.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Vent Entry.
Happy birthday, Nanny Vera. Though you were tragically taken away from us four years ago, today is a celebration of your life and who you were. I love you. ♥
This is more or less one of those entries I put up when I've let too much stuff get on my mind and I need to get some of it out. So here you go.
Study Schedule: (very rough outline)
Thursday:
-Finish 110 problems for Friday math exam
-Research and answer Geology quiz 7
Friday:
-Attend Microeconomics study session, 8:00 AM
-Math exam, 9:00 AM
-Research and answer Geology quiz 8 and 9
-Do 92 math study guide problems
-Research first third of Microeconomics content
Saturday:
-Research second third of Microeconomics content
-Do 92 math study guide problems
-Research and answer Geology quiz 10
Sunday: Primary focus, Microeconomics
-Research final third of Microeconomics content (organize material)
-Do 92 math study guide problems
-Research and answer Geology quiz 11
Monday: Primary focus, Geology
-Microeconomics final, 8:00 AM
-Research and answer Geology quiz 12
-Do 92 math study guide problems
Tuesday: Primary focus, Math
-Geology final, 10:30 AM
-Do last 92 math study guide problems
Wednesday:
-Math final, 8:00 AM
Atop this, Thursday (tomorrow) has me glued to my phone, and out and about. I figure I'll slack off on Thursday, as well as Saturday, and make up for the losses on Friday and Sunday. Looking at it, I almost wonder if I'm gonna work myself to death...
Presently, I'm sitting on two As (Microeconomics and Math) and two Cs (Public Speaking and Geology). As it stands, I'm going to pass all my classes without any issue. The C in Public Speaking will go up to a B when I make up the speech I missed at the beginning of the term. Geology, unfortunately, cannot be salvaged, and will, at best, be a mid-C. If I wanted, I could skate by and be fine.
But lately things have tossed me into a strange "crisis mode" in which I'm throwing myself into my work, and throwing myself into it hard. I've not had a decent night's sleep in well over a week, and don't anticipate on sleeping well until class lets out next week. In order to distract myself from things going on around me, I'm turning myself into a workaholic. I've never done this before, and am both fascinated and frightened by the behavior.
I finally know all the details of my procedure, but I'm far too distracted to writing them out now. They'll show up sometime next week, after I've had [even] more time to mull it over. The more I think about it, the more I'm slowly convincing myself that I'll be able to deal with it.
The weather today disappointed. A nasty weather system that was dumping tornadoes and hail from Texas to Alabama fizzled out as it arrived in Columbus, meaning we got a crapton of rain and four rumbles of thunder. We need the rain, I guess, but I was definitely looking forward to some excitement. The sky was an odd orangish-green this morning, which had me both excited and edgey. Orangish-green skies are typical "tornado weather" signs. The air, when I went outside this morning, was eerily still, another sign of ugly weather. But then it dissipated, and yeah.
I hate it that I'm going to have to study straight through my last two weeks in Columbus. I mean, yeah, I'm coming back in January, but I wanted desperately to get some artwork into the computer and Photoshopped. I've drawn a net total of three sketches (and written very little) from August to now, none of which made it to the computer. I tried to make time for drawing, but I never could find any. Maybe once I get out for the term I can get my creative side out of the corner. It's been severely neglected this semester, and has crawled into a dark corner and gathered dust. Although I can't say I'll have much time to be creative over the holidays, either, as I'll spend a lot of it on the road... and by the time all the traveling's done, it'll be time to start the spring term.
With any luck, on Friday the 19th, I'm doing nothing. With any luck, I'll stay in bed most of the day, sleep long and hard, and stare blankly at things just for the hell of it. With any luck, the 19th will be my one-day-vacation.
I'd say I refuse to do anything on the 19th, but knowing me and knowing my life, it won't happen.
I need to teach myself to do deeper, more restorative trances. The ones I take in the day are no longer refreshing me.
Now that my head and body feel significantly lighter, I'm going to call it a night. Hopefully, when I lay down, I'll actually sleep... not just lay there with my eyes closed until 5:50.
This is more or less one of those entries I put up when I've let too much stuff get on my mind and I need to get some of it out. So here you go.
Study Schedule: (very rough outline)
Thursday:
-Finish 110 problems for Friday math exam
-Research and answer Geology quiz 7
Friday:
-Attend Microeconomics study session, 8:00 AM
-Math exam, 9:00 AM
-Research and answer Geology quiz 8 and 9
-Do 92 math study guide problems
-Research first third of Microeconomics content
Saturday:
-Research second third of Microeconomics content
-Do 92 math study guide problems
-Research and answer Geology quiz 10
Sunday: Primary focus, Microeconomics
-Research final third of Microeconomics content (organize material)
-Do 92 math study guide problems
-Research and answer Geology quiz 11
Monday: Primary focus, Geology
-Microeconomics final, 8:00 AM
-Research and answer Geology quiz 12
-Do 92 math study guide problems
Tuesday: Primary focus, Math
-Geology final, 10:30 AM
-Do last 92 math study guide problems
Wednesday:
-Math final, 8:00 AM
Atop this, Thursday (tomorrow) has me glued to my phone, and out and about. I figure I'll slack off on Thursday, as well as Saturday, and make up for the losses on Friday and Sunday. Looking at it, I almost wonder if I'm gonna work myself to death...
Presently, I'm sitting on two As (Microeconomics and Math) and two Cs (Public Speaking and Geology). As it stands, I'm going to pass all my classes without any issue. The C in Public Speaking will go up to a B when I make up the speech I missed at the beginning of the term. Geology, unfortunately, cannot be salvaged, and will, at best, be a mid-C. If I wanted, I could skate by and be fine.
But lately things have tossed me into a strange "crisis mode" in which I'm throwing myself into my work, and throwing myself into it hard. I've not had a decent night's sleep in well over a week, and don't anticipate on sleeping well until class lets out next week. In order to distract myself from things going on around me, I'm turning myself into a workaholic. I've never done this before, and am both fascinated and frightened by the behavior.
I finally know all the details of my procedure, but I'm far too distracted to writing them out now. They'll show up sometime next week, after I've had [even] more time to mull it over. The more I think about it, the more I'm slowly convincing myself that I'll be able to deal with it.
