I went to the store late tonight, around a quarter to one. It's become something I like to do, I guess, as Newnan is a nothing-to-do town. Bought myself a new webcam and a spiffy new headset for my Skype program. After that, I decided to go driving with nowhere in particular in mind to go. I wound up in Fayetteville before a freak late-night thunderstorm forced me to turn around and go home.
There's something exciting in driving at three in the morning in the middle of a thunderstorm, but maybe that's just me and my weird sense of life. I woulda said sense of humor but everyone's already well aware of just how crazy that part of me is.
So I got home finally and installed the new webcam. I was sooo pleased with how amazing the quality turned out. It was tons better than my old one.
So I had a few of my curious friends check it out. Didn't think that I'd wind up crashing one of my friend's mood and ultimately crashing my own. So I made my friend sad and I'm sitting here holding onto a pillow wondering how the hell I can be so cruel... even when I'm not quite sure what I did wrong to begin with.
You know what I hate sometimes? My feelings. More, my inability to control said feelings. I can go from happy to "I hate the world" in no-time flat, for no reason other than I stubbed my toe (or something more ridiculous). I can go from "I hate the world" to "I hate myself for hating the world" even faster, and crash into the ground before I know what hit me. It's miserable.
Mom tells me I oughta go to a psychotherapist and have them check me out for both bipolar disorder or autism. Great fun, the concept of going back to someone who could potentially diagnose me wrong and put me on the wrong things. But maybe I'm being a little silly to avoid this. Lately I'm finding my emotions and/or inability to cope interfering with my life and friends.
It's bad enough that I have ADHD, which makes me squirm when I need to be still and causes me to shift subjects mid-sentence because something else catches my attention. I also seem a little bit nervous, and the sound of a ticking clock is enough to drive me to tears. I forget to sleep sometimes and have become nocturnal, thriving on the night.
Sometimes I look at myself and feel like I'm sort of nasty trainwreck destined to hit the brick wall and fall to bits. Sometimes I look at myself and wonder how I've managed to make it to twenty. Sometimes I look at myself and see the failure that I suffer socially.
I can't interact the way everyone else does. The concept seems to elude me. Someone could tell me, "you're not doing this right," and could explain every single detail as to how it's not right, but I can't reach out and grasp the concept. It's so frustrating sometimes that I want to find the lowest trench under the largest rock and call it my home.
I'm gonna wrap it up with this. This is how I describe myself...
A Little Bird
Somewhere way up in the sky
Lost high up in the air
Is a little bird that cannot fly
The way the others dare.
The little bird is all alone
When the others begin to play.
The little bird sits with thoughts unknown
Of truths it will not say.
It doesn't chirp the same old song
That the others learned to sing
Instead its lyrics all are wrong...
It's such a tragic thing.
No one wants a little bird
Who can't seem to get along.
No one has the kindest word
For the one who is so wrong.
And yet the bird, it longs to fly
The way the others do
And yet the bird, it cannot try
To see the hidden cues.
In the middle of the dark of night
When the other birds perch asleep,
The little bird cries out its plight
With a song of pain so deep
That every melodious chirp rings
With such horrid, tearful sound...
And every single lyric brings
Saddened tears upon the ground.
Somewhere out there is a little bird
That sits upon a perch alone.
And it's without a single spoken word
That the pain remains unknown.
No comments:
Post a Comment