So, what's Dani gonna do for Halloween?
First of all, I'm gonna be alone all day. At least until 7:30 tonight. Second, I'm gonna tell Daddy happy birthday, as he's a Halloween baby.
At the moment, I'm recovering from lunch (I bought out and finally feel full and content) while watching one of multiple paranormal documentaries on TV. In a while, I'll probably be "traditional" and turn on some scary movies to play all day... even though they're never as much fun in the daytime.
Last night I didn't dream. Actually, I tried to dream, but it was abruptly cut off within five seconds of it starting, much like somebody abruptly turning off a television. And so I didn't dream. I slept very comfortably in my state of dreamlessness; the first night in over a week I've had a night of sleep without horrid nightmares or feeling paranoid. I'm not sure if I'm being lulled into a false sense of security or if I'm overthinking things.
I figure that since tonight is the night the paranormal universe is at its most active, I'll spend the day researching and the like. I intend to swallow my fear and spend some time in the old playroom/den, which has lately given me bad vibes of something wandering about in there. We've turned that room into a storage room, more or less, and when my Nanny died, all her belongings ended up in there. I've heard scratching and clawing from within the room, as well as smelling burning flowers. I want to go in there and hold some family pictures and see if maybe I get any impressions. But I'll probably coward out.
I'm calm now, but I'm silently dreading nightfall. I'm not sure what I'll do when it rolls around, but I'm sure I'll think of something.
For now, I guess I'll just sit back and watch my documentaries.
It's going to be a long, lonely, isolated weekend.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Think Happy Thoughts...
That's my little mantra today. "Think happy thoughts. Think happy thoughts."
We get our Microeconomics exam back today, and I'm anticipating a better grade on this one than I got on the first one. ...I hope. I've been getting back tests all week this week, and surprised by all of them. In Math, I found I was one of the "four or five" who passed the last test, making an 81/100 -- a B-minus. I was unhappy, but once again, I was victim of stupid mistakes. Grah! That's irritating. In Geology, my last quiz grade was a 94/100 and my midterm a 92/100, both of which are As. (But we haven't added the 12 bonus points to the midterms yet, so I actually made a 104/100.)
My little Public Speaking group project is coming along well... I think. Everybody's sending me their notes so that I can type 'em, edit 'em, and send them to our speech drafter. She tells me I won't get the draft until sometime Saturday, which doesn't bother me at all. I'm also not a very mean leader, I've learned. One of the girls in my group sent me an email apologizing for not sending any notes... that she was having a very ugly day and didn't get around to it. I sent her a message back telling her to be calm, that there was still plenty of time, and that I could always find something for her to do so she could get the review points. (I then told her to have a better day today, or I'd go hunt her down and make her laugh.)
But anyway.
I realized this morning I'm running low on a bunch of things, and the needle on my car that shows my gas is lingering in the warning zone. Wincing, I decided to check out my checking account to see how much I could afford to buy after I get out of class this morning. I knew my account was low, and was pretty certain I'd have nothing to spare.
I like looking at my checking account and finding more than I anticipated. I have more than enough to buy my things and refuel my car, which makes me a slightly happier Dani. Hell, I may even buy myself lunch today, as I've not eaten great this week and I think I deserve it. But we'll see.
For now, I'm gonna go get stuff ready for school...
And yeah.
We get our Microeconomics exam back today, and I'm anticipating a better grade on this one than I got on the first one. ...I hope. I've been getting back tests all week this week, and surprised by all of them. In Math, I found I was one of the "four or five" who passed the last test, making an 81/100 -- a B-minus. I was unhappy, but once again, I was victim of stupid mistakes. Grah! That's irritating. In Geology, my last quiz grade was a 94/100 and my midterm a 92/100, both of which are As. (But we haven't added the 12 bonus points to the midterms yet, so I actually made a 104/100.)
My little Public Speaking group project is coming along well... I think. Everybody's sending me their notes so that I can type 'em, edit 'em, and send them to our speech drafter. She tells me I won't get the draft until sometime Saturday, which doesn't bother me at all. I'm also not a very mean leader, I've learned. One of the girls in my group sent me an email apologizing for not sending any notes... that she was having a very ugly day and didn't get around to it. I sent her a message back telling her to be calm, that there was still plenty of time, and that I could always find something for her to do so she could get the review points. (I then told her to have a better day today, or I'd go hunt her down and make her laugh.)
But anyway.
I realized this morning I'm running low on a bunch of things, and the needle on my car that shows my gas is lingering in the warning zone. Wincing, I decided to check out my checking account to see how much I could afford to buy after I get out of class this morning. I knew my account was low, and was pretty certain I'd have nothing to spare.
I like looking at my checking account and finding more than I anticipated. I have more than enough to buy my things and refuel my car, which makes me a slightly happier Dani. Hell, I may even buy myself lunch today, as I've not eaten great this week and I think I deserve it. But we'll see.
For now, I'm gonna go get stuff ready for school...
And yeah.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Early Morning Musings
Yesterday should've been Halloween.
I say this because last night was so rough. I laid down and swore I saw moving in my TV's reflection, so I turned around and saw shadows moving around, and I wound up falling asleep hidden under my blanket. It didn't help, much, as I wound up having a really unnerving dream about watching one of my dogs (who already passed away this year) falling through a tarp into a pool, and watching her try to flail out of it. She survived in the dream, but that scene woke me up feeling very sick to my stomach. Meh.
This may be one of those days where I crave the boring lectures in class. I'm hoping yesterday wasn't an omen of things to come this week.
I say this because last night was so rough. I laid down and swore I saw moving in my TV's reflection, so I turned around and saw shadows moving around, and I wound up falling asleep hidden under my blanket. It didn't help, much, as I wound up having a really unnerving dream about watching one of my dogs (who already passed away this year) falling through a tarp into a pool, and watching her try to flail out of it. She survived in the dream, but that scene woke me up feeling very sick to my stomach. Meh.
This may be one of those days where I crave the boring lectures in class. I'm hoping yesterday wasn't an omen of things to come this week.
Friday, October 24, 2008
The Most Sensitive Subject.
I'll be dealing with the touchiest subject I've got with this post... I'll be revealing everything about it... to hopefully shed some light on things... and to vent some anxieties and stress.
So I just got off the phone with Mama. I'll be going to a pre-op seminar on November 20. The three days of November 18 - 20 will be brutal... on the 18th, I'll get to visit my surgical OB-GYN to get cut (a tiny cut, but cut nonetheless)... on the 20th, I may get a needle in the arm. Dani will be a very stressed, unhappy person during those days. T.T
If I decide to go through with this procedure, we hope to have it done on December 19. Then I'll be in the hospital for two days, and then physically weak for probably two weeks. But after that, everything is supposed to go uphill very quickly.
I've been struggling with this, the most sensitive subject I have, since I was 12: My weight and my body. I've been overweight for most of my life, and it's caused some ugly things. My self-esteem has plunged in the toilet and has yet to come back; I look in the mirror and get depressed; my lungs are forced to work harder than they need to, which causes me to stop breathing sometimes. Whenever anybody brings up the subject of my body, I get defensive and depressed. Most of the times I cry over it once I'm alone.
I've tried all sorts of things to help myself, but to no avail. Both of my parents are heavy, and both are sitting on large body frames. But my frame is small, and I'm carrying too much. My knees give me a lot of pain, as does my back. I'm 20 years old... I shouldn't be in pain like this. If it progresses at the rate it's going, I'll be forced to undergo surgeries for my back and I'll lose my quality of life on a plethora of medicines that will gradully deteriorate my body and mind.
How do I know this? I've watched Mama go down this road. Over the summer, I watched the days where she was medicated and would sit in her chair, babbling to nobody in her medicine-induced hallucinations. It was nothing she could help. I watched her sleep for days on end, in so much pain that she couldn't even get out of bed. I've seen her medications make her sick to her stomach... I've seen her mind deteriorate because of them. Things she used to know are gone from memory. Things she used to remember, she can't.
Her medications caused her to walk around in hazes, then fall down and hurt herself. I returned from a job interview to find her laying on the floor, semi-conscious, babbling. The sight of it was sickening and heartbreaking, and it took everything I had not to cry as I helped her to her chair. She wound up breaking her foot as a result of that fall, and to this day I hold myself accountable. I told myself I needed to wake Shelby up so that somebody was watching Mama, but I didn't bother. They took her to the hospital to get her foot checked out, and I remember sitting back in her chair and just crying. Crying until I "disconnected," to which I stared at the door for an hour.
(If I reach an extreme level of a given emotion -- depression, anger, pain, guilt -- my body goes into a defense mechanism where it, somehow, turns off my feelings. I get very distant, empty, cryptic, and blank, and it can last for days. Normally me speaking in short, cryptic bursts warns somebody that I may be getting to that point. But I'm derailing.)
I don't want to end up that way. I want to chase tornadoes; I want to explore cemeteries and abandoned buildings; I want to travel. That's why I'm doing what I'm doing. None of it is about vanity. It's not about looking pretty... it's about regaining the life and self-respect I lost somewhere in my teenaged years. It's about living as long as possible... Mama's side of the family has a "curse" in which all the women have died at the age of 59. I don't want to fall victim to it.
I've been holding all of this in for several weeks, having been spurred to think about it when my sister came out with her announcement about the procedure. I don't like burdening others with my stresses and my life's issues, but at the same time, I know better than to bottle things up. That's what spiraled me into the depression that nearly cost me my life, and I'm not doing it again.
...And there we have it... the touchiest, most sensitive subject about me. The only place on my proverbial body the proverbial shield does not protect.
I'm going to find something to hopefully distract myself from it.
So I just got off the phone with Mama. I'll be going to a pre-op seminar on November 20. The three days of November 18 - 20 will be brutal... on the 18th, I'll get to visit my surgical OB-GYN to get cut (a tiny cut, but cut nonetheless)... on the 20th, I may get a needle in the arm. Dani will be a very stressed, unhappy person during those days. T.T
If I decide to go through with this procedure, we hope to have it done on December 19. Then I'll be in the hospital for two days, and then physically weak for probably two weeks. But after that, everything is supposed to go uphill very quickly.
I've been struggling with this, the most sensitive subject I have, since I was 12: My weight and my body. I've been overweight for most of my life, and it's caused some ugly things. My self-esteem has plunged in the toilet and has yet to come back; I look in the mirror and get depressed; my lungs are forced to work harder than they need to, which causes me to stop breathing sometimes. Whenever anybody brings up the subject of my body, I get defensive and depressed. Most of the times I cry over it once I'm alone.
I've tried all sorts of things to help myself, but to no avail. Both of my parents are heavy, and both are sitting on large body frames. But my frame is small, and I'm carrying too much. My knees give me a lot of pain, as does my back. I'm 20 years old... I shouldn't be in pain like this. If it progresses at the rate it's going, I'll be forced to undergo surgeries for my back and I'll lose my quality of life on a plethora of medicines that will gradully deteriorate my body and mind.
How do I know this? I've watched Mama go down this road. Over the summer, I watched the days where she was medicated and would sit in her chair, babbling to nobody in her medicine-induced hallucinations. It was nothing she could help. I watched her sleep for days on end, in so much pain that she couldn't even get out of bed. I've seen her medications make her sick to her stomach... I've seen her mind deteriorate because of them. Things she used to know are gone from memory. Things she used to remember, she can't.
Her medications caused her to walk around in hazes, then fall down and hurt herself. I returned from a job interview to find her laying on the floor, semi-conscious, babbling. The sight of it was sickening and heartbreaking, and it took everything I had not to cry as I helped her to her chair. She wound up breaking her foot as a result of that fall, and to this day I hold myself accountable. I told myself I needed to wake Shelby up so that somebody was watching Mama, but I didn't bother. They took her to the hospital to get her foot checked out, and I remember sitting back in her chair and just crying. Crying until I "disconnected," to which I stared at the door for an hour.
(If I reach an extreme level of a given emotion -- depression, anger, pain, guilt -- my body goes into a defense mechanism where it, somehow, turns off my feelings. I get very distant, empty, cryptic, and blank, and it can last for days. Normally me speaking in short, cryptic bursts warns somebody that I may be getting to that point. But I'm derailing.)
I don't want to end up that way. I want to chase tornadoes; I want to explore cemeteries and abandoned buildings; I want to travel. That's why I'm doing what I'm doing. None of it is about vanity. It's not about looking pretty... it's about regaining the life and self-respect I lost somewhere in my teenaged years. It's about living as long as possible... Mama's side of the family has a "curse" in which all the women have died at the age of 59. I don't want to fall victim to it.
I've been holding all of this in for several weeks, having been spurred to think about it when my sister came out with her announcement about the procedure. I don't like burdening others with my stresses and my life's issues, but at the same time, I know better than to bottle things up. That's what spiraled me into the depression that nearly cost me my life, and I'm not doing it again.
...And there we have it... the touchiest, most sensitive subject about me. The only place on my proverbial body the proverbial shield does not protect.
I'm going to find something to hopefully distract myself from it.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
The Time's Nearly Here.
We've got one week until the Day of the Dead's looming over us. That "veil" between the living and the dead will be at its weakest point, and supposedly activity will be increased.
I believe it's starting already. I believe that "veil" is thinning rapidly. I've seen more orbs. I'm reading about people in the obituaries that I somehow know their name and their story. The other night, I saw a shadowy figure watching me as I tried to sleep. Even the bedroom light I keep on to shoo them away is failing. I go to bed knowing I'm being watched, and I feel a perpetual hot spot on my left arm... as if somebody's holding on tight to me, not wanting me to go away.