The weather today disappointed. A nasty weather system that was dumping tornadoes and hail from Texas to Alabama fizzled out as it arrived in Columbus, meaning we got a crapton of rain and four rumbles of thunder. We need the rain, I guess, but I was definitely looking forward to some excitement. The sky was an odd orangish-green this morning, which had me both excited and edgey. Orangish-green skies are typical "tornado weather" signs. The air, when I went outside this morning, was eerily still, another sign of ugly weather. But then it dissipated, and yeah.
I hate it that I'm going to have to study straight through my last two weeks in Columbus. I mean, yeah, I'm coming back in January, but I wanted desperately to get some artwork into the computer and Photoshopped. I've drawn a net total of three sketches (and written very little) from August to now, none of which made it to the computer. I tried to make time for drawing, but I never could find any. Maybe once I get out for the term I can get my creative side out of the corner. It's been severely neglected this semester, and has crawled into a dark corner and gathered dust. Although I can't say I'll have much time to be creative over the holidays, either, as I'll spend a lot of it on the road... and by the time all the traveling's done, it'll be time to start the spring term.
With any luck, on Friday the 19th, I'm doing nothing. With any luck, I'll stay in bed most of the day, sleep long and hard, and stare blankly at things just for the hell of it. With any luck, the 19th will be my one-day-vacation.
I'd say I refuse to do anything on the 19th, but knowing me and knowing my life, it won't happen.
I need to teach myself to do deeper, more restorative trances. The ones I take in the day are no longer refreshing me.
Now that my head and body feel significantly lighter, I'm going to call it a night. Hopefully, when I lay down, I'll actually sleep... not just lay there with my eyes closed until 5:50.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Acid Trip or Accidental Travel?
So I spent an evening alone. After nearly four hours of being left to my own devices, I'd run out of things to do. I'd replaced all the trash bags, washed the dishes (three times), and counted up how many math problems await me in preparation for my final (882). I'd made something to eat and realized how depressing eating a makeshift dinner can be when you're alone.
I realized my legs were aching badly, so I grabbed some painkillers from the cabinet. I read first, and it said you could take two on your first hour rather than one. So I took two at the same time and laid down, plugging into my music.
Overhead, the ceiling fan was spinning slowly. My eyes got caught up watching it, and before I knew it, I had put myself in trance. This in itself is no big thing, as I put myself in trance quite a bit. My eyes kept following the ceiling fan blades in its repeating circles, and I became completely attached. My legs, which were draped over the armrest of the couch, began to levitate of their own accord until I was finally laying absolutely flat. I stopped blinking, and I felt my pulse gradually slowing. Every one of my vitals started dropping, yet I didn't feel alarmed.
Suddenly, I realized my eyes were open, but I saw nothing. It was as if being blind, yet I still felt no need for concern. Then my body began quivering, violently, as if I were cold. I could feel the heat of my body practically flowing out of me, and my body tightened. Then the blackness around me started turning grey... dark at first, but slowly lightening. I realized that my vision had me believing I was elevating. I couldn't feel the couch beneath my back, but I knew I was grounded... people can't hover. My shoulders and back, however, starting raising off the cushion, and I felt a weird heat on my face.
The grey suddenly turned to white, and I felt myself "pass" through a gate. Like passing through a portal into another realm. My legs lowered to drape across the couch again, and my body went completely limp.
I was still elevating, though, the world around me pulsing in time with a heartbeat that I thought had to be mine. The grey came back, but was more of a fog than a blanket. All the heat in my body seemed to be gone, and I eventually lost track of my fingers and toes. I couldn't tell if I were moving them or not. I almost felt like I had literally shriveled up.
Then the grey turned to colors. Rapid flickers of colors that still pulsed with that peculiar rhythm... but the speed began increasing. I felt myself spiraling upward wildly, and the colors eventually became this blur effect. By now I realized my pulse was so low that I couldn't feel it, and that I was breathing once every full minute. But I still didn't feel a reason to be concerned...
The colors then turned white, and I'd "passed" through another gate. After a moment I started moving again, but horizontally. I was shrouded in a bluish grey haze as I slowly started traveling outward. Where? I have no idea. I just kept venturing. Slowly, then with increased speed.
Finally, something beckoned me. "You're going too far. Come back," it seemed to say. I started to fall. I fell through both "gates" and woke up, all my vitals slowly regaining pace and the heat in my body trying to return. I looked at a clock, and realized that my little trip took about 40 minutes.
Did I possibly accidentally overdose on this medication, and what I experienced was just a really wild acid trip?
Did I actually leave my body behind and have an unexpected trip through some sort of extrasensory realm?
I have no idea what I did or where I went during those 40 minutes. What started as a trance to encourage a nap has become something that... actually... I don't know what it was. I think I should be alarmed, because of how low my vitals dropped, but I don't feel like I should be worried.
I hope Daddy gets home from work soon. I don't really want to go to bed until he's home.
I realized my legs were aching badly, so I grabbed some painkillers from the cabinet. I read first, and it said you could take two on your first hour rather than one. So I took two at the same time and laid down, plugging into my music.
Overhead, the ceiling fan was spinning slowly. My eyes got caught up watching it, and before I knew it, I had put myself in trance. This in itself is no big thing, as I put myself in trance quite a bit. My eyes kept following the ceiling fan blades in its repeating circles, and I became completely attached. My legs, which were draped over the armrest of the couch, began to levitate of their own accord until I was finally laying absolutely flat. I stopped blinking, and I felt my pulse gradually slowing. Every one of my vitals started dropping, yet I didn't feel alarmed.
Suddenly, I realized my eyes were open, but I saw nothing. It was as if being blind, yet I still felt no need for concern. Then my body began quivering, violently, as if I were cold. I could feel the heat of my body practically flowing out of me, and my body tightened. Then the blackness around me started turning grey... dark at first, but slowly lightening. I realized that my vision had me believing I was elevating. I couldn't feel the couch beneath my back, but I knew I was grounded... people can't hover. My shoulders and back, however, starting raising off the cushion, and I felt a weird heat on my face.
The grey suddenly turned to white, and I felt myself "pass" through a gate. Like passing through a portal into another realm. My legs lowered to drape across the couch again, and my body went completely limp.
I was still elevating, though, the world around me pulsing in time with a heartbeat that I thought had to be mine. The grey came back, but was more of a fog than a blanket. All the heat in my body seemed to be gone, and I eventually lost track of my fingers and toes. I couldn't tell if I were moving them or not. I almost felt like I had literally shriveled up.
Then the grey turned to colors. Rapid flickers of colors that still pulsed with that peculiar rhythm... but the speed began increasing. I felt myself spiraling upward wildly, and the colors eventually became this blur effect. By now I realized my pulse was so low that I couldn't feel it, and that I was breathing once every full minute. But I still didn't feel a reason to be concerned...
The colors then turned white, and I'd "passed" through another gate. After a moment I started moving again, but horizontally. I was shrouded in a bluish grey haze as I slowly started traveling outward. Where? I have no idea. I just kept venturing. Slowly, then with increased speed.
Finally, something beckoned me. "You're going too far. Come back," it seemed to say. I started to fall. I fell through both "gates" and woke up, all my vitals slowly regaining pace and the heat in my body trying to return. I looked at a clock, and realized that my little trip took about 40 minutes.
Did I possibly accidentally overdose on this medication, and what I experienced was just a really wild acid trip?
Did I actually leave my body behind and have an unexpected trip through some sort of extrasensory realm?
I have no idea what I did or where I went during those 40 minutes. What started as a trance to encourage a nap has become something that... actually... I don't know what it was. I think I should be alarmed, because of how low my vitals dropped, but I don't feel like I should be worried.
I hope Daddy gets home from work soon. I don't really want to go to bed until he's home.
Let the Games Begin.
Yay, another Monday. The funny thing is, Monday's not my most-hated day. It's a tie between Tuesday and Thursday, as that's when I'm in class the longest suffering through a class I find useless and a crypt course. After January 12, Wednesday will be my most-hated day, as I'll be in school from 8:00 AM to 3:20 PM... just like the good old high school days. Neh!
(Don't worry, Thursday, after January 12, you'll be my favorite day of the week, with your single class at 11:00 AM. I'll be at school for just an hour, AND I'll get to sleep in if I choose! Huzzah!)
The schedule for next semester will go up here sometime next week, unless I get bored and go on and put it here... or unless anybody gets curious.
So last night I didn't have my yearly nightmare. (That, or I did and have repressed it.) Instead it was one of those nights where I slept in hourlong "naps," then woke up for 30 minutes and looked around, paranoid. And since I didn't lay down until 11:30, and I wake up at 5:50... yeah. I had that dreaded paranoia set in, and I was convinced that somebody was going to come up behind me and shove a knife in my spine. I don't know why, but that's the "feeling" I get everytime I have bedtime paranoia... that somebody's just going to creep up behind me and stab me. They couldn't get in me in the front because I lay on my side with my chest facing the wall, but yeah. Why I have that particular feeling? Who knows. I'm a nutcase.
I did have a dream, though, but it was kinda weird. Mama and Daddy were actually staying in the same house, but Shelby wasn't there. Anyway, I was walking around waiting for class to start when I came across Daddy scrubbing the bathtub. (This let me know this was a dream; Daddy leaves the bathroom cleaning up to me.) I asked him what he was doing, and he looked at me and started coughing, saying, "This stuff on the floor wouldn't come out, so I'm going to scrub it with a chemical mix."
Random.
So anyway, the dream progressed with me driving to campus and wandering into the Center for Commerce and Technology (CCT) building, coming across my boyfriend sitting in the downstairs lobby. I blinked, wondering if I was seeing things, and he just smiled at me and asked, "What kept you? You're late."
I wandered over and decided to ignore my surprise at the whole thing, and we started talking about random things until the dream faded away and my alarm clock woke me up.
And yes, I woke up snuggled up to a pillow, much like I was snuggled up in the dream. Pillows aren't the same...
So I'll be wandering around the CCT building this morning on my guard, as I'm starting to think my dream is telling me I'm in for a few surprises today. But that's just a general concept. I'll probably take some time this morning after Microeconomics to mull it over deeper, as it's a voluntary-attendance review day this morning and I could go hide in the Howard building lounge until 9:00 if I want.
I hope it'll be a good day. I just know that at 10:28 this morning, I'll either cry, pray, or have a minute of silence. I try to remember to pray on these anniversaries, to talk to the person I miss and remind them that I still remember.
Just makes me wonder if I'm the only one who does it, though.
(Don't worry, Thursday, after January 12, you'll be my favorite day of the week, with your single class at 11:00 AM. I'll be at school for just an hour, AND I'll get to sleep in if I choose! Huzzah!)
The schedule for next semester will go up here sometime next week, unless I get bored and go on and put it here... or unless anybody gets curious.
So last night I didn't have my yearly nightmare. (That, or I did and have repressed it.) Instead it was one of those nights where I slept in hourlong "naps," then woke up for 30 minutes and looked around, paranoid. And since I didn't lay down until 11:30, and I wake up at 5:50... yeah. I had that dreaded paranoia set in, and I was convinced that somebody was going to come up behind me and shove a knife in my spine. I don't know why, but that's the "feeling" I get everytime I have bedtime paranoia... that somebody's just going to creep up behind me and stab me. They couldn't get in me in the front because I lay on my side with my chest facing the wall, but yeah. Why I have that particular feeling? Who knows. I'm a nutcase.
I did have a dream, though, but it was kinda weird. Mama and Daddy were actually staying in the same house, but Shelby wasn't there. Anyway, I was walking around waiting for class to start when I came across Daddy scrubbing the bathtub. (This let me know this was a dream; Daddy leaves the bathroom cleaning up to me.) I asked him what he was doing, and he looked at me and started coughing, saying, "This stuff on the floor wouldn't come out, so I'm going to scrub it with a chemical mix."
Random.
So anyway, the dream progressed with me driving to campus and wandering into the Center for Commerce and Technology (CCT) building, coming across my boyfriend sitting in the downstairs lobby. I blinked, wondering if I was seeing things, and he just smiled at me and asked, "What kept you? You're late."
I wandered over and decided to ignore my surprise at the whole thing, and we started talking about random things until the dream faded away and my alarm clock woke me up.
And yes, I woke up snuggled up to a pillow, much like I was snuggled up in the dream. Pillows aren't the same...