So what's gonna happen to this hypersensitive on the Day of the Dead? My "sixth sense" is very much heightened, and has been for a while now. Heightened so much that it's probably why I've not slept in four nights.
It's going to be a wild day, as I will be inhabiting this house alone until after dark. Strangely, I don't feel afraid. I feel more determined than I do afraid. As if it's some sort of challenge. Hell, I'm not even sure anything'll happen. But the possibility is there.
I'm either brave, bold, or insane. It's so funny that a malicious entity won't scare me, but a bug can make me panic. It really shows where my priorities are.
Damnit. If there was any money in the paranormal investigation business, that'd be my career.
Moving away to more optimistic topics...
I dabble a lot in Marioverse stories. In fact, I've started a series based around the Marioverse, called The World Disorders. There are four stories -- the prologue, and three tales that follow.
World Disorders I: Raid of Darkness started this series three years ago. I'm in the process of rewriting the 101-page novel and making it better, as I thought it could use some fleshing out. This is, by far, the most tragic of the stories, as a bunch of my beloved characters got killed off in the beginning. In fact, it destroyed my alter ego.
World Disorders II: Separation of Worlds is the one presently being written. It introduces my new alter ego, who I'm not sure if I'm going to keep or not. She'll show up in the third installment, which is still in its conceptual phase. This plot is much more complex than that of WDI, and will take much more time to write.
Writing these stories have made me very curious about doing a crossover piece, in which I drag my pirate alter ego, Lucafira, into the Marioverse for a possible WDIV. But I'm very uncertain on this... She's already established in another story, which is also being written at the same time as these.
I'm feeling literary and spiritual... and really have nothing better to say than that. I'm just bracing for impact as Halloween creeps closer, and hope to God that I can keep my wits about me as the most paranormal day falls overhead.
For now, it's bedtime.
I believe it's starting already. I believe that "veil" is thinning rapidly. I've seen more orbs. I'm reading about people in the obituaries that I somehow know their name and their story. The other night, I saw a shadowy figure watching me as I tried to sleep. Even the bedroom light I keep on to shoo them away is failing. I go to bed knowing I'm being watched, and I feel a perpetual hot spot on my left arm... as if somebody's holding on tight to me, not wanting me to go away.
So what's gonna happen to this hypersensitive on the Day of the Dead? My "sixth sense" is very much heightened, and has been for a while now. Heightened so much that it's probably why I've not slept in four nights.
It's going to be a wild day, as I will be inhabiting this house alone until after dark. Strangely, I don't feel afraid. I feel more determined than I do afraid. As if it's some sort of challenge. Hell, I'm not even sure anything'll happen. But the possibility is there.
I'm either brave, bold, or insane. It's so funny that a malicious entity won't scare me, but a bug can make me panic. It really shows where my priorities are.
Damnit. If there was any money in the paranormal investigation business, that'd be my career.
Moving away to more optimistic topics...
I dabble a lot in Marioverse stories. In fact, I've started a series based around the Marioverse, called The World Disorders. There are four stories -- the prologue, and three tales that follow.
World Disorders I: Raid of Darkness started this series three years ago. I'm in the process of rewriting the 101-page novel and making it better, as I thought it could use some fleshing out. This is, by far, the most tragic of the stories, as a bunch of my beloved characters got killed off in the beginning. In fact, it destroyed my alter ego.
World Disorders II: Separation of Worlds is the one presently being written. It introduces my new alter ego, who I'm not sure if I'm going to keep or not. She'll show up in the third installment, which is still in its conceptual phase. This plot is much more complex than that of WDI, and will take much more time to write.
Writing these stories have made me very curious about doing a crossover piece, in which I drag my pirate alter ego, Lucafira, into the Marioverse for a possible WDIV. But I'm very uncertain on this... She's already established in another story, which is also being written at the same time as these.
I'm feeling literary and spiritual... and really have nothing better to say than that. I'm just bracing for impact as Halloween creeps closer, and hope to God that I can keep my wits about me as the most paranormal day falls overhead.
For now, it's bedtime.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
One Down, One to Go...
Geology midterm: Complete.
After studying myself into a migraine last night, I decided to finally try to sleep and hit the studying again in the morning.
See, I had a fear. Last semester, for my Accounting II final, I studied for 13 hours. I wrote 25 pages of notes, read 300 pages, and did 50 problems. Sat down for the final and... half the stuff on it was stuff she said wouldn't be there. A third of it was stuff I'd overlooked. I barely passed that thing, even with all my work. It's left me scarred and terrified. This is why I study so hard for tests now.
Anyway. Public Speaking class was just the thing I needed to ease some of the stress I was piling on. The professor was back from her trip to Japan, and obviously in no mood to teach. She made us watch a 20-minute block from that stupid movie she made us watch last week... (When she asked how it was, the class had a very hard time saying "Good." It was fun.) Then we got into the lecture of language. Denotation means the literal meaning, while connotation means its figurative definition. Simple. So she brings up an example.
"When you hear George Bush, you get the literal meaning of his name as him being human and the president."
I squirmed in my seat.
She asks, "So what does his name mean in connotation?"
Unable to control myself, I said, "We can't answer that... his connotations are inappropriate for school settings."
...I allow myself one stupid outburst per class per day. XD
She then went on to teach us how to reword things so that they don't sound as harsh (in other words, she taught us how to sugarcoat). This led to a very interesting discussion on masturbation... She was talking all about it, then made us watch some commercials for Viagra to show us how they reword things to make them sound more enjoyable.
We were all so stunned that we couldn't even laugh at the hilarity of it. ...Well, my friend and I managed a snicker and head shake. Y'know, the head shake you do when you lower your head, close your eyes, and shake it slowly? The one that says, "I don't know you" or "I can't believe you said that," etc. Yeah.
Anyway...
Geology class finally came, and I found myself face-to-face with my nemesis. After 15 minutes of stupid questions being asked and answered, the test was finally in front of me. I looked at it and, to my pleasant surprise, found I actually knew the stuff on it... and that 40% of it was comprised of the questions I spent those 10 hours on. It wasn't a nightmareish deja vu of Accounting II... I knew the stuff! I even was able to produce a pretty good extra credit essay (plus I've got 12 extra credit points in the bank for this thing).
I handed it in, and walked to my car. Only then did it hit me... It was over, and I was exhausted.
I'm reeling. I'm sitting here, slumped back in my chair, half conscious. I didn't think a midterm could take so much out of a person... I'm exhaling the stress that was pent up... at least for now.
I'm now looking ahead to the math test I've got on Friday morning. Fortunately, I'm better at math than geology, so I'm not as stressed. That, and I'm taking the rest of the day off to try and relax a little from the tension I put on.
I may have won the battle, but the war rages on.
...I've always wanted to say that.
After studying myself into a migraine last night, I decided to finally try to sleep and hit the studying again in the morning.
See, I had a fear. Last semester, for my Accounting II final, I studied for 13 hours. I wrote 25 pages of notes, read 300 pages, and did 50 problems. Sat down for the final and... half the stuff on it was stuff she said wouldn't be there. A third of it was stuff I'd overlooked. I barely passed that thing, even with all my work. It's left me scarred and terrified. This is why I study so hard for tests now.
Anyway. Public Speaking class was just the thing I needed to ease some of the stress I was piling on. The professor was back from her trip to Japan, and obviously in no mood to teach. She made us watch a 20-minute block from that stupid movie she made us watch last week... (When she asked how it was, the class had a very hard time saying "Good." It was fun.) Then we got into the lecture of language. Denotation means the literal meaning, while connotation means its figurative definition. Simple. So she brings up an example.
"When you hear George Bush, you get the literal meaning of his name as him being human and the president."
I squirmed in my seat.
She asks, "So what does his name mean in connotation?"
Unable to control myself, I said, "We can't answer that... his connotations are inappropriate for school settings."
...I allow myself one stupid outburst per class per day. XD
She then went on to teach us how to reword things so that they don't sound as harsh (in other words, she taught us how to sugarcoat). This led to a very interesting discussion on masturbation... She was talking all about it, then made us watch some commercials for Viagra to show us how they reword things to make them sound more enjoyable.
We were all so stunned that we couldn't even laugh at the hilarity of it. ...Well, my friend and I managed a snicker and head shake. Y'know, the head shake you do when you lower your head, close your eyes, and shake it slowly? The one that says, "I don't know you" or "I can't believe you said that," etc. Yeah.
Anyway...
Geology class finally came, and I found myself face-to-face with my nemesis. After 15 minutes of stupid questions being asked and answered, the test was finally in front of me. I looked at it and, to my pleasant surprise, found I actually knew the stuff on it... and that 40% of it was comprised of the questions I spent those 10 hours on. It wasn't a nightmareish deja vu of Accounting II... I knew the stuff! I even was able to produce a pretty good extra credit essay (plus I've got 12 extra credit points in the bank for this thing).
I handed it in, and walked to my car. Only then did it hit me... It was over, and I was exhausted.
I'm reeling. I'm sitting here, slumped back in my chair, half conscious. I didn't think a midterm could take so much out of a person... I'm exhaling the stress that was pent up... at least for now.
I'm now looking ahead to the math test I've got on Friday morning. Fortunately, I'm better at math than geology, so I'm not as stressed. That, and I'm taking the rest of the day off to try and relax a little from the tension I put on.
I may have won the battle, but the war rages on.
...I've always wanted to say that.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Losing Focus.
I just looked at myself in the mirror and saw some very dark circles under my eyes. Obviously, I'm exhausting myself again.
So I spent a solid 10 hours studying today for my Geology exam in the morning. I wrote about 20 pages of notes and have looked them over multiple times. I wanted to get another hour in, but my brain refused to function after 8:30. I guess I'll do more studying tomorrow morning... and I've got 12 extra credit points on the exam itself... that's an entire letter grade of free points... I hope it's enough.
I'm stressing bad over this test. Fortunately, my buddy and I have been exchanging notes back and forth all day, so between the two of us, we should be alright.
I hope.
Then after this is all over... I can stress about my upcoming math exam, which is Friday! Hooooooray!
Ha haha... ha... hm.
My brain hurts.
So I spent a solid 10 hours studying today for my Geology exam in the morning. I wrote about 20 pages of notes and have looked them over multiple times. I wanted to get another hour in, but my brain refused to function after 8:30. I guess I'll do more studying tomorrow morning... and I've got 12 extra credit points on the exam itself... that's an entire letter grade of free points... I hope it's enough.
I'm stressing bad over this test. Fortunately, my buddy and I have been exchanging notes back and forth all day, so between the two of us, we should be alright.
I hope.
Then after this is all over... I can stress about my upcoming math exam, which is Friday! Hooooooray!
Ha haha... ha... hm.
My brain hurts.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Epic Nightmareish Dream.
I had an epic dream last night... felt so real. And because I've nothing better to talk about, and it's weighing heavily on my mind, here it is... my epic nightmaresque dream.
(The premise of this dream will show up in probably 2 of my fiction pieces I'm working on. Anyway, here we go. Because of how epic it was, I've given it a title and will be writing it in story form... first person narrative, which is not my normal thing. The main characters are me, my boyfriend, and a friend of mine from school, who I'll call "Anna.")
Escape from Conformity Estate
And there we were, standing before a large, palatial building. In large brass letters, we found the building was christened Conformity Estate. Neither me nor my boyfriend were aware why were called to this place, but we were instructed to come. And so we stood outside, looking at the strangely creepy beauty that stood ahead.
"Are we at the right place?" He asked of me.
I looked at a piece of paper. "Indeed we are."
"It looks like a..."
"School?"
He nodded.
I looked over my shoulder. Behind us, the sky was bright and sunny, not a cloud to be seen. There were no buildings on the other side of the horizon. It was as if Conformity Estate was the only place for miles. And so we walked in.
It was an enormous facility of glass walls and brightly polished metals. The place almost gave off its own light, everything glittered and shined. We both put our hands in our pockets and looked around. In the center of the place was, of all things, a very large swimming pool. It was occupied by a lot of swimmers, all peacefully going on about their routine.
Finally, a woman in business-like attire walked over. Her hair was pulled up and she wore glasses, the epitome of pomp and circumstance. "You must be the ones we sent for."
"We are," my boyfriend answered, sounding suspicious.
I stepped forward. "What do you want, exactly?"
The woman smiled with a strange look. "There's rumors going around about this place being unsafe, and we wanted you two to check it out for us."
"We're not professionals," we both replied in an odd unison.
She narrowed her eyes and smiled almost wickedly. "You know more than you think. Enjoy your stay at Conformity Estate."
My eyes went towards the swimming pool, where I caught the glimpse of somebody that seemed to stand out. Only then did I notice all the others, both male and female, looked exactly alike. Almost like beautiful, perfect little clones. But the girl I saw wasn't a blonde-haired reflection.
"Who are you?" I asked her.
"Anna," she replied. "You know it's not safe for you two to be here, right?"
I looked; suddenly I realized my boyfriend had wandered off. I looked down at Anna. "So we've heard. But why?"
"They say this place is cursed. Everybody here must be the same in all aspects. 'Originals' aren't tolerated." Anna explained.
"What's an 'original?'" I asked.
"Somebody who doesn't look like the rest. Originals are known to meet horrible fates."
"Can't you just leave?"