So I'll be wandering around the CCT building this morning on my guard, as I'm starting to think my dream is telling me I'm in for a few surprises today. But that's just a general concept. I'll probably take some time this morning after Microeconomics to mull it over deeper, as it's a voluntary-attendance review day this morning and I could go hide in the Howard building lounge until 9:00 if I want.
I hope it'll be a good day. I just know that at 10:28 this morning, I'll either cry, pray, or have a minute of silence. I try to remember to pray on these anniversaries, to talk to the person I miss and remind them that I still remember.
Just makes me wonder if I'm the only one who does it, though.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Mental Distress and Out of Body Experiences?
So this upcoming week puts more stress on my plate. The more the month goes on, the worse the stress seems to get... which means that the pressure I'm feeling now is just the start.
For whatever reason, my stress has triggered me to stop intaking caffeine, which most people know is my life-blood. If I don't have it, I can't function. When I get stressed, I get off the stuff, then trigger horrid headaches that easily blow past my one to ten scale... why I do this, I'll never understand. My body behaves funky in stressful situations.
I'm learning more news about what'll happen on my surgery. I'll eventually make a big post detailing everything that goes into it, so I can read it a few times and do some serious thinking. My medi-bracelet came in today, and it was a $65 purchase... I figure that if that money's gone, I should continue on. But I'm drowsy and it's a big vent for another entry.
Both of my sisters are doing just fine after their respective surgeries. Shelby is still rather weak and sore, but hopefully will be recovering within the next few days. This is the stuff I intend to put myself through, so I'm paying extra close attention to what she has to go through. But like I said... vent for another entry.
Tomorrow starts my last official week of classes before Finals Week. (Yes, I title it with capitals because it's an event all in itself.) Sometime tomorrow I need to post my study schedule for the week and weekend. But if I survive this week and Finals Week, then I'll be able to take some time off from studying until January 12. Just won't be able to take time off from the rest of life.
Speaking of tomorrow... I apologize in advance if I'm distant, disconnected, depressed, or otherwise distracted. (Yay symptom alliteration!) Tomorrow marks the four-year anniversary of my great-aunt's murder, and anybody who knows me knows that I do a lot of brooding and reflecting when the anniversary of somebody's death is upon me. I'm hoping to God I don't have my yearly night terror in which I try to wake up from the recalling and can't. I've done it every year since her death, and still never seem prepared for it. Then again, nobody's ever prepared for death. Especially one so tragic.
I think my recent mental distress caused me to attempt to unwillingly have an out-of-body-episode, or OOBE. I had about an hour to myself in which I was talking to no one nor had anybody to get my attention, and my body began to feel very heavy. A strange force kept "commanding" me to lean back and roll my eyes into my head. It was a bit unnerving, but I eventually ran out of energy to resist and did so. I zoned out staring at the ceiling until my eyes went back, and after a while I could actually feel myself "lifting" out of my body. I looked down at myself and saw myself going pale, so I quickly "hopped" back into my body and startled myself awake.
I've done this maybe twice before, and I normally get scared and "jump" back into my body before I get very far. Most people who have these things can do them willingly and let themselves wander far, but there's a story that if you go too far, you'll cut the "silver cord" and be trapped as a wandering spirit. The silver cord, in essence, is your life force, and connects from your body to your spirit if you ever leave your body. As I don't ever leave my body completely, I've never seen the silver cord. But I'm not going to tempt fate, either.
Meh. Perhaps I'm rambling because it's late and I'm a drowsy mess. But I know I tried to leave my body this evening... I'm probably looking to dodge reality by roaming wild for a while, because God knows I've got enough on my plate.
I just hope everything turns out for the best this week.
And really, really hope I don't have my yearly nightmare.
For whatever reason, my stress has triggered me to stop intaking caffeine, which most people know is my life-blood. If I don't have it, I can't function. When I get stressed, I get off the stuff, then trigger horrid headaches that easily blow past my one to ten scale... why I do this, I'll never understand. My body behaves funky in stressful situations.
I'm learning more news about what'll happen on my surgery. I'll eventually make a big post detailing everything that goes into it, so I can read it a few times and do some serious thinking. My medi-bracelet came in today, and it was a $65 purchase... I figure that if that money's gone, I should continue on. But I'm drowsy and it's a big vent for another entry.
Both of my sisters are doing just fine after their respective surgeries. Shelby is still rather weak and sore, but hopefully will be recovering within the next few days. This is the stuff I intend to put myself through, so I'm paying extra close attention to what she has to go through. But like I said... vent for another entry.
Tomorrow starts my last official week of classes before Finals Week. (Yes, I title it with capitals because it's an event all in itself.) Sometime tomorrow I need to post my study schedule for the week and weekend. But if I survive this week and Finals Week, then I'll be able to take some time off from studying until January 12. Just won't be able to take time off from the rest of life.
Speaking of tomorrow... I apologize in advance if I'm distant, disconnected, depressed, or otherwise distracted. (Yay symptom alliteration!) Tomorrow marks the four-year anniversary of my great-aunt's murder, and anybody who knows me knows that I do a lot of brooding and reflecting when the anniversary of somebody's death is upon me. I'm hoping to God I don't have my yearly night terror in which I try to wake up from the recalling and can't. I've done it every year since her death, and still never seem prepared for it. Then again, nobody's ever prepared for death. Especially one so tragic.
I think my recent mental distress caused me to attempt to unwillingly have an out-of-body-episode, or OOBE. I had about an hour to myself in which I was talking to no one nor had anybody to get my attention, and my body began to feel very heavy. A strange force kept "commanding" me to lean back and roll my eyes into my head. It was a bit unnerving, but I eventually ran out of energy to resist and did so. I zoned out staring at the ceiling until my eyes went back, and after a while I could actually feel myself "lifting" out of my body. I looked down at myself and saw myself going pale, so I quickly "hopped" back into my body and startled myself awake.
I've done this maybe twice before, and I normally get scared and "jump" back into my body before I get very far. Most people who have these things can do them willingly and let themselves wander far, but there's a story that if you go too far, you'll cut the "silver cord" and be trapped as a wandering spirit. The silver cord, in essence, is your life force, and connects from your body to your spirit if you ever leave your body. As I don't ever leave my body completely, I've never seen the silver cord. But I'm not going to tempt fate, either.
Meh. Perhaps I'm rambling because it's late and I'm a drowsy mess. But I know I tried to leave my body this evening... I'm probably looking to dodge reality by roaming wild for a while, because God knows I've got enough on my plate.