Anna shook her head. "Once you enter here, you're trapped. You'll never leave."
I knelt down to be at Anna's face level. "That's about to change." Suddenly, I was shoved from behind, falling into the water. The depth was immense, and I flailed until I pulled my head above the water. But two of the conformed females grabbed my throat and drug me under the waves. A foot smashed into my throat and held my writhing body beneath the waters. I clawed and scratched at the foot on my neck, the water around my eyes turning red. Suddenly, the water moved violently around me, and I saw Anna pounce upon one of the copies. The other clone pulled a switch, and the water began to drain. My hair became entangled in one of the drains, and I desperately reached a hand up, my eyes rolling back.
"Are you okay?" My boyfriend had pulled me out of the water, staring at me as I hyperventilated and choked wildly.
"I warned you," Anna said, climbing out onto the side. "The only reason that's not happened to me is because I oblige and do what they say."
"What is this place?" He asked of our new friend as I regained my breath. She explained again, and the three of us decided it was time to find our way out of Conformity Estate.
I looked up at the staircase. "What's up there?"
"There's no second floor," Anna said with a shrug. "Those stairs are just there."
"That's strange." My love and I said together.
Anna turned and looked horrified. "The curse of Conformity Estate is upon us!"
We turned around and saw a large tornado falling out of the sky and barreling towards the facility.
"Quick, you got a basement?" I asked, my eyes plastered to the monster spiraling towards the estate.
"Yeah... deep underground," Anna said, voice trembling.
"Then go. Take my boyfriend with you, and go."
He glared at me and snapped, "Forget it. You're coming with me or I'm staying with you."
By now, people were dashing around like crazy, in a wild panic. Windows began getting blown out. I wanted to stay and witness the storm, but I felt my sleeve being tugged on.
"We have to go!" He was insisting, now tugging on my arm. We were having to shout to be heard over the monster twister.
I turned and looked at it, seeing houses from beyond the horizon being sucked away. I then turned to Anna. "Take us there! Now!"
The three of us started for a large staircase as large pieces of the building began raining down from the ceiling. We found the doorway, but found it refusing to budge. The winds were penetrating into the building, and the lights were shattered. The three of us pulled on the door with all our might until it flung open. We nearly jumped down the fifteen steps, only to find the twister's base coming into the basement with us.
"There's a shelter somewhere in here," Anna said quickly. "We have to go fast!"
I stepped towards the storm. "What about the headmaster of this place?"
"There's no time for that," my love insisted, almost growling at me.
A large blast of lightning shot inbetween the three of us, sending us sprinting down a corridor that seemed to never end. Finally, the shelter showed up. My boyfriend and I turned to a large glass window and watched in horror as a group of girls were sucked into the swirling winds. We threw ourselves into the shelter, where twenty others were shivering and hiding. I threw my weight against the door, which was vibrating with the force of the storm.
"Oh God," somebody cried. "We're not gonna live through this!"
"We will!" I insisted, shoving my shoulder hard into the door. My boyfriend pushed his against the door also and interlaced his fingers into mine. We both closed our eyes and held our weight against the door and it bucked and rattled wildly. Anna shrieked from behind us as the door threw itself forward. We quickly shoved ourselves against it harder, almost injuring ourselves in the process.
"Let it go!" She cried. "You'll get killed!"
The anger of the storm gained its height, and the door exploded into splinters. The force of the explosion was so much that it knocked the both of us back several feet, the wall of the bunker the only thing catching us. We were surrounded by clones and copies, all murmuring their distress. The storm's rage seemed to calm, but everybody was afraid to move.
"Are you two okay?" Anna asked, almost panicking.
"We can't stay here," I said, growling with pain. "This place will kill all of us if we don't get out..."
"Don't say that," my love snapped at me.
"It will!" I insisted. "I bet you there is a second floor, and I bet that 'headmaster' has something to do with this."
"How are you going to prove that?" Anna asked.
I got up and walked out into what was supposed to be utter devastation. Instead, everything was just as immaculate as when we had arrived. A door had seemed to appear out of nowhere, and a class of sorts was in session.
"Look at the person next to you," the teacher said calmly, robotically. "Odds are, the person next to you will probably not pass this test. They probably won't make it."
"Does he mean simply failing?" My boyfriend asked, eyebrow raised in distress.
"I doubt it," I responded, then started for the ground floor.
"Where are you going?" He shouted after me.
"To prove my point!"
I ran outside, looking up at the stain-glass mural that was above the place. There was a strange light coming from behind it, and I jumped as if it would give me a better view. Oddly, I levitated instead, and found with each successful hop, I'd float higher. If I kicked my feet gently, my descent would be slow. Jumping wildly, I "flew" to the window.
"Get down from there!" I heard my friends yelling at me. I ignored them; I was being pulled towards the strange light.
I kicked at the glass of the mural, finding it very sturdy. Focusing, I channeled my pain from earlier and, growling loudly, proceeded to thrash the window until it shattered. Inside I found several computers. One was processing names; one showed a list of changes that needed to be made to certain people; the last had a panel of buttons that controlled various weather affects as well as the inhabitants of the place.
"I knew it!" I cried excitedly down to my friends. The joy was short-lived, as I was snatched into the strange room. The glass was immediately repaired, and I found myself face to face with the same woman.
"I won't have an original jeopardizing the standards of Conformity Estate," she said. "I brought the two of you here to conform!"
"You only have me," I replied. "And you won't be getting him... and you won't be keeping me for long."
"This is an elaborate and intricate process," she explained. "You rebel now, but you, your boyfriend, and your friend... you'll all conform. You'll all be happy residents of Conformity Estate. Everybody conforms... this is life."
"Not for me... not for us." I threw my battered body at the machines in an effort to destroy them. They shattered, pelting me with glass and shocking me as their circuits shorted out.
"You'll die!" She threatened as I stood, unsteady but tall. "You are trying to ruin the conformity!"
"To the end of Conformity Estate," I whispered, running at the window and tossing myself out of it. I fell into the grip of my two allies, and the three of us watched Conformity Estate begin to decay and fall to pieces.
"A successful escape from Conformity Estate," Anna breathed in surprise. "They said it could never be done."
I inhaled deeply as if to say something, but instead my eyes went back in my head. I felt myself lifted from the ground and carried to a cold but soft mattress of sorts. And with the escape from Conformity Estate, I let myself lapse into unconsciousness.
(The premise of this dream will show up in probably 2 of my fiction pieces I'm working on. Anyway, here we go. Because of how epic it was, I've given it a title and will be writing it in story form... first person narrative, which is not my normal thing. The main characters are me, my boyfriend, and a friend of mine from school, who I'll call "Anna.")
And there we were, standing before a large, palatial building. In large brass letters, we found the building was christened Conformity Estate. Neither me nor my boyfriend were aware why were called to this place, but we were instructed to come. And so we stood outside, looking at the strangely creepy beauty that stood ahead.
"Are we at the right place?" He asked of me.
I looked at a piece of paper. "Indeed we are."
"It looks like a..."
"School?"
He nodded.
I looked over my shoulder. Behind us, the sky was bright and sunny, not a cloud to be seen. There were no buildings on the other side of the horizon. It was as if Conformity Estate was the only place for miles. And so we walked in.
It was an enormous facility of glass walls and brightly polished metals. The place almost gave off its own light, everything glittered and shined. We both put our hands in our pockets and looked around. In the center of the place was, of all things, a very large swimming pool. It was occupied by a lot of swimmers, all peacefully going on about their routine.
Finally, a woman in business-like attire walked over. Her hair was pulled up and she wore glasses, the epitome of pomp and circumstance. "You must be the ones we sent for."
"We are," my boyfriend answered, sounding suspicious.
I stepped forward. "What do you want, exactly?"
The woman smiled with a strange look. "There's rumors going around about this place being unsafe, and we wanted you two to check it out for us."
"We're not professionals," we both replied in an odd unison.
She narrowed her eyes and smiled almost wickedly. "You know more than you think. Enjoy your stay at Conformity Estate."
My eyes went towards the swimming pool, where I caught the glimpse of somebody that seemed to stand out. Only then did I notice all the others, both male and female, looked exactly alike. Almost like beautiful, perfect little clones. But the girl I saw wasn't a blonde-haired reflection.
"Who are you?" I asked her.
"Anna," she replied. "You know it's not safe for you two to be here, right?"
I looked; suddenly I realized my boyfriend had wandered off. I looked down at Anna. "So we've heard. But why?"
"They say this place is cursed. Everybody here must be the same in all aspects. 'Originals' aren't tolerated." Anna explained.
"What's an 'original?'" I asked.
"Somebody who doesn't look like the rest. Originals are known to meet horrible fates."
"Can't you just leave?"
Anna shook her head. "Once you enter here, you're trapped. You'll never leave."
I knelt down to be at Anna's face level. "That's about to change." Suddenly, I was shoved from behind, falling into the water. The depth was immense, and I flailed until I pulled my head above the water. But two of the conformed females grabbed my throat and drug me under the waves. A foot smashed into my throat and held my writhing body beneath the waters. I clawed and scratched at the foot on my neck, the water around my eyes turning red. Suddenly, the water moved violently around me, and I saw Anna pounce upon one of the copies. The other clone pulled a switch, and the water began to drain. My hair became entangled in one of the drains, and I desperately reached a hand up, my eyes rolling back.
"Are you okay?" My boyfriend had pulled me out of the water, staring at me as I hyperventilated and choked wildly.
"I warned you," Anna said, climbing out onto the side. "The only reason that's not happened to me is because I oblige and do what they say."
"What is this place?" He asked of our new friend as I regained my breath. She explained again, and the three of us decided it was time to find our way out of Conformity Estate.
I looked up at the staircase. "What's up there?"
"There's no second floor," Anna said with a shrug. "Those stairs are just there."
"That's strange." My love and I said together.
Anna turned and looked horrified. "The curse of Conformity Estate is upon us!"
We turned around and saw a large tornado falling out of the sky and barreling towards the facility.
"Quick, you got a basement?" I asked, my eyes plastered to the monster spiraling towards the estate.
"Yeah... deep underground," Anna said, voice trembling.
"Then go. Take my boyfriend with you, and go."
He glared at me and snapped, "Forget it. You're coming with me or I'm staying with you."
By now, people were dashing around like crazy, in a wild panic. Windows began getting blown out. I wanted to stay and witness the storm, but I felt my sleeve being tugged on.
"We have to go!" He was insisting, now tugging on my arm. We were having to shout to be heard over the monster twister.
I turned and looked at it, seeing houses from beyond the horizon being sucked away. I then turned to Anna. "Take us there! Now!"
The three of us started for a large staircase as large pieces of the building began raining down from the ceiling. We found the doorway, but found it refusing to budge. The winds were penetrating into the building, and the lights were shattered. The three of us pulled on the door with all our might until it flung open. We nearly jumped down the fifteen steps, only to find the twister's base coming into the basement with us.
"There's a shelter somewhere in here," Anna said quickly. "We have to go fast!"
I stepped towards the storm. "What about the headmaster of this place?"
"There's no time for that," my love insisted, almost growling at me.
A large blast of lightning shot inbetween the three of us, sending us sprinting down a corridor that seemed to never end. Finally, the shelter showed up. My boyfriend and I turned to a large glass window and watched in horror as a group of girls were sucked into the swirling winds. We threw ourselves into the shelter, where twenty others were shivering and hiding. I threw my weight against the door, which was vibrating with the force of the storm.
"Oh God," somebody cried. "We're not gonna live through this!"
"We will!" I insisted, shoving my shoulder hard into the door. My boyfriend pushed his against the door also and interlaced his fingers into mine. We both closed our eyes and held our weight against the door and it bucked and rattled wildly. Anna shrieked from behind us as the door threw itself forward. We quickly shoved ourselves against it harder, almost injuring ourselves in the process.
"Let it go!" She cried. "You'll get killed!"
The anger of the storm gained its height, and the door exploded into splinters. The force of the explosion was so much that it knocked the both of us back several feet, the wall of the bunker the only thing catching us. We were surrounded by clones and copies, all murmuring their distress. The storm's rage seemed to calm, but everybody was afraid to move.
"Are you two okay?" Anna asked, almost panicking.
"We can't stay here," I said, growling with pain. "This place will kill all of us if we don't get out..."
"Don't say that," my love snapped at me.
"It will!" I insisted. "I bet you there is a second floor, and I bet that 'headmaster' has something to do with this."
"How are you going to prove that?" Anna asked.
I got up and walked out into what was supposed to be utter devastation. Instead, everything was just as immaculate as when we had arrived. A door had seemed to appear out of nowhere, and a class of sorts was in session.
"Look at the person next to you," the teacher said calmly, robotically. "Odds are, the person next to you will probably not pass this test. They probably won't make it."
"Does he mean simply failing?" My boyfriend asked, eyebrow raised in distress.
"I doubt it," I responded, then started for the ground floor.
"Where are you going?" He shouted after me.
"To prove my point!"
I ran outside, looking up at the stain-glass mural that was above the place. There was a strange light coming from behind it, and I jumped as if it would give me a better view. Oddly, I levitated instead, and found with each successful hop, I'd float higher. If I kicked my feet gently, my descent would be slow. Jumping wildly, I "flew" to the window.
"Get down from there!" I heard my friends yelling at me. I ignored them; I was being pulled towards the strange light.
I kicked at the glass of the mural, finding it very sturdy. Focusing, I channeled my pain from earlier and, growling loudly, proceeded to thrash the window until it shattered. Inside I found several computers. One was processing names; one showed a list of changes that needed to be made to certain people; the last had a panel of buttons that controlled various weather affects as well as the inhabitants of the place.
"I knew it!" I cried excitedly down to my friends. The joy was short-lived, as I was snatched into the strange room. The glass was immediately repaired, and I found myself face to face with the same woman.
"I won't have an original jeopardizing the standards of Conformity Estate," she said. "I brought the two of you here to conform!"
"You only have me," I replied. "And you won't be getting him... and you won't be keeping me for long."
"This is an elaborate and intricate process," she explained. "You rebel now, but you, your boyfriend, and your friend... you'll all conform. You'll all be happy residents of Conformity Estate. Everybody conforms... this is life."
"Not for me... not for us." I threw my battered body at the machines in an effort to destroy them. They shattered, pelting me with glass and shocking me as their circuits shorted out.
"You'll die!" She threatened as I stood, unsteady but tall. "You are trying to ruin the conformity!"
"To the end of Conformity Estate," I whispered, running at the window and tossing myself out of it. I fell into the grip of my two allies, and the three of us watched Conformity Estate begin to decay and fall to pieces.
"A successful escape from Conformity Estate," Anna breathed in surprise. "They said it could never be done."
I inhaled deeply as if to say something, but instead my eyes went back in my head. I felt myself lifted from the ground and carried to a cold but soft mattress of sorts. And with the escape from Conformity Estate, I let myself lapse into unconsciousness.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Cold, Photography, Music, and Poetry.
Last night I just about froze myself to death. We took Steve's new car around town (well, 3 towns) late last night, and I sat in the back seat in my short sleeves and shorts, freezing, as we had to keep the windows rolled down. I was shivering when we got home, but it's given me some sort of inspiration.
Today I spent a bit of time out in the woods around the house just taking random photos. I used to be a good photographer, and I was randomly inspired by the trees and the way the light was hitting them.
I'm listening to one of the 40 new songs I downloaded... it's called "The Funeral," and is pretty much eerie ambient music. It's very sad and creepy, but excellent writing music. In fact... yes... that's right... I'm going to write a poem. It's been a while since I have.
Sort of a pre-Halloween deal.
The Existing Non-Existence
The darkest little shadow
Sits alone along the wall
Eyes are black
And face is pale
With no features to be seen,
And it just stares.
When finally it begins to move
A cold wind is stirred
The shadow traces a wispy hand
Along the wall
But feels no texture.
Its feet never once do touch
The floor,
And yet it drifts forward.
Its eyes come across
A young woman in her bed.
The shadow curiously inches forward
And leans its misted form
Reaches a hand out to touch her.
It makes a sound.
The young female opens an eye
And shudders from a strange cold
Sits upright and looks out
Into the darkness of the room.
There is nothing.
The shadow is shy,
But longs for attention.
And so the woman returns to sleep.
The shadow moves forward again
Tilts its head once to the side
And gently brushes its hand
Across the slumbering girl's face.
The shadow feels her warmth
And the life that radiates within.
The woman gives off a light
That the shadow can't help but crave.
It touches her again,
And wails with lonliness.
She sits upright,
Startled by the moaning cry
And spies the agonized shadow
As it walks back into the darkness.
It turns around
And stares her in the eye.
Makes her jump with fright,
And disappears into the depths once more.
The woman sits up,
Feeling not afraid
But sympathetically sad
For the lonely isolation of the
Existing non-existence.
Today I spent a bit of time out in the woods around the house just taking random photos. I used to be a good photographer, and I was randomly inspired by the trees and the way the light was hitting them.
I'm listening to one of the 40 new songs I downloaded... it's called "The Funeral," and is pretty much eerie ambient music. It's very sad and creepy, but excellent writing music. In fact... yes... that's right... I'm going to write a poem. It's been a while since I have.
Sort of a pre-Halloween deal.
The darkest little shadow
Sits alone along the wall
Eyes are black
And face is pale
With no features to be seen,
And it just stares.
When finally it begins to move
A cold wind is stirred
The shadow traces a wispy hand
Along the wall
But feels no texture.
Its feet never once do touch
The floor,
And yet it drifts forward.
Its eyes come across
A young woman in her bed.
The shadow curiously inches forward
And leans its misted form
Reaches a hand out to touch her.
It makes a sound.
The young female opens an eye
And shudders from a strange cold
Sits upright and looks out
Into the darkness of the room.
There is nothing.
The shadow is shy,
But longs for attention.
And so the woman returns to sleep.
The shadow moves forward again
Tilts its head once to the side
And gently brushes its hand
Across the slumbering girl's face.
The shadow feels her warmth
And the life that radiates within.
The woman gives off a light
That the shadow can't help but crave.
It touches her again,
And wails with lonliness.
She sits upright,
Startled by the moaning cry
And spies the agonized shadow
As it walks back into the darkness.
It turns around
And stares her in the eye.
Makes her jump with fright,
And disappears into the depths once more.
The woman sits up,
Feeling not afraid
But sympathetically sad
For the lonely isolation of the
Existing non-existence.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Rainy Day Makes Things Slow.
It's one of those nice, dreary, rainy autumn days. The "road trip" won't be happening this weekend, so I won't be seeing what my sister's college campus looks like. Ah well.
Mama's hiding out in the garage, doing the daily crossword. Shelby's laying on the couch downstairs taking a nap. I'm upstairs watching the rain, contemplating a nap myself. In the meantime, I'm listening to some random television program, as I haven't bothered to change the channel.
I figure I'll spend some time updating my media player and adding new songs, then maybe catch a nap or read a book. Unless Mama convinces Shelby to go out somewhere, and then I'll tag along. I may pull out the camera sometime soon and just snap some pictures of the rainy weather and the woods around the house, as I'm randomly inspired by the grey sky and the bright fall colors.
I like rainy weather. It always inspires me to sit back, calm from my normal hyperactive state, and "hang out" in my intellectual side. I wind up coming out of rainy days with all kinds of story inspirations. And writing is nice.
I'm off for now.
Mama's hiding out in the garage, doing the daily crossword. Shelby's laying on the couch downstairs taking a nap. I'm upstairs watching the rain, contemplating a nap myself. In the meantime, I'm listening to some random television program, as I haven't bothered to change the channel.
I figure I'll spend some time updating my media player and adding new songs, then maybe catch a nap or read a book. Unless Mama convinces Shelby to go out somewhere, and then I'll tag along. I may pull out the camera sometime soon and just snap some pictures of the rainy weather and the woods around the house, as I'm randomly inspired by the grey sky and the bright fall colors.
I like rainy weather. It always inspires me to sit back, calm from my normal hyperactive state, and "hang out" in my intellectual side. I wind up coming out of rainy days with all kinds of story inspirations. And writing is nice.
I'm off for now.
Notice.
I just want to apologize in advance if I seem short, snippy, or distant. I'm not meaning to be, but I'm suffering some chronic headaches right now that are really putting me out of alignment.
(Even as we speak, I've got an 8 on my hands.)
I don't mean to be short, snippy, mean, distant, or not talkative. I'm just trying to adapt to the locale I'm situated in... and I'm trying to overcome some very nasty headache problems.
If it continues at this strength, I'll be visiting a doctor on Monday. I can't handle this kind of pain and pressure on a regular basis.
Time to try and sleep it off... I've got a road trip to tend to tomorrow, and I don't need headaches giving me grief.
Good night... I hope...
(Even as we speak, I've got an 8 on my hands.)
I don't mean to be short, snippy, mean, distant, or not talkative. I'm just trying to adapt to the locale I'm situated in... and I'm trying to overcome some very nasty headache problems.
If it continues at this strength, I'll be visiting a doctor on Monday. I can't handle this kind of pain and pressure on a regular basis.
Time to try and sleep it off... I've got a road trip to tend to tomorrow, and I don't need headaches giving me grief.
Good night... I hope...
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Before I Collapse.
I'm about to literally just collapse. On my little 1 - 100 scale of strength/stamina/energy/consciousness, I'm maybe at a 5.
The trip up here was alright up until the last 20 miles of it (It's a 75 mile trip, one way). The roads have been butchered severely from construction, and they have barriers established on either sides of the road... too close to the road. It practically looks like you're gonna smash into it if you don't ride the center line. And with traffic moving at a clip of 75 to 80 mph, it's not exactly a carefree adventure.
I got caught up in a caravan of tractor trailers... the middle rig being a loaded fuel tanker. I was riding practically parallel with him when the barriers kicked in on either side, forcing us both to have to shift towards the center line. We were maybe 3 feet from each other, and rode this way for a full mile. I was terrified, and soooo relieved to get off the expressway.
The house... has changed. The garage is now a bit of a hangout where we play darts, listen to the radio, and sit around and socialize. Apparently it's a good place on weeknights when Mike has to work and silence is needed. I've suggested getting a small television so we can hook my gaming consoles up and have a rocking time, but that's a trip for another day.
Mama is smoking again, which worries me. She says she has no intentions of continuing it for long and started up again (after at least 10 years of going without) while trying to get off her medications... a task that she unfortunately could not pass.
As a result of inhaling the smoke and the remnants of paint fumes from the house renovations and the garage re-painting, my lungs have gone into shock. I've been coughing violently and hysterically for the past hour... so much that my chest hurts with every breath and I'm having troubles breathing. The entire airway is constricted, and I'll probably be reaching for my emergency inhaler sometime later. For now, we're hoping cough syrup will remedy it.
I got to be mauled by animals. Which reminds me... my pets have random nicknames.
Max, according to me, is called "Maxamillion." Due to Charlie being so big, I've grown fancy to calling him "Belly" (XD). Nitro is affectionately known as "Ni'ro." Romeo has somehow earned the nickname of "Memo." I decided to start calling Cola "Budderboo," as it's a silly name and he's a silly dog. Shasta is "McNasty..." she has been since she was a pup. I like to call Snoopy "Little Man" because he thinks he's some kinda human.
Yeah... a lot of people don't care much for that sorta stuff.
So yeah. Aside from the painful hacking due to me inhaling things I really have no business being anywhere near, it's been a good day. I smell like dog and bug spray, and look very rough around the edges. It's time for me to collapse into bed, where I'll probably not even bother changing into pajamas and will just pass out the second I hit the pillow.
Dani's tired.
The trip up here was alright up until the last 20 miles of it (It's a 75 mile trip, one way). The roads have been butchered severely from construction, and they have barriers established on either sides of the road... too close to the road. It practically looks like you're gonna smash into it if you don't ride the center line. And with traffic moving at a clip of 75 to 80 mph, it's not exactly a carefree adventure.
I got caught up in a caravan of tractor trailers... the middle rig being a loaded fuel tanker. I was riding practically parallel with him when the barriers kicked in on either side, forcing us both to have to shift towards the center line. We were maybe 3 feet from each other, and rode this way for a full mile. I was terrified, and soooo relieved to get off the expressway.
The house... has changed. The garage is now a bit of a hangout where we play darts, listen to the radio, and sit around and socialize. Apparently it's a good place on weeknights when Mike has to work and silence is needed. I've suggested getting a small television so we can hook my gaming consoles up and have a rocking time, but that's a trip for another day.
Mama is smoking again, which worries me. She says she has no intentions of continuing it for long and started up again (after at least 10 years of going without) while trying to get off her medications... a task that she unfortunately could not pass.
As a result of inhaling the smoke and the remnants of paint fumes from the house renovations and the garage re-painting, my lungs have gone into shock. I've been coughing violently and hysterically for the past hour... so much that my chest hurts with every breath and I'm having troubles breathing. The entire airway is constricted, and I'll probably be reaching for my emergency inhaler sometime later. For now, we're hoping cough syrup will remedy it.
I got to be mauled by animals. Which reminds me... my pets have random nicknames.
Max, according to me, is called "Maxamillion." Due to Charlie being so big, I've grown fancy to calling him "Belly" (XD). Nitro is affectionately known as "Ni'ro." Romeo has somehow earned the nickname of "Memo." I decided to start calling Cola "Budderboo," as it's a silly name and he's a silly dog. Shasta is "McNasty..." she has been since she was a pup. I like to call Snoopy "Little Man" because he thinks he's some kinda human.
Yeah... a lot of people don't care much for that sorta stuff.
So yeah. Aside from the painful hacking due to me inhaling things I really have no business being anywhere near, it's been a good day. I smell like dog and bug spray, and look very rough around the edges. It's time for me to collapse into bed, where I'll probably not even bother changing into pajamas and will just pass out the second I hit the pillow.
Dani's tired.
The Hours Before.
Well, today is gonna be a busy day. I talked to Mama, who said she refused to schedule a doctor's appointment today because I was coming home, and she sounded so excited... kinda like a little child almost. So I guess I'd better be alert and energetic.
Anyway, that's not what I feel like writing about this morning.
I've been having lovely dreams lately, which has made me happy. In every dream, my wonderful love is there, and even if in the dream we're just sitting around doing nothing, I wake up happy and smiling. The situations vary, but they've all been pleasant and light in nature, and it makes me so happy. ^^
I love him so much. I don't think I've ever known somebody that when I talk to him, it's as if I've known him all my life. If I want to be silly, he'll be silly with me; if I want to have one of those rare serious conversation, he's willing to be there for that, too. I don't have to alter my personality or act any sort of manner, and I don't have to hold back my intellect with him. It makes me go through the day with my feet practically never touching the ground, and I don't think I can say I've ever been happier.