I just hope everything turns out for the best this week.
And really, really hope I don't have my yearly nightmare.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
My Great Accomplishment!
(Warning: This is a video game post. XD)
Everybody who knows me knows my love of the Mario Kart series. I don't care what anybody says, the Mario Kart games are the best games ever. Anybody who has ever seen me play the Mario Kart games knows my skills at the Bowser's Castle tracks. And they are elite.
In the SNES version of Mario Kart, I easily single or double-lapped everybody on Bowser's Castle 1, coming in as the only person under 02:00:000. (I was often somewhere in the 01:48:000 range.) The other Bowser's Castle tracks were also easily dominated.
So of course the GameCube version of Bowser's Castle is no exception. I tend to be the only team that comes in under 03:00:000, and I tend to have a lead of 25 or 30 seconds above second place. So tonight I hit the Time Trials mode, figuring I'd try and break my record of 02:50:438.
And I did. Several times over. As I beat each score, I got to race against my "ghost." (A "ghost" is when you get to race against your replay from the previous attempt.) And as I have extremely strong pride in my skills of the track, I had to beat my ghosts. And beat them I did, until my record was 02:45:520. When I tried again, I had surprised myself: I unlocked the staff ghost.
The staff ghost is a nasty little creature. It's a ghost the programmers put in a game that's unlocked when the player manages to get a certain score. The staff ghost is uber elite and is almost unbeatable.
At 11:40 PM, I beat the staff ghost, and set my record on Bowser's Castle at 02:44:376.
Further proof that I am the uber elite when it comes to Bowser's Castle.
...Yes. I'm a nerd. A serious nerd. But I'm also a serious nerd who just accomplished something she spent a ton of time trying to do. So there.
Everybody who knows me knows my love of the Mario Kart series. I don't care what anybody says, the Mario Kart games are the best games ever. Anybody who has ever seen me play the Mario Kart games knows my skills at the Bowser's Castle tracks. And they are elite.
In the SNES version of Mario Kart, I easily single or double-lapped everybody on Bowser's Castle 1, coming in as the only person under 02:00:000. (I was often somewhere in the 01:48:000 range.) The other Bowser's Castle tracks were also easily dominated.
So of course the GameCube version of Bowser's Castle is no exception. I tend to be the only team that comes in under 03:00:000, and I tend to have a lead of 25 or 30 seconds above second place. So tonight I hit the Time Trials mode, figuring I'd try and break my record of 02:50:438.
And I did. Several times over. As I beat each score, I got to race against my "ghost." (A "ghost" is when you get to race against your replay from the previous attempt.) And as I have extremely strong pride in my skills of the track, I had to beat my ghosts. And beat them I did, until my record was 02:45:520. When I tried again, I had surprised myself: I unlocked the staff ghost.
The staff ghost is a nasty little creature. It's a ghost the programmers put in a game that's unlocked when the player manages to get a certain score. The staff ghost is uber elite and is almost unbeatable.
At 11:40 PM, I beat the staff ghost, and set my record on Bowser's Castle at 02:44:376.
Further proof that I am the uber elite when it comes to Bowser's Castle.
...Yes. I'm a nerd. A serious nerd. But I'm also a serious nerd who just accomplished something she spent a ton of time trying to do. So there.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Messed My Head Up Again.
So I get two phone calls.
The first one was from Mama. Apparently she, Mike, and Steve had all been talking about me today. When I asked why, I was horrified to hear that there's more needles than I thought.
Lots more.
I knew I was due in for one at pre-op and one at surgery... plus one after one month, three, six, nine, and eighteen months. That alone is seven, spread out across a year and a half. That alone is enough to send me, a complete needlephobe, close to the edge.
Well. I was told you get four before surgery (a blood draw, a numbing agent, the IV, and one in the leg for some reason that I don't remember). Then, once you're awake, they start sticking you once every six hours. And with it being a two or three day stay, we're talking eight to twelve more sticks. That brings you to a total ranging from twelve to sixteen... in three days.
I told Mama I'd be fine if they'd let me be asleep, but obviously that's not allowed. So now I'm pissed off because I hate learning things like this. Every single person I talked to said no more than three. Now I'm learning it's going to be double digits.
Worse still, Mama sounds like she thinks I'm going to back out. I get the feeling everybody's waiting on me to chicken out and back out like the coward I am. That bothers me, too. I don't know what to do, and the very concept of all those sticks has set me close to a panic episode.
The second call was from Shelby. She was fine, but I heard her voice slurring. I knew she was fine, but hearing her voice all sluggish and drowsy made my eyes tear up. (And thinking about it now has my eyes watered.) The thought of them poking and prodding and sticking her drives me insane. I know she's not afraid of needles like me, but I hate thinking about any of my loved ones being stuck and prodded. It took everything for me not to cry. I just wanted to get in my car and race up there and be with her.
She told me that Mike was nearly in tears at the sight of his youngest child being in so much pain. (She tells me on the one to ten scale, the pain level was a solid eight.) That made me smile and want to cry at the same time, as Mike is such a stoic creature that it's heartwarming to see him care so much about her. I mean, I know he loves us... just the concept warms my heart a little.
And we still haven't heard if my older sister has come out of recovery, which has my paranoia wondering what's going on. I guess I'll just keep my phone at full volume tonight.
So right as I was getting my head on straight, and right as I was starting to relax a little, I get all this put back on me. What do I do? I'm afraid that I can't face my fear on such an extreme level like this. I know I need to do it, because the bracelet was ordered and the surgery is scheduled. I know it would be very good for me. But for a needlephobe, telling them they have to endure twelve needles in three days is like telling somebody you're going to bury them alive for a couple of days.
Although for me, it feels like being locked in a coffin-like box that gets flooded with water.
I've got two weeks to gather my strength. Shelby was fortunate that she had her best friend to go with her. I don't have that luxury... but at the same time, maybe I don't want that luxury. If I know myself the way I do, I figure I'll have a bunch of doctors holding me down while I cry and yell and make noise... not a fun sight at all.
I guess I ought to try and sleep...
The first one was from Mama. Apparently she, Mike, and Steve had all been talking about me today. When I asked why, I was horrified to hear that there's more needles than I thought.