I love him so, so much. He stole my heart, and he treats it so well. ♥
Anyway, that's not what I feel like writing about this morning.
I've been having lovely dreams lately, which has made me happy. In every dream, my wonderful love is there, and even if in the dream we're just sitting around doing nothing, I wake up happy and smiling. The situations vary, but they've all been pleasant and light in nature, and it makes me so happy. ^^
I love him so much. I don't think I've ever known somebody that when I talk to him, it's as if I've known him all my life. If I want to be silly, he'll be silly with me; if I want to have one of those rare serious conversation, he's willing to be there for that, too. I don't have to alter my personality or act any sort of manner, and I don't have to hold back my intellect with him. It makes me go through the day with my feet practically never touching the ground, and I don't think I can say I've ever been happier.
I love him so, so much. He stole my heart, and he treats it so well. ♥
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Time for a Culture Shock
The time has finally come... that's right, Dani's going back to Newnan! ...For a few days. Time to hit the highway and take in the thrills of knowing the culture shock is coming.
(Oh, yeah. I'm back on the caffeine in preparation for the trip. I've had an energy drink and two cup of coffee's worth of caffeine. My brain's working at full alertness... and my body's got the jitters. Woo!)
Columbus--and life with Daddy--is a laid-back routine that rarely varies. School is from 8 to 10:15 on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays; 8 to 12:30 on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Wednesday is grocery day; the weekend is my "alone time." Dinner is at 6:15 almost every night, and you have to have a sharp mind and quick tongue to participate in the festivities of dinnertime conversation. Bedtime is often early, midnight being the latest; waking up occurs at 7:30 or 8 at the latest.
Newnan--life with Mama, Mike, and Shelby--is wild, fast-paced, and unscheduled. Activities occur whenever people wake up, and the insane amount of animals running about the house makes every day an adventure. Dinner may or may not be a "family affair," but you can expect the need to be cynically humorous to be a requirement when it occurs. Pop culture, politics, and morbid topics are often key discussion points. Jokes know no limits of perversion, rudeness, or crudeness. The house often springs to life by night, with the best time for fun being sometime after midnight.
In Columbus, I tend to be a bit more behaved (Stop laughing at that. I know you are.) and focused. In Newnan, it's a bit more spur-of-the-moment. In Newnan, my wild streak comes out with a vengeance, and it's almost as if I'm a totally different person. Even my language differs between households! Each house has its own set of inside jokes, stupid quotes everybody knows (and has the response--also a quote), vocabulary, and personality.
I'll be posting on here as often as I can during the time I'm away, although I do anticipate my time online won't be as drastically cut down as I originally anticipated. (But I do expect a slightly less amount of time available, primarily later in the day.) I've been told I might get to go on a trip to an abandoned building set for demolition, and I'm thrilled at the prospect. Especially because there's rumors of a decomposing... body of some kind hiding in the walls of the place.
There's also several large cemeteries in the vicinity of my house up there, and I hope to hit them. Especially the older one, because I'm fascinated at the idea of old gravesites.
I know for sure I'll come back with some entertaining (if not absolutely stupid) stories from the next few days. Mama's birthday is on Saturday, and that always provides for fun. Oh, and a road trip on Friday. Dani likes road trips. ^^
Tomorrow will be a fun day... just me, my car, and an hour swerving in and out of big rigs and drivers not paying any attention while traveling at 85mph or better. It'll be time to crank up the rock music and test to see if my driving skills have decreased.
The wild child is coming out to play!
(Oh, yeah. I'm back on the caffeine in preparation for the trip. I've had an energy drink and two cup of coffee's worth of caffeine. My brain's working at full alertness... and my body's got the jitters. Woo!)
Columbus--and life with Daddy--is a laid-back routine that rarely varies. School is from 8 to 10:15 on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays; 8 to 12:30 on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Wednesday is grocery day; the weekend is my "alone time." Dinner is at 6:15 almost every night, and you have to have a sharp mind and quick tongue to participate in the festivities of dinnertime conversation. Bedtime is often early, midnight being the latest; waking up occurs at 7:30 or 8 at the latest.
Newnan--life with Mama, Mike, and Shelby--is wild, fast-paced, and unscheduled. Activities occur whenever people wake up, and the insane amount of animals running about the house makes every day an adventure. Dinner may or may not be a "family affair," but you can expect the need to be cynically humorous to be a requirement when it occurs. Pop culture, politics, and morbid topics are often key discussion points. Jokes know no limits of perversion, rudeness, or crudeness. The house often springs to life by night, with the best time for fun being sometime after midnight.
In Columbus, I tend to be a bit more behaved (Stop laughing at that. I know you are.) and focused. In Newnan, it's a bit more spur-of-the-moment. In Newnan, my wild streak comes out with a vengeance, and it's almost as if I'm a totally different person. Even my language differs between households! Each house has its own set of inside jokes, stupid quotes everybody knows (and has the response--also a quote), vocabulary, and personality.
I'll be posting on here as often as I can during the time I'm away, although I do anticipate my time online won't be as drastically cut down as I originally anticipated. (But I do expect a slightly less amount of time available, primarily later in the day.) I've been told I might get to go on a trip to an abandoned building set for demolition, and I'm thrilled at the prospect. Especially because there's rumors of a decomposing... body of some kind hiding in the walls of the place.
There's also several large cemeteries in the vicinity of my house up there, and I hope to hit them. Especially the older one, because I'm fascinated at the idea of old gravesites.
I know for sure I'll come back with some entertaining (if not absolutely stupid) stories from the next few days. Mama's birthday is on Saturday, and that always provides for fun. Oh, and a road trip on Friday. Dani likes road trips. ^^
Tomorrow will be a fun day... just me, my car, and an hour swerving in and out of big rigs and drivers not paying any attention while traveling at 85mph or better. It'll be time to crank up the rock music and test to see if my driving skills have decreased.
The wild child is coming out to play!
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Pre-Bedtime Musings.
I bet I'll be napping tomorrow after class. I'm up late! ...Ha.
Right.
So I leave for Newnan after class on Wednesday, and I'll be out there until sometime Sunday. I'll probably still be online quite a bit, as things just sometimes get really dull and people will end up doing their own things a lot of the time. Worse comes to worse, I'll have a Nintendo 64, GameCube, and a sister that I can con into gaming with me. ...Maybe.
Tonight I went through some of my old blogs from last year. Back when things were turbulent... back when I was in a bad relationship... back when Mama wouldn't talk to me without being angry. Back when life sucked and I hated bridges simply for the fact I could imagine the fun of hurling myself off one.
When Mama was angry with me for so long... that was, by far, the most painful thing I had to go through. The one person in life that was supposed to love me no matter what couldn't talk to me without being angry and vindictive. I don't think I was ever happy during that time.
But that was a year ago. Today, I'm happy. I have a boyfriend that I love with all my heart and soul... My grades in college have improved dramatically... My family and I are no longer at ends. In a year, so much has changed.
I... am happy. So very, very happy.
Right.
So I leave for Newnan after class on Wednesday, and I'll be out there until sometime Sunday. I'll probably still be online quite a bit, as things just sometimes get really dull and people will end up doing their own things a lot of the time. Worse comes to worse, I'll have a Nintendo 64, GameCube, and a sister that I can con into gaming with me. ...Maybe.
Tonight I went through some of my old blogs from last year. Back when things were turbulent... back when I was in a bad relationship... back when Mama wouldn't talk to me without being angry. Back when life sucked and I hated bridges simply for the fact I could imagine the fun of hurling myself off one.
When Mama was angry with me for so long... that was, by far, the most painful thing I had to go through. The one person in life that was supposed to love me no matter what couldn't talk to me without being angry and vindictive. I don't think I was ever happy during that time.
But that was a year ago. Today, I'm happy. I have a boyfriend that I love with all my heart and soul... My grades in college have improved dramatically... My family and I are no longer at ends. In a year, so much has changed.
I... am happy. So very, very happy.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Daycare!
(Forgive any random bouncing/typos/general nonsense, I'm highly drowsy and hardly able to focus.)
I went to daycare--er, college--today. It was just like friggin' daycare.
My Public Speaking professor is out of the country on some trip to Japan. Instead of cancelling class, she asks the dean of the communication department to come in and show us a craptastic movie. And to make sure we watch it, she assigns us a 2-page essay assignment. Can you say "busy work?" Meh.
Anyway... I learned the dean of the communication department was the same professor who taught the Public Speaking class I flunked in my first semester... that was a fun flashback. Fortunately, he didn't recognize me, so I didn't have to talk to him.
The assignment is to write a 2-page essay about two speeches delivered in the movie. We're supposed to describe the speech and situation, explain how/why they succeeded/failed in delivering their message, and what happened as a result of the presentation. I've written down details on 3 performances, but there's nowhere near enough information there for a paper. She failed to mention that the speeches are simply 30-second segments that offer no information whatsoever.
I knocked out 150 pages in my latest book, which I didn't realize I'd never read before.
Geology class also had the professor absent (yet again), leaving us to watch another stupid documentary. But for 25 extra credit points, you sit down and shut your face... although immediately after the last question was answered, everybody left... despite there being 20 minutes left on the movie. It was a mass exodus that was hilariously worth being in class for.
In other news, I have no other news. I'm extremely drowsy... so much so that I may be buzzed on exhaustion, which is always fun. Fortunately though, I'm not gonna attempt anything stupid, so there will be no injuries tonight. ...At least none that I could've prevented.
I'm gonna get off here before I babble incessantly about something completely from left field. I'm drowsy enough to do it.
G'night.
I went to daycare--er, college--today. It was just like friggin' daycare.
My Public Speaking professor is out of the country on some trip to Japan. Instead of cancelling class, she asks the dean of the communication department to come in and show us a craptastic movie. And to make sure we watch it, she assigns us a 2-page essay assignment. Can you say "busy work?" Meh.
Anyway... I learned the dean of the communication department was the same professor who taught the Public Speaking class I flunked in my first semester... that was a fun flashback. Fortunately, he didn't recognize me, so I didn't have to talk to him.
The assignment is to write a 2-page essay about two speeches delivered in the movie. We're supposed to describe the speech and situation, explain how/why they succeeded/failed in delivering their message, and what happened as a result of the presentation. I've written down details on 3 performances, but there's nowhere near enough information there for a paper. She failed to mention that the speeches are simply 30-second segments that offer no information whatsoever.
I knocked out 150 pages in my latest book, which I didn't realize I'd never read before.
Geology class also had the professor absent (yet again), leaving us to watch another stupid documentary. But for 25 extra credit points, you sit down and shut your face... although immediately after the last question was answered, everybody left... despite there being 20 minutes left on the movie. It was a mass exodus that was hilariously worth being in class for.
In other news, I have no other news. I'm extremely drowsy... so much so that I may be buzzed on exhaustion, which is always fun. Fortunately though, I'm not gonna attempt anything stupid, so there will be no injuries tonight. ...At least none that I could've prevented.
I'm gonna get off here before I babble incessantly about something completely from left field. I'm drowsy enough to do it.
G'night.
Master of Multitasking! ...Sorta.
I'm gonna be attempting to dry and straighten my hair while trying to eat strawberry yogurt and drinking apple juice. (Because this is the breakfast of wannabe champions. XD) Odds are, I'll leave for school with juice on my shirt and yogurt on my pants. And wet hair.
As I thought, I woke up without the limp, and the wound finally let up on its bleeding assault. I thank the heavy gauze/medical tape combination I applied to my leg 10 minutes after the initial injury occurred. It was a good cut. XD
I get to go sit through a HIV/AIDS movie today, hoooooray! (Was the sarcasm noticeable?) She wants us to write a 2-page essay on it, which leaves me to think I may be able to get out of going both movie days. But knowing me and my nature, I'll go sit through the other day and draw, attending the class for the sake of attendance points. Mmmm, attendance points.
This is gonna be an interesting procedure, me watching this movie. I'm so squeamish that the mention of illnesses or medical terms will make me shudder and cringe. Bah. At least I have my apple juice and cartoons right now. XD
I feel like such a preschooler.
Okay. Time to eat my yogurt before I forget.
As I thought, I woke up without the limp, and the wound finally let up on its bleeding assault. I thank the heavy gauze/medical tape combination I applied to my leg 10 minutes after the initial injury occurred. It was a good cut. XD
I get to go sit through a HIV/AIDS movie today, hoooooray! (Was the sarcasm noticeable?) She wants us to write a 2-page essay on it, which leaves me to think I may be able to get out of going both movie days. But knowing me and my nature, I'll go sit through the other day and draw, attending the class for the sake of attendance points. Mmmm, attendance points.
This is gonna be an interesting procedure, me watching this movie. I'm so squeamish that the mention of illnesses or medical terms will make me shudder and cringe. Bah. At least I have my apple juice and cartoons right now. XD
I feel like such a preschooler.
Okay. Time to eat my yogurt before I forget.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Painful Lessons to Learn
It was rainy all day except during the times I could go play in it. Then when I could go play in it, it stormed violently and I couldn't. Bah! I wanted some rainy day romping. Oh well.
I've got to learn not to try and do things when I'm getting drowsy. It was a painful lesson to learn... just ask the cut on my leg that refuses to quit bleeding. I'm walking on a damn limp now, but it should go away in the morning, along with the stinging. Stupid sleepiness.