Lots more.
I knew I was due in for one at pre-op and one at surgery... plus one after one month, three, six, nine, and eighteen months. That alone is seven, spread out across a year and a half. That alone is enough to send me, a complete needlephobe, close to the edge.
Well. I was told you get four before surgery (a blood draw, a numbing agent, the IV, and one in the leg for some reason that I don't remember). Then, once you're awake, they start sticking you once every six hours. And with it being a two or three day stay, we're talking eight to twelve more sticks. That brings you to a total ranging from twelve to sixteen... in three days.
I told Mama I'd be fine if they'd let me be asleep, but obviously that's not allowed. So now I'm pissed off because I hate learning things like this. Every single person I talked to said no more than three. Now I'm learning it's going to be double digits.
Worse still, Mama sounds like she thinks I'm going to back out. I get the feeling everybody's waiting on me to chicken out and back out like the coward I am. That bothers me, too. I don't know what to do, and the very concept of all those sticks has set me close to a panic episode.
The second call was from Shelby. She was fine, but I heard her voice slurring. I knew she was fine, but hearing her voice all sluggish and drowsy made my eyes tear up. (And thinking about it now has my eyes watered.) The thought of them poking and prodding and sticking her drives me insane. I know she's not afraid of needles like me, but I hate thinking about any of my loved ones being stuck and prodded. It took everything for me not to cry. I just wanted to get in my car and race up there and be with her.
She told me that Mike was nearly in tears at the sight of his youngest child being in so much pain. (She tells me on the one to ten scale, the pain level was a solid eight.) That made me smile and want to cry at the same time, as Mike is such a stoic creature that it's heartwarming to see him care so much about her. I mean, I know he loves us... just the concept warms my heart a little.
And we still haven't heard if my older sister has come out of recovery, which has my paranoia wondering what's going on. I guess I'll just keep my phone at full volume tonight.
So right as I was getting my head on straight, and right as I was starting to relax a little, I get all this put back on me. What do I do? I'm afraid that I can't face my fear on such an extreme level like this. I know I need to do it, because the bracelet was ordered and the surgery is scheduled. I know it would be very good for me. But for a needlephobe, telling them they have to endure twelve needles in three days is like telling somebody you're going to bury them alive for a couple of days.
Although for me, it feels like being locked in a coffin-like box that gets flooded with water.
I've got two weeks to gather my strength. Shelby was fortunate that she had her best friend to go with her. I don't have that luxury... but at the same time, maybe I don't want that luxury. If I know myself the way I do, I figure I'll have a bunch of doctors holding me down while I cry and yell and make noise... not a fun sight at all.
I guess I ought to try and sleep...
Fun Times.
So both my sisters went into surgery today. I spent the night alone in Newnan as to let Mama, Mike, Shelby, and Steve head off to Anniston so they wouldn't have to get up at 3 AM just to be in Anniston on time. So after being bored for a while, I went to bed. I overslept and didn't get back to town until 12:30 this afternoon.
Both of my sisters' surgeries went well... my little sister is sleeping in her hospital room and will be released on Saturday. I still don't know if my older sister is out of recovery, but they have her in ICU for the night.
I got to talk to my uncle (Mama's older brother) for the first time in a long time this evening, which was nice... although I got scolded for forgetting to email. I guess I oughta start jumping back into the family email frays that start every now and again. I used to get involved in them, but they got heated quickly... I love having a mother who is a Democrat while her brother is Republican. Always fun!
Daddy's been asleep since sometime after 4:00 this afternoon, as the nerves in his leg were giving him hell. He told me he was going to lay down for only ten minutes, but it turned into nearly three hours. Just as long as he's not hurting, it doesn't matter.
[Incoming random rant alert!]
Y'know what bothers me? When people end a conversation without saying goodbye. I dunno why, but that gives me a strong case of annoyance and a mild case of being ticked off. I tend to know people who are notorious for just ending a conversation by disappearing or hanging up, and sometimes I just wanna bash 'em on the head with a mallet. Would it really kill somebody to take an extra few seconds to say "bye," or "see you later" or something to that effect? Damn! If I were to do that, I'd get accused of being angry at somebody. Maybe I should start using that argument and accuse people who do that to me of being mad at me. Maybe I should get uber whiny and annoying about it. Or maybe I just shouldn't start conversations with people who can't say goodbye. Too bad one of them is my stepdad... I'd get yelled at for that.
Meh. I wish mallets weren't so hard to come by.
[End of random rant. We now return you to your regularly scheduled entry.]
Hm. Tomorrow I get to deal with the fun people of the CSU Student Accounts office. They want $43 for some stupid reason, and I'm sure they'll find some ways to get under my skin and tick me off. That'll be fun.
So yeah. I'm trying to get rid of a bitter taste in my mouth, while trying to tell myself there are more important things to think about than being upset because people don't say goodbye to me before they leave.
But damnit, I can't stand it!
Both of my sisters' surgeries went well... my little sister is sleeping in her hospital room and will be released on Saturday. I still don't know if my older sister is out of recovery, but they have her in ICU for the night.
I got to talk to my uncle (Mama's older brother) for the first time in a long time this evening, which was nice... although I got scolded for forgetting to email. I guess I oughta start jumping back into the family email frays that start every now and again. I used to get involved in them, but they got heated quickly... I love having a mother who is a Democrat while her brother is Republican. Always fun!
Daddy's been asleep since sometime after 4:00 this afternoon, as the nerves in his leg were giving him hell. He told me he was going to lay down for only ten minutes, but it turned into nearly three hours. Just as long as he's not hurting, it doesn't matter.
[Incoming random rant alert!]
Y'know what bothers me? When people end a conversation without saying goodbye. I dunno why, but that gives me a strong case of annoyance and a mild case of being ticked off. I tend to know people who are notorious for just ending a conversation by disappearing or hanging up, and sometimes I just wanna bash 'em on the head with a mallet. Would it really kill somebody to take an extra few seconds to say "bye," or "see you later" or something to that effect? Damn! If I were to do that, I'd get accused of being angry at somebody. Maybe I should start using that argument and accuse people who do that to me of being mad at me. Maybe I should get uber whiny and annoying about it. Or maybe I just shouldn't start conversations with people who can't say goodbye. Too bad one of them is my stepdad... I'd get yelled at for that.