I'm gonna go settle in and watch a movie with Daddy for a while and try to ignore the burning wound. Tomorrow I get to have a boring day of video watching in class. Meh. Irritates me. Whatever happened to the good old days where a professor canceled class if s/he wasn't gonna be there? Why do they send their little cronies to make us watch stupid videos?
But that's a rant for another day.
I've got to learn not to try and do things when I'm getting drowsy. It was a painful lesson to learn... just ask the cut on my leg that refuses to quit bleeding. I'm walking on a damn limp now, but it should go away in the morning, along with the stinging. Stupid sleepiness.
I'm gonna go settle in and watch a movie with Daddy for a while and try to ignore the burning wound. Tomorrow I get to have a boring day of video watching in class. Meh. Irritates me. Whatever happened to the good old days where a professor canceled class if s/he wasn't gonna be there? Why do they send their little cronies to make us watch stupid videos?
But that's a rant for another day.
Poetics.
I wrote this after almost an hour of struggling to decide on a title. Anyway... my first rhyming piece in a while.
The Lost Connection
There used to be a connection
That kept two to one another.
But it came under sharp inspection
And cracks were soon discovered.
Carefully they tried to make repairs
But every time both seemed to fail.
Soon the connection turned to despair
And the two could not be well.
These were times of horrid disease
That ravaged through their love
Sickness ran rampant as it pleased
And the hugs were turned to shoves.
Emotional distance was its name
And it made it hard for them to mix.
Both were hiding, lost in shame…
Their connection would not be fixed.
Silly humor turned to aggression;
Happiness transformed inverse.
The hearts were thriving on depression
And the conversations on remorse.
But this wasn’t what they wanted
This wasn’t it at all.
No more happiness was flaunted
And the end was being stalled.
And there were tears, how there was tears!
They poured out in buckets and streams.
And all the fears… oh, so many fears!
They made nightmares of lovely dreams.
But the connection lived on somewhere
Yet buried far away.
Thriving on the remaining love and care
That’d fallen so far astray.
It was left to the broken ends
To make it right once more
If they ever wanted to connect again
To the other they so adored.
There used to be a connection
That kept two to one another.
But it came under sharp inspection
And cracks were soon discovered.
Carefully they tried to make repairs
But every time both seemed to fail.
Soon the connection turned to despair
And the two could not be well.
These were times of horrid disease
That ravaged through their love
Sickness ran rampant as it pleased
And the hugs were turned to shoves.
Emotional distance was its name
And it made it hard for them to mix.
Both were hiding, lost in shame…
Their connection would not be fixed.
Silly humor turned to aggression;
Happiness transformed inverse.
The hearts were thriving on depression
And the conversations on remorse.
But this wasn’t what they wanted
This wasn’t it at all.
No more happiness was flaunted
And the end was being stalled.
And there were tears, how there was tears!
They poured out in buckets and streams.
And all the fears… oh, so many fears!
They made nightmares of lovely dreams.
But the connection lived on somewhere
Yet buried far away.
Thriving on the remaining love and care
That’d fallen so far astray.
It was left to the broken ends
To make it right once more
If they ever wanted to connect again
To the other they so adored.
Stuff.
I get to walk about campus in the rain today.
The nice, cold, grey, gloomy rain.
This is going to be great. I love walking in the rain.
Especially when I'm feeling as gloomy as the weather outside.
Next week I'll be headed off to Newnan for a few days. Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and half of Sunday, in fact. Will be kind of different to be there. Not because there's all those animals, or because I won't be the only "child" of the house, or even because everybody there is much louder.
Nope. It'll be different because Mama sent me everything that was left in my room from up there. Every last piece of it. Even the pillows in the pillowcases from my bedset.
I should've expected it when she started the conversation on the phone with, "I want you to know we're not kicking you out, but..."
Ha. Ha ha. Hmm.
First thing I'm going to do when I get there is wrestle Max. I miss my Maxi baby, and I'm sure her roughhousing will cure the depression and mood swings I can't seem to shake off. Then I'm gonna pet Snoopy, snuggle the hell out of Charlie, and maybe go get mugged by the outside dogs.
Then I'll sit around with Mama for a long while, even if we simply watch TV.
Then I'll irritate Mike and try to get him to put me in a headlock.
Then when the night comes around, I'll hang out with Shelby and Steve, even if that means driving to Peachtree City at 3 AM just for the hell of something to do.
...Well, this is my fantasy, anyway. I like thinking that the habits are still the same.
Meh. It's pouring rain again.
It'll be a good day today. At least I'll have the rain.
The nice, cold, grey, gloomy rain.
This is going to be great. I love walking in the rain.
Especially when I'm feeling as gloomy as the weather outside.
Next week I'll be headed off to Newnan for a few days. Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and half of Sunday, in fact. Will be kind of different to be there. Not because there's all those animals, or because I won't be the only "child" of the house, or even because everybody there is much louder.
Nope. It'll be different because Mama sent me everything that was left in my room from up there. Every last piece of it. Even the pillows in the pillowcases from my bedset.
I should've expected it when she started the conversation on the phone with, "I want you to know we're not kicking you out, but..."
Ha. Ha ha. Hmm.
First thing I'm going to do when I get there is wrestle Max. I miss my Maxi baby, and I'm sure her roughhousing will cure the depression and mood swings I can't seem to shake off. Then I'm gonna pet Snoopy, snuggle the hell out of Charlie, and maybe go get mugged by the outside dogs.
Then I'll sit around with Mama for a long while, even if we simply watch TV.
Then I'll irritate Mike and try to get him to put me in a headlock.
Then when the night comes around, I'll hang out with Shelby and Steve, even if that means driving to Peachtree City at 3 AM just for the hell of something to do.
...Well, this is my fantasy, anyway. I like thinking that the habits are still the same.
Meh. It's pouring rain again.
It'll be a good day today. At least I'll have the rain.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Heartsick Rambles of a Confused Individual.
Ever heard the phrase "If you love them, let them go?"
That's why I'm writing this. Now where to begin.
What you see before you is an emotional rebel of a trainwreck who doesn't like to take things seriously and wants to have fun in life. Somebody who aspires to explore, adventure, never grow up, and love, but somebody who is hindered by over-sensitivity and emotional disorders that pour from her ears. I'd love to chase tornadoes and explore abandoned buildings. And in my ridiculous daydreams, I fantasize about a person standing at my side through all of it.
But I wake up.
I'm guilty of letting people walk all over me. Even my loved ones. Especially my loved ones. I let them punch me, beat me, kick me, and otherwise emotionally bash the royal goddamn hell out of me, and I always pick myself up, even if I've been battered within an inch of my life, smile, and forgive. Anything to make them happy. God forbid I become angry. I become angry, and people either accuse me of heartlessness or they think I hate them. So I bottle it. I bottle it and my depression and release it when it becomes necessary.
I'm my own fault for my disorders. For my manic depression, my inattentiveness, and my rare suicidal episodes that fortunately never go anywhere except sedating me to sleep. I used to sleep 13 hours at a time just to keep people from knowing I was in shambles. I run. I hide. Nobody needs to know. I'm strong. I'm tough. I can handle it.
But I can't. I'm the world's greatest actor. Put on the makeup. Put on the costume. Smile and pretend to be another happy life of society.
Goddamn it. It's not me.
When a loved one around me crumbles, so do I. I'm no help at all. All I can do is offer an ear to listen with, a shoulder to cry on, and open arms to fall into. But what happens when it just isn't enough? It hardly ever is, and then my goddamn sensitivity creeps up on me, and I wind up crying too. What the hell. How helpful am I.
When a loved one gets angry, I become scared and shy. I don't like anger. If anybody so much as raises their voice at me, I become the proverbial dog with its tail tucked between its legs. I run off and I hide, because I'm so fucking skittish and scared. I know I should be a voice of reason, but what use is a cowardly voice?
And what happens when no matter what you do, your love just doesn't feel like enough? You give everything you've got, and it's either too much or too little. You're either smothering or distant. What happens when you love the hell out of somebody, but it always winds up stand-offish? When you end a conversation abruptly and slam yourself into a pillow and cry until you run out of tears and out of breath? When you have visionary dreams of your lover glaring at you and walking away, never to bother with you again?
What do you do when you see them, but yet you want to run away and never come back because you're so afraid you'll upset them again?
What do you do when neither of you seem like you can control the emotions? When the love is there but the emotions are too high?
When you don't want to let go... you hold on tighter... so tight that your nails dig into your palms and you make yourself bleed?
When you don't want to let go because it'll all be better soon...
When you won't let go because you still daydream about that wonderful future looming somewhere out there in the distance?
When answering the questions doesn't help because you're only half of the equation.
When answering the questions is a scary thought because you may not like the answers you give yourself.
When answering is horrifying because you may feel one way and the other may not.
...
Tomorrow I'll get up and go to school. I'll take my notes and sit in my lectures, and through the glasses upon my face, I'll look just fine.
But the thoughts in my head and the drawings on my sketchpad will always tell the truth.
To quote the song I've been listening to for an hour:
"I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I can't take you hurting
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go...
That I just want you to know
I found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
The reason to start over new
And the reason is you."
~"The Reason" by Hoobastank
If you love them, let them go. If they come back, it was always meant to be. If they do not, then continue down the road alone.
That's why I'm writing this. Now where to begin.
What you see before you is an emotional rebel of a trainwreck who doesn't like to take things seriously and wants to have fun in life. Somebody who aspires to explore, adventure, never grow up, and love, but somebody who is hindered by over-sensitivity and emotional disorders that pour from her ears. I'd love to chase tornadoes and explore abandoned buildings. And in my ridiculous daydreams, I fantasize about a person standing at my side through all of it.
But I wake up.
I'm guilty of letting people walk all over me. Even my loved ones. Especially my loved ones. I let them punch me, beat me, kick me, and otherwise emotionally bash the royal goddamn hell out of me, and I always pick myself up, even if I've been battered within an inch of my life, smile, and forgive. Anything to make them happy. God forbid I become angry. I become angry, and people either accuse me of heartlessness or they think I hate them. So I bottle it. I bottle it and my depression and release it when it becomes necessary.
I'm my own fault for my disorders. For my manic depression, my inattentiveness, and my rare suicidal episodes that fortunately never go anywhere except sedating me to sleep. I used to sleep 13 hours at a time just to keep people from knowing I was in shambles. I run. I hide. Nobody needs to know. I'm strong. I'm tough. I can handle it.
But I can't. I'm the world's greatest actor. Put on the makeup. Put on the costume. Smile and pretend to be another happy life of society.
Goddamn it. It's not me.
When a loved one around me crumbles, so do I. I'm no help at all. All I can do is offer an ear to listen with, a shoulder to cry on, and open arms to fall into. But what happens when it just isn't enough? It hardly ever is, and then my goddamn sensitivity creeps up on me, and I wind up crying too. What the hell. How helpful am I.
When a loved one gets angry, I become scared and shy. I don't like anger. If anybody so much as raises their voice at me, I become the proverbial dog with its tail tucked between its legs. I run off and I hide, because I'm so fucking skittish and scared. I know I should be a voice of reason, but what use is a cowardly voice?
And what happens when no matter what you do, your love just doesn't feel like enough? You give everything you've got, and it's either too much or too little. You're either smothering or distant. What happens when you love the hell out of somebody, but it always winds up stand-offish? When you end a conversation abruptly and slam yourself into a pillow and cry until you run out of tears and out of breath? When you have visionary dreams of your lover glaring at you and walking away, never to bother with you again?
What do you do when you see them, but yet you want to run away and never come back because you're so afraid you'll upset them again?
What do you do when neither of you seem like you can control the emotions? When the love is there but the emotions are too high?
When you don't want to let go... you hold on tighter... so tight that your nails dig into your palms and you make yourself bleed?
When you don't want to let go because it'll all be better soon...
When you won't let go because you still daydream about that wonderful future looming somewhere out there in the distance?
When answering the questions doesn't help because you're only half of the equation.
When answering the questions is a scary thought because you may not like the answers you give yourself.
When answering is horrifying because you may feel one way and the other may not.
...
Tomorrow I'll get up and go to school. I'll take my notes and sit in my lectures, and through the glasses upon my face, I'll look just fine.
But the thoughts in my head and the drawings on my sketchpad will always tell the truth.
To quote the song I've been listening to for an hour:
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I can't take you hurting
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go...
That I just want you to know
I found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
The reason to start over new
And the reason is you."
~"The Reason" by Hoobastank
If you love them, let them go. If they come back, it was always meant to be. If they do not, then continue down the road alone.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Coming Out of the Rut
After having a rough go of things lately, I feel like I'm finally coming out of the rut.
My appetite has returned, and I eagerly consumed some pasta and milk.
I'm not afraid of going to sleep, and am actually quite tired. This is good, as I've not been sleeping well lately.
I'm laughing at things again, which is a great sign considering I spent most of the past week just being idle (though Friday did give me some good laughter time).
I generally have a smile on my face. That's proof enough.
I got to feel like I was protecting somebody tonight. I love feeling like somebody wants my protection. And it was a fun time.
Anyway, this show I'm watching ends in 10 minutes, then I'm laying down for bed.
I'm climbing out of the rut, and I'm feeling better.
My appetite has returned, and I eagerly consumed some pasta and milk.
I'm not afraid of going to sleep, and am actually quite tired. This is good, as I've not been sleeping well lately.
I'm laughing at things again, which is a great sign considering I spent most of the past week just being idle (though Friday did give me some good laughter time).
I generally have a smile on my face. That's proof enough.
I got to feel like I was protecting somebody tonight. I love feeling like somebody wants my protection. And it was a fun time.
Anyway, this show I'm watching ends in 10 minutes, then I'm laying down for bed.
I'm climbing out of the rut, and I'm feeling better.
A Dream Nobody Should Ever Have.
Last night put me through at least ten levels of hell, if not more. Amongst everything else that happened, I was hoping the sleeping world would've provided some sort of escape. It did not.
My night terrors flared up and left me unable to move and breathe. Worse still, they kicked in right after Daddy left for work, leaving me alone to fight them off. Instead of just a 10-minute deal, I was tormented for 2 hours in a dream nobody should ever have.
Lately I've been having a repeating location in my dreams. A strange hotelesque apartment complex in which there are no working lights but electricity. Candles light the place, and I share the room with somebody... the person varies from dream to dream.
Anyway.
The dream I had started off here in this little room, where I woke up alone. I lit the candles and set the alarm for some weird time... I can't recall. I went into the main area of the apartment, where Mama and Mike usually were, and found it empty. Looked down into the backyard, and the pets were gone. I knocked on other doors but the place was deserted, and I'd been abandoned.
I walked around the large field that made up the front yard, and saw what looked like Shelby standing on the other side, just staring at me. I waved at her and she waved back, but a car passed by between us and she was gone. I ran to the location, but there was nothing there except for crushed grass, as if somebody had been standing there.
I heard talking and whirled around, seeing the apartment building suddenly inhabited and bustling. I walked in that direction, but the closer I got, the more dilapidated the building became, and the fewer the people I saw. Finally, I returned to the complex and found it falling to pieces and me alone again... as if decades upon decades had passed. But I was still young.
I found a strange looking copper stone in the front of the place, which I walked over and read. It said something like, "In honor of those lost in the disaster of 2008. No survivors were ever found in this building." It meant either I was a ghost, or I was the sole survivor that was never found. Regardless, it meant that everybody in my family was gone.
I walked into the apartment and lit all the candles, sitting in my little room, completely unsure of what to do. I heard weird rumbles of thunder outside, and the building started shaking. I went outside and saw my boyfriend standing there, almost as if he'd appeared out of nowhere.
"A storm's coming," he said, really calmly. It was almost robotic. I walked over and looked up as a huge funnel, larger than anything I've ever seen before, started falling from the sky.
I ran back towards the apartment building, but the storm devoured it. I grabbed onto the sidewalk for some reason and held on, but he just stood out in the middle of the field, just as I'd found him. I wanted to go to him, but things started battering me and finally rendered me unconscious.
I woke up sometime later and he was gone, no signs of him left to be seen. The building in front of me was completely destroyed, and I was laying in the middle of the field, where I eventually had landed in the storm, bleeding from many wounds but alive. I got up and looked around, but found I was blind in my right eye. There was nothing. Nothing in front, behind, or around me. But then, an ambulance siren. It raced down the field, and I ran weakly after it.
Just out of the range of my vision was the apartment complex, standing tall despite minor damage. And there was my family and my boyfriend, standing around something laying in the front yard of the complex.
"Why was she outside in the first place?" Mama asked in a sobbing voice. "She knew better than that."
"We don't know," one of the ambulance drivers said somberly. "But she's the only fatality in all of this."
So there I was, a ghost, forever meant to wander the empty fields alone... never to recover from my injuries... never to regain my vision in my right eye and never to lose the horrid limp. I was standing in front of everybody, but no one saw me there.
Just a ghost.
That's all I'd ever amount to be.
My night terrors flared up and left me unable to move and breathe. Worse still, they kicked in right after Daddy left for work, leaving me alone to fight them off. Instead of just a 10-minute deal, I was tormented for 2 hours in a dream nobody should ever have.
Lately I've been having a repeating location in my dreams. A strange hotelesque apartment complex in which there are no working lights but electricity. Candles light the place, and I share the room with somebody... the person varies from dream to dream.
Anyway.
The dream I had started off here in this little room, where I woke up alone. I lit the candles and set the alarm for some weird time... I can't recall. I went into the main area of the apartment, where Mama and Mike usually were, and found it empty. Looked down into the backyard, and the pets were gone. I knocked on other doors but the place was deserted, and I'd been abandoned.
I walked around the large field that made up the front yard, and saw what looked like Shelby standing on the other side, just staring at me. I waved at her and she waved back, but a car passed by between us and she was gone. I ran to the location, but there was nothing there except for crushed grass, as if somebody had been standing there.
I heard talking and whirled around, seeing the apartment building suddenly inhabited and bustling. I walked in that direction, but the closer I got, the more dilapidated the building became, and the fewer the people I saw. Finally, I returned to the complex and found it falling to pieces and me alone again... as if decades upon decades had passed. But I was still young.
I found a strange looking copper stone in the front of the place, which I walked over and read. It said something like, "In honor of those lost in the disaster of 2008. No survivors were ever found in this building." It meant either I was a ghost, or I was the sole survivor that was never found. Regardless, it meant that everybody in my family was gone.
I walked into the apartment and lit all the candles, sitting in my little room, completely unsure of what to do. I heard weird rumbles of thunder outside, and the building started shaking. I went outside and saw my boyfriend standing there, almost as if he'd appeared out of nowhere.
"A storm's coming," he said, really calmly. It was almost robotic. I walked over and looked up as a huge funnel, larger than anything I've ever seen before, started falling from the sky.
I ran back towards the apartment building, but the storm devoured it. I grabbed onto the sidewalk for some reason and held on, but he just stood out in the middle of the field, just as I'd found him. I wanted to go to him, but things started battering me and finally rendered me unconscious.
I woke up sometime later and he was gone, no signs of him left to be seen. The building in front of me was completely destroyed, and I was laying in the middle of the field, where I eventually had landed in the storm, bleeding from many wounds but alive. I got up and looked around, but found I was blind in my right eye. There was nothing. Nothing in front, behind, or around me. But then, an ambulance siren. It raced down the field, and I ran weakly after it.
Just out of the range of my vision was the apartment complex, standing tall despite minor damage. And there was my family and my boyfriend, standing around something laying in the front yard of the complex.
"Why was she outside in the first place?" Mama asked in a sobbing voice. "She knew better than that."
"We don't know," one of the ambulance drivers said somberly. "But she's the only fatality in all of this."
So there I was, a ghost, forever meant to wander the empty fields alone... never to recover from my injuries... never to regain my vision in my right eye and never to lose the horrid limp. I was standing in front of everybody, but no one saw me there.
Just a ghost.
That's all I'd ever amount to be.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Take It... Or Leave It.
Sorry for another poem... but.. what else am I supposed to do? It's all I know.
To date, this was the hardest, heaviest, strongest piece I've ever written. I was immediately in tears from the start, and aching from sobs when I read it again. This pieces means so much. I've never hurt harder over a piece of prose.
Take It or Leave It
I have for you
A simple request:
Take my heart
And run with it.
Please take it away,
And bury it far,
Keep it hidden in the depths
Of cold soil.
And leave it there.
But if you love it
And think it may be saved,
Then take it
And keep it safe somewhere,
But please don't
Let me know.
I'd rather it a funeral
Than a rebirth,
For being born again,
Means it'll die again.
If you do not love it so,
Then send it to the earth.
Dig a hole as far down
As you possibly can
And do not drop it--
Throw it.
With all the force you have,
Throw it down.
Make it quick, so the
Breaking isn't as painful.
Don't look at it again,
But rather cover it
And leaved the grave unmarked.
I will not want
To see it again.
But if you love it,
Then treat it tenderly
As it is wounded now.
Cradle it like an infant new
Keep it warm and safe.
Heal the scars and the cuts,
And teach it that it's okay
To beat and to feel
Because it has become afraid
To try.
Treat it well,
Teach it to love again.
I yearn for the end of
All this misery,
Whether my heart shall die
Or sail once more upon the sky.
I hand my heart to you
With a pair of rivers running
At flood stages.
I hand it over with shaking hand
And quivering lip.
I do not want it...
Maybe you do.
Such a neglected thing
An object so large, so pristine
A crystalline heart
In a dark and heavy chest
Within the body of a twisted soul.
How did this lovely gem
Come to fall into such neglectful hands
As mine?
It feels so much emotion.
It has so much affection.
It gives so much attention
But cracks with imperfection.
I have for you a simple request.
Upon my sleeve,
The fragile gemstone heart
And all it holds within.
I give it to you forever,
Take it or leave it.
To date, this was the hardest, heaviest, strongest piece I've ever written. I was immediately in tears from the start, and aching from sobs when I read it again. This pieces means so much. I've never hurt harder over a piece of prose.
I have for you
A simple request:
Take my heart
And run with it.
Please take it away,
And bury it far,
Keep it hidden in the depths
Of cold soil.
And leave it there.
But if you love it
And think it may be saved,
Then take it
And keep it safe somewhere,
But please don't
Let me know.
I'd rather it a funeral
Than a rebirth,
For being born again,
Means it'll die again.
If you do not love it so,
Then send it to the earth.
Dig a hole as far down
As you possibly can
And do not drop it--
Throw it.
With all the force you have,
Throw it down.
Make it quick, so the
Breaking isn't as painful.
Don't look at it again,
But rather cover it
And leaved the grave unmarked.
I will not want
To see it again.
But if you love it,
Then treat it tenderly
As it is wounded now.
Cradle it like an infant new
Keep it warm and safe.
Heal the scars and the cuts,
And teach it that it's okay
To beat and to feel
Because it has become afraid
To try.
Treat it well,
Teach it to love again.
I yearn for the end of
All this misery,
Whether my heart shall die
Or sail once more upon the sky.
I hand my heart to you
With a pair of rivers running
At flood stages.
I hand it over with shaking hand
And quivering lip.
I do not want it...
Maybe you do.
Such a neglected thing
An object so large, so pristine
A crystalline heart
In a dark and heavy chest
Within the body of a twisted soul.
How did this lovely gem
Come to fall into such neglectful hands
As mine?
It feels so much emotion.
It has so much affection.
It gives so much attention
But cracks with imperfection.
I have for you a simple request.
Upon my sleeve,
The fragile gemstone heart
And all it holds within.
I give it to you forever,
Take it or leave it.
An Accompanying Post.
This goes along with the post immediately below. I'm trying hard to stay on happier subjects, but... y'know? I just don't care to be happy right now.
Happily Wounded
In the corner
Sits a shaking mass--
Human form--
See it shudder
Just beyond the light there?
The floor around it
Littered
With crumbled wads of
Paper
Stained multiple colors:
Crystalesque blue,
Rusted, metallic red,
Cold and stony black.
The face on the human,
It smiles and cries
In a twisted harmony
Of miserable joy
Tells itself it's happy here
Sitting in its little corner
Isolated from the rest
Watches life through tightly
Closed window.
Soundproofs the walls
Dares not announce the cries
And shouts
Of anger and hurt
When the whip cracks down
Again.
Go ahead and lash out,
Take your whips and
Your belts,
Slice the air with your
Aggression
And wound its body with your
Demands.
The mass won't dare protest.
The body wouldn't dare resist.
Instead it retreats to its
Little hole in the wall
Screeches in a near demonic wail
Throws its happiness
Against the wall
The glassy shattering
Of somebody else's feelings
Goes silent.
The immense pain
Of somebody else's emotions
Is never noticed.
The cries of misery
Of somebody else's desires
Untold.
But you must be happy,
This shuddering body insists.
For she is happy...
She puts on her smiles,
Wears longer sleeves,
Applies makeup to her face,
Puts on a grand facade.
Anything for you.
Happily wounded, she will be.
In the corner
Sits a shaking mass--
Human form--
See it shudder
Just beyond the light there?
The floor around it
Littered
With crumbled wads of
Paper
Stained multiple colors:
Crystalesque blue,
Rusted, metallic red,
Cold and stony black.
The face on the human,
It smiles and cries
In a twisted harmony
Of miserable joy
Tells itself it's happy here
Sitting in its little corner
Isolated from the rest
Watches life through tightly
Closed window.
Soundproofs the walls
Dares not announce the cries
And shouts
Of anger and hurt
When the whip cracks down
Again.
Go ahead and lash out,
Take your whips and
Your belts,
Slice the air with your
Aggression
And wound its body with your
Demands.
The mass won't dare protest.
The body wouldn't dare resist.
Instead it retreats to its
Little hole in the wall
Screeches in a near demonic wail
Throws its happiness
Against the wall
The glassy shattering
Of somebody else's feelings
Goes silent.
The immense pain
Of somebody else's emotions
Is never noticed.
The cries of misery
Of somebody else's desires
Untold.
But you must be happy,
This shuddering body insists.
For she is happy...
She puts on her smiles,
Wears longer sleeves,
Applies makeup to her face,
Puts on a grand facade.
Anything for you.
Happily wounded, she will be.
The Two-Sided Object.
I've been working on my 104 story project, when I came across something that struck me.
The 104 story project is where you get 104 different topics or words, and you're supposed to write a short story on whatever is given to you. Words 28 and 29 were "light" and "dark." I was inspired to step out of the fictious world I've been writing these stories in, and scribble out two separate stories.
They are two separate stories, but they reflect on a solitary thing. Like a comparison. Anyway, here they are... enjoy the ride. Or don't, if you so choose.