Meh. I wish mallets weren't so hard to come by.
[End of random rant. We now return you to your regularly scheduled entry.]
Hm. Tomorrow I get to deal with the fun people of the CSU Student Accounts office. They want $43 for some stupid reason, and I'm sure they'll find some ways to get under my skin and tick me off. That'll be fun.
So yeah. I'm trying to get rid of a bitter taste in my mouth, while trying to tell myself there are more important things to think about than being upset because people don't say goodbye to me before they leave.
But damnit, I can't stand it!
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Interesting Day.
Today was interesting. I guess that'd be the word for it.
This morning I had to do my persuasive speech in Public Speaking. (I stayed up until midnight writing the damn thing, then was woken up at 2 AM by a horrid pain caused by my right leg doing its notorious late-night wake-up calls. Damn pulling muscles!) I was supposed to go second, but wound up going first due to the girl scheduled to go before me being late.
I got up and declared, "Woo! Alright, let's do this!" I got some giggles, but more importantly... I got a random burst of applause -- and I'd not even performed yet. I handed over my outline to the professor and announced I first needed to get the giggles out... so I did a small dance. I then turned serious and somber, and set into my speech.
I'm a pseudo-professional storyteller. As my opener and closer were both stories, I nailed them beautifully. Again I delivered another performance that rendered the class speechless. I was proud.
So after that, I sat in the lobby for a while. At first I was content to read my book and play my music... but as time progressed, I randomly got sad. So sad that I lost interest in the book and laid my head down on my hoodie. Before I knew it, I was staring at the corner, crying quietly, and unable to stop it. It went on for quite some time before it finally eased off and I entered a very numb, empty state that went beyond my "disconnect" defense mechanism.
I motivated myself into Geology, where I found we are finally starting the reason I entered the course -- meteorology. That picked me up a little, and I left class feeling somewhat better.
After class, Daddy and I went out to lunch at my favorite Chinese place, followed by some grocery errands. Again my sense of humor made itself known as we left the restaurant, in which I made my greatest joke of the day: "Boy, I love this restaurant. If I clean my plate, they give me a cookie!"
Daddy was Unamused Cat.
Today was the first day since Saturday since I haven't been absorbed with something for school. I've lost a crapload of sleep worrying and brooding about things, but getting the math exam and my speech out of the way definitely lightened the load. I was able to relax a little today, which definitely helped my system. Hopefully tonight I'll sleep.
I also will be tagged for the rest of my life. After my surgery on the 29th, I'll be forced to wear a medical bracelet stating that I've had said surgery. And I'll have to wear said medical bracelet every day for the rest of my life. Fortunately, I got to pick the design myself... so I'll sport a nice silver bracelet, which honestly doesn't look that bad. But yeah, Dani will have a pseudo-collar on her wrist.
(Getting the medi-bracelet makes me want to get another bracelet, with a charm that declares me belonging to my boyfriend. Then again, I'm weird and like the collar concept.)
Tomorrow, post-school, I'll be traveling to Newnan. There I'll have the house to myself for the night. I'll probably use that time to nap or do some serious reality avoidance.
For now, I'm gonna try to sleep, as my focus is completely lost.
...Hehe. Dani's gonna be tagged.
This morning I had to do my persuasive speech in Public Speaking. (I stayed up until midnight writing the damn thing, then was woken up at 2 AM by a horrid pain caused by my right leg doing its notorious late-night wake-up calls. Damn pulling muscles!) I was supposed to go second, but wound up going first due to the girl scheduled to go before me being late.
I got up and declared, "Woo! Alright, let's do this!" I got some giggles, but more importantly... I got a random burst of applause -- and I'd not even performed yet. I handed over my outline to the professor and announced I first needed to get the giggles out... so I did a small dance. I then turned serious and somber, and set into my speech.
I'm a pseudo-professional storyteller. As my opener and closer were both stories, I nailed them beautifully. Again I delivered another performance that rendered the class speechless. I was proud.
So after that, I sat in the lobby for a while. At first I was content to read my book and play my music... but as time progressed, I randomly got sad. So sad that I lost interest in the book and laid my head down on my hoodie. Before I knew it, I was staring at the corner, crying quietly, and unable to stop it. It went on for quite some time before it finally eased off and I entered a very numb, empty state that went beyond my "disconnect" defense mechanism.
I motivated myself into Geology, where I found we are finally starting the reason I entered the course -- meteorology. That picked me up a little, and I left class feeling somewhat better.
After class, Daddy and I went out to lunch at my favorite Chinese place, followed by some grocery errands. Again my sense of humor made itself known as we left the restaurant, in which I made my greatest joke of the day: "Boy, I love this restaurant. If I clean my plate, they give me a cookie!"
Daddy was Unamused Cat.
Today was the first day since Saturday since I haven't been absorbed with something for school. I've lost a crapload of sleep worrying and brooding about things, but getting the math exam and my speech out of the way definitely lightened the load. I was able to relax a little today, which definitely helped my system. Hopefully tonight I'll sleep.
I also will be tagged for the rest of my life. After my surgery on the 29th, I'll be forced to wear a medical bracelet stating that I've had said surgery. And I'll have to wear said medical bracelet every day for the rest of my life. Fortunately, I got to pick the design myself... so I'll sport a nice silver bracelet, which honestly doesn't look that bad. But yeah, Dani will have a pseudo-collar on her wrist.
(Getting the medi-bracelet makes me want to get another bracelet, with a charm that declares me belonging to my boyfriend. Then again, I'm weird and like the collar concept.)
Tomorrow, post-school, I'll be traveling to Newnan. There I'll have the house to myself for the night. I'll probably use that time to nap or do some serious reality avoidance.
For now, I'm gonna try to sleep, as my focus is completely lost.
...Hehe. Dani's gonna be tagged.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Excuse.
[Edit: I erased it all and started over.]
To whom it may concern,
Please excuse me from existence for the next several days, as my mental state has become horribly ill.
Both my anxieties and depression have flared, which has set me to the furthermost part of the edge as one can go without toppling over into insanity. If it isn't horrid hallucinations by night, it's disconnection and crying by day.
I have become completely useless to my companions and loved ones, and have decided it best for all involved if I pretend I fell off the planet for a couple of days. This way, I don't put anybody at risk of being around when the big collapse comes... and people don't have to put up with my nonsensical hypersensitivity.