Light
She's awake, and she's living the dream.
In the dead of night, in the farthest reaches of her sleep, the world brightens up and unleashes a wonderful film of happiness and joy. The sun beats upon her face with a gentle, loving warmth that goes beyond the surface and warms her heart. The breezes brush by and wrap her in a cool, calming embrace that lets her know that she's okay.
And now she wakes, and walks these dreams in the living world. Now the warm sun has an emotion, and the gentle breeze a body. No longer is it a loving ghost that she experiences only in the night; it's a living form that she has all the time.
When she's down, words of love and peace bring her emotions from the depths of sorrow. When she's feeling silly, she shares in her escapades and childish antics with a soul who can share in the simple pleasure of it all. When her mind is abuzz with deep and pensive thoughts, the conversation follows suit and gives her much to think about. When the lonely darkness of the night comes to take her in, she knows who she can think of to make it all go away. Much like a little candle that keeps the world warm and bright, or a song that only she and one other soul knows the lyrics to...
The world is light, and she is happy.
Dark
A tension mounts, and the clouds roll in. And in the midst of the storm, there she stands, unshielded and vulnerable.
Looking up at the sky, she shouts her threats and warning cries.
"Go ahead, try it. You think you can take me down? Let's see you give it a go." She spreads her arms wide, making herself a rod for the hot lightning she dares to make a mockery of. The rain pours and falls down her face, hiding the angry, wounded tears that fall from the reddened green eyes of her countenance.
She refuses to admit she's been wounded. Refuses to own up to the pain inflicted upon her body, even when the slashes and scratches pour with the red liquid of her dying existence.
If there is a weakness that she dares to reveal, it becomes a dagger thrust into her chest. It aims not for the lungs that give her the strength to live; it aims for the heart, where the will to go on hides. Strength is nothing without the willingness to press on.
Aim for the heart, and strike it slow. No, now is not the time to die quick and easily. Now's the time to make her suffer... now's the time to watch her break.
She closes her eyes, trying to escape the dark.
The 104 story project is where you get 104 different topics or words, and you're supposed to write a short story on whatever is given to you. Words 28 and 29 were "light" and "dark." I was inspired to step out of the fictious world I've been writing these stories in, and scribble out two separate stories.
They are two separate stories, but they reflect on a solitary thing. Like a comparison. Anyway, here they are... enjoy the ride. Or don't, if you so choose.
She's awake, and she's living the dream.
In the dead of night, in the farthest reaches of her sleep, the world brightens up and unleashes a wonderful film of happiness and joy. The sun beats upon her face with a gentle, loving warmth that goes beyond the surface and warms her heart. The breezes brush by and wrap her in a cool, calming embrace that lets her know that she's okay.
And now she wakes, and walks these dreams in the living world. Now the warm sun has an emotion, and the gentle breeze a body. No longer is it a loving ghost that she experiences only in the night; it's a living form that she has all the time.
When she's down, words of love and peace bring her emotions from the depths of sorrow. When she's feeling silly, she shares in her escapades and childish antics with a soul who can share in the simple pleasure of it all. When her mind is abuzz with deep and pensive thoughts, the conversation follows suit and gives her much to think about. When the lonely darkness of the night comes to take her in, she knows who she can think of to make it all go away. Much like a little candle that keeps the world warm and bright, or a song that only she and one other soul knows the lyrics to...
The world is light, and she is happy.
A tension mounts, and the clouds roll in. And in the midst of the storm, there she stands, unshielded and vulnerable.
Looking up at the sky, she shouts her threats and warning cries.
"Go ahead, try it. You think you can take me down? Let's see you give it a go." She spreads her arms wide, making herself a rod for the hot lightning she dares to make a mockery of. The rain pours and falls down her face, hiding the angry, wounded tears that fall from the reddened green eyes of her countenance.
She refuses to admit she's been wounded. Refuses to own up to the pain inflicted upon her body, even when the slashes and scratches pour with the red liquid of her dying existence.
If there is a weakness that she dares to reveal, it becomes a dagger thrust into her chest. It aims not for the lungs that give her the strength to live; it aims for the heart, where the will to go on hides. Strength is nothing without the willingness to press on.
Aim for the heart, and strike it slow. No, now is not the time to die quick and easily. Now's the time to make her suffer... now's the time to watch her break.
She closes her eyes, trying to escape the dark.
Friday, October 3, 2008
Will Probably be Deleted Tomorrow.
EDIT: 10:49 PM: Post deleted, as I said it would be.
And no, I'm not gonna bother saying what was in it. There's no point.
G'night.
And no, I'm not gonna bother saying what was in it. There's no point.
G'night.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Insert Subject, as I'm Lacking Originality.
Frighteningly enough, I'm sitting here watching the Vice Presidential debate. I must admit, I've been amused by the antics. Maybe I should watch political television more often.
At any rate.
I got my speech grade today. 60/70 for the presentation and 30/30 for the outline. Together, they average into a 93, which means I scored an A on the presentation I was certain I'd get a B on. (Keeping the grades separate, I did get a B on the presentation...)
I had to traverse the campus about 3 times this morning, taking care of some business. I found out that I'm just 3 credit hours shy of being an official college sophomore... Spring semester '09, and Dani's a sophomore. I also got around to changing my major, so sometime next week, I'll be an official Accounting major.
My former major was Management Information Systems (formerly Computer Information Systems Management). Not that anybody was curious. XD
Tomorrow evening, I get to spend a few hours with my family, in which the next youngest will be maybe 8 years older than me. As much as I love Granny and my family, I'm almost dreading it.
But maybe I'm just speaking with drowsiness and fatigue. Being a female gives you that wonderful monthly "gift," and every once in a while I get a present that drains the hell out of me. This just happens to be one of those presents.
Eh. There wasn't really much for me to say today. Is bedtime now.
At any rate.
I got my speech grade today. 60/70 for the presentation and 30/30 for the outline. Together, they average into a 93, which means I scored an A on the presentation I was certain I'd get a B on. (Keeping the grades separate, I did get a B on the presentation...)
I had to traverse the campus about 3 times this morning, taking care of some business. I found out that I'm just 3 credit hours shy of being an official college sophomore... Spring semester '09, and Dani's a sophomore. I also got around to changing my major, so sometime next week, I'll be an official Accounting major.
My former major was Management Information Systems (formerly Computer Information Systems Management). Not that anybody was curious. XD
Tomorrow evening, I get to spend a few hours with my family, in which the next youngest will be maybe 8 years older than me. As much as I love Granny and my family, I'm almost dreading it.
But maybe I'm just speaking with drowsiness and fatigue. Being a female gives you that wonderful monthly "gift," and every once in a while I get a present that drains the hell out of me. This just happens to be one of those presents.
Eh. There wasn't really much for me to say today. Is bedtime now.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Today, and Brooding
Getting a bit pensive lately, left to my own devices.
October is a busy month around my family. Five birthdays to celebrate, plus my college picks up in workload and I'm due in for midterm exams around the 20th.
Today I got to spend the day with Daddy and Granny. Originally the plan was for me to order out Chinese for lunch and take care of the house while Daddy handled Granny's doctor's appointment. However, when I was pulling to the driveway, he was about to leave, so I got to tag along.
The appointment was at 11, and supposedly we would be in, out, and eating lunch by 11:30. At 11:15, my hypoglycemia kicked in and left me struggling with a horrid headache and body shudders. I had to use a lot of energy to keep my shudders low, as Granny was sitting next to me, and I didn't want to worry her. She didn't get called back until noon, leaving me alone in the waiting room. I took off my glasses and tried to get the headache to cease but it refused. The shudders picked up, and continued until she was released from her appointment... at 1:00.
We finally got to eat at 1:30, and my blood sugar finally stabilized, leaving me feeling much better but very tired. Granny was sharp today, tossing around witticisms and sarcasms just as quick as Daddy could throw 'em out. Normally when I'm out with them, I sit quietly and listen, as they always amuse me.
When we were planning to leave, Daddy said, "Alright Mama, we're gonna run."
Without missing a beat, Granny replied, "Why don't you take your car instead?"
I shook my head and smiled.
Granny's birthday is on Friday, and she'll be 86. Her daughter, my aunt Beverly, has arranged to throw a small gathering on Friday evening for the party, despite Granny insisting she doesn't want to do anything. Originally I wasn't going to go, as Daddy was planning something on Tuesday, just me, him, Shelby, and Granny. Don't get me wrong, I love Daddy's side of the family... but the ones who are going aren't the ones I know well or fit in with well, and I'm a little anxious at the concept of going alone.
But my older sister, Dawn, called me up and asked me to go... so out of politeness, I'm going to the gathering Friday night.
On a completely different note... (very sharp topic change alert!)
Tonight after dinner, Cherie and I took off to Wal-Mart to pick up... essentials. Clothing... essentials. It started off when I realized all my socks were getting holes in them... I decided I needed to get some new ones. Then one thing led to another, and I decided to bite the bullet and just get new everything.
It's hilarious to be introduced to your dad's girlfriend's coworker when your hands are full of intimate apparel. XD
I like spending time with Cherie. She and I are more like friends than anything, and we almost act like sisters sometimes. We spent the time gossiping, which is something I normally don't like to do. Surprisingly, none of it was all that negative in nature.
I also got to spend an hour and a half talking to Mama on the phone, including passing along the announcement that I'd be going home for 4 days for her birthday. We talked about everything from my schoolwork to general nonsense, which made me happy. We drained my cell phone battery, and it keeps screaming "Chaaaaarge meeee!"
...Well, not literally... I'd probably have died of a stroke if that were the case.
Anyway, I guess I've rattled on enough. I find that when my boyfriend goes missing, I ramble on in my blogs a lot more. I guess it's because I want so badly to tell him about my day, and can't when he's not around... so I put it into a blog so he can come back later and hear all about my exploits. Y'know, like I live an interesting life. I just want to share it with him, even if it is the boring "I went to school and went to the store" thing. Sometimes funny things come out of it.
Okay, I'm getting sleepy and a little lonely... time to go to bed.
...Hehehe, I write as if somebody actually reads this thing. I'm amused. XD
October is a busy month around my family. Five birthdays to celebrate, plus my college picks up in workload and I'm due in for midterm exams around the 20th.
Today I got to spend the day with Daddy and Granny. Originally the plan was for me to order out Chinese for lunch and take care of the house while Daddy handled Granny's doctor's appointment. However, when I was pulling to the driveway, he was about to leave, so I got to tag along.
The appointment was at 11, and supposedly we would be in, out, and eating lunch by 11:30. At 11:15, my hypoglycemia kicked in and left me struggling with a horrid headache and body shudders. I had to use a lot of energy to keep my shudders low, as Granny was sitting next to me, and I didn't want to worry her. She didn't get called back until noon, leaving me alone in the waiting room. I took off my glasses and tried to get the headache to cease but it refused. The shudders picked up, and continued until she was released from her appointment... at 1:00.
We finally got to eat at 1:30, and my blood sugar finally stabilized, leaving me feeling much better but very tired. Granny was sharp today, tossing around witticisms and sarcasms just as quick as Daddy could throw 'em out. Normally when I'm out with them, I sit quietly and listen, as they always amuse me.
When we were planning to leave, Daddy said, "Alright Mama, we're gonna run."
Without missing a beat, Granny replied, "Why don't you take your car instead?"
I shook my head and smiled.
Granny's birthday is on Friday, and she'll be 86. Her daughter, my aunt Beverly, has arranged to throw a small gathering on Friday evening for the party, despite Granny insisting she doesn't want to do anything. Originally I wasn't going to go, as Daddy was planning something on Tuesday, just me, him, Shelby, and Granny. Don't get me wrong, I love Daddy's side of the family... but the ones who are going aren't the ones I know well or fit in with well, and I'm a little anxious at the concept of going alone.
But my older sister, Dawn, called me up and asked me to go... so out of politeness, I'm going to the gathering Friday night.
On a completely different note... (very sharp topic change alert!)
Tonight after dinner, Cherie and I took off to Wal-Mart to pick up... essentials. Clothing... essentials. It started off when I realized all my socks were getting holes in them... I decided I needed to get some new ones. Then one thing led to another, and I decided to bite the bullet and just get new everything.
It's hilarious to be introduced to your dad's girlfriend's coworker when your hands are full of intimate apparel. XD
I like spending time with Cherie. She and I are more like friends than anything, and we almost act like sisters sometimes. We spent the time gossiping, which is something I normally don't like to do. Surprisingly, none of it was all that negative in nature.
I also got to spend an hour and a half talking to Mama on the phone, including passing along the announcement that I'd be going home for 4 days for her birthday. We talked about everything from my schoolwork to general nonsense, which made me happy. We drained my cell phone battery, and it keeps screaming "Chaaaaarge meeee!"
...Well, not literally... I'd probably have died of a stroke if that were the case.
Anyway, I guess I've rattled on enough. I find that when my boyfriend goes missing, I ramble on in my blogs a lot more. I guess it's because I want so badly to tell him about my day, and can't when he's not around... so I put it into a blog so he can come back later and hear all about my exploits. Y'know, like I live an interesting life. I just want to share it with him, even if it is the boring "I went to school and went to the store" thing. Sometimes funny things come out of it.
Okay, I'm getting sleepy and a little lonely... time to go to bed.
...Hehehe, I write as if somebody actually reads this thing. I'm amused. XD
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