I mean no harm to anybody, but lately I've been doing damage to people that I love, and I refuse to let myself do it anymore. It is for this reason that I plan to drop off the face of the planet for these next few days.
I'm not trying to punish anybody. Instead, I'm trying to protect people. There is something very ugly brewing and churning within this body of mine, and it's rapidly making its way to the surface. And I won't let anybody be in the path when it breaks the surface and erupts.
I'll return after the explosion, when the aftershocks are over and my stability has come back to me.
So please excuse my existence for the next few days, and I'll see you again upon my return.
-HDB
To whom it may concern,
Please excuse me from existence for the next several days, as my mental state has become horribly ill.
Both my anxieties and depression have flared, which has set me to the furthermost part of the edge as one can go without toppling over into insanity. If it isn't horrid hallucinations by night, it's disconnection and crying by day.
I have become completely useless to my companions and loved ones, and have decided it best for all involved if I pretend I fell off the planet for a couple of days. This way, I don't put anybody at risk of being around when the big collapse comes... and people don't have to put up with my nonsensical hypersensitivity.
I mean no harm to anybody, but lately I've been doing damage to people that I love, and I refuse to let myself do it anymore. It is for this reason that I plan to drop off the face of the planet for these next few days.
I'm not trying to punish anybody. Instead, I'm trying to protect people. There is something very ugly brewing and churning within this body of mine, and it's rapidly making its way to the surface. And I won't let anybody be in the path when it breaks the surface and erupts.
I'll return after the explosion, when the aftershocks are over and my stability has come back to me.
So please excuse my existence for the next few days, and I'll see you again upon my return.
-HDB
Another Senseless, Emo Poem.
This is a bit of a sequel to my old poem, Reminder. For those who've not read it or don't remember it, it's this piece here.
I've never had a poem flow as easily from my mind as this one did. And since I cried while producing it, I warn that it may be a little sad.
Forget to Forget
It was one of those days
That kept people hurried for indoors
Where the warmth keeps you comfortable
And makes you feel welcomed.
And yet, upon the street stands a young man
Who stands alone in the cold and rain.
The wind rushes by in a quick little burst,
But the thing is that he feels nothing...
And hasn't for quite some time.
His eyes blaze trails into eternity
Sees far beyond the horizon into forever,
Yet he sees nothing at all.
In his pocket is a folded piece of paper
That his fingers brush along
In slow, robotic manner...
A piece of paper that never cut his fingers
But slashed his heart in two.
Remember to forget
Forget to remember.
A simple message with too many connotations...
Sadly he'd chosen the right one.
He inhaled hard --
Forgotten to breathe a moment, he did --
And looked behind himself
At the houses with their inviting lights.
The invitations burned his eyes...
He forgot that invitations were good.
In the back of his mind a single pulse
Races to his throat and up again
His mouth forms silent syllables
And attempts to say a name.
But he forgot to use his voice.
From the depths of his pocket,
The note sees gloomy grey light again.
He stares down at it but the ink grows smudged.
He'd forgotten to bring an umbrella.
So he puts it in his pocket once more
Begins to walk the streets alone,
Eyes blindly looking at everything...
The everything has suddenly become nothing.
He stumbles slightly upon a bump in the road --
He forgot to watch where he was going.
And he arrives at an ordinary location
Feels his knees buckle and grow weak
As from the nothing, it materializes.
Within his soul, an icy spark sets ablaze
Makes the young man start to quiver...
After all, he forgot his coat.
His eyes sting at the sight before him
A building that used to mean so damn much
Within its walls, a great thing had occurred...
But that was long ago, and things had changed.
He'd forgotten how bad he could ache.
And finally, he sits in the middle of the path
Feels a tightness in his chest
That causes his breathing to quiver.
As he buries his head into his hands,
He forgets he's not supposed to cry.
But what's wrong to forget one little thing
When he's already forgotten everything else?
Now he's nothing but a lost cause --
A broken spirit taking refuge in warm tears
On a cold and rainy day
Alone in the streets...
And all because he forgets to forget.
I've never had a poem flow as easily from my mind as this one did. And since I cried while producing it, I warn that it may be a little sad.
It was one of those days
That kept people hurried for indoors
Where the warmth keeps you comfortable
And makes you feel welcomed.
And yet, upon the street stands a young man
Who stands alone in the cold and rain.
The wind rushes by in a quick little burst,
But the thing is that he feels nothing...
And hasn't for quite some time.
His eyes blaze trails into eternity
Sees far beyond the horizon into forever,
Yet he sees nothing at all.
In his pocket is a folded piece of paper
That his fingers brush along
In slow, robotic manner...
A piece of paper that never cut his fingers
But slashed his heart in two.
Remember to forget
Forget to remember.
A simple message with too many connotations...
Sadly he'd chosen the right one.
He inhaled hard --
Forgotten to breathe a moment, he did --
And looked behind himself
At the houses with their inviting lights.
The invitations burned his eyes...
He forgot that invitations were good.
In the back of his mind a single pulse
Races to his throat and up again
His mouth forms silent syllables
And attempts to say a name.
But he forgot to use his voice.
From the depths of his pocket,
The note sees gloomy grey light again.
He stares down at it but the ink grows smudged.
He'd forgotten to bring an umbrella.
So he puts it in his pocket once more
Begins to walk the streets alone,
Eyes blindly looking at everything...
The everything has suddenly become nothing.
He stumbles slightly upon a bump in the road --
He forgot to watch where he was going.
And he arrives at an ordinary location
Feels his knees buckle and grow weak
As from the nothing, it materializes.
Within his soul, an icy spark sets ablaze
Makes the young man start to quiver...
After all, he forgot his coat.
His eyes sting at the sight before him
A building that used to mean so damn much
Within its walls, a great thing had occurred...
But that was long ago, and things had changed.
He'd forgotten how bad he could ache.
And finally, he sits in the middle of the path
Feels a tightness in his chest
That causes his breathing to quiver.
As he buries his head into his hands,
He forgets he's not supposed to cry.
But what's wrong to forget one little thing
When he's already forgotten everything else?
Now he's nothing but a lost cause --
A broken spirit taking refuge in warm tears
On a cold and rainy day
Alone in the streets...
And all because he forgets to forget.
